Disappointment

I try to avoid disappointment at all costs.  As I grew up, I was constantly disappointed.  I was disappointed in myself, in my life, in my family members, in monetary objects.  I grew accustomed to disappointment as if it were an appendage that grew on my neck and I left it there.

It was after I went through my teenage years and got into college that I realized I really HATED being disappointed.  I was tired of the tears and heartache.  I would long for something and it would never happen.  I would look enviously at my friends and want what they had, be what they were, only to be disappointed.

So I decided to cut off the appendage that I let grow on my neck and I made a grand plan: never be excited for anything.  Never look forward to anything.  If I never got excited for something, then I was never disappointed if it didn’t happen.  I lived this life for quite some time.  I still kind of do.

But today, I saw this photo:

and probably because of the mood I’m in, I realized I cannot live my life in fear of disappointment.  Yes, disappointment sucks.  It does indeed.  But I can’t avoid it.  It will inevitably get me, and it will be when I least expect it to strike.

I remember when I was in New Zealand.  Amy had arranged with her Auntie for me to go up in her Auntie’s hot air balloon.  I was thrilled at the opportunity, but then I looked at the weather report.  It was to rain on the day of our departure.  So I acted like it was no big deal if I went or not.  I told myself I actually really didn’t want to go in the Balloon.  The night before departure it was pouring rain.  Like cats, dogs, horses, zebras, elephants, you get the idea.  I had accepted that I wasn’t going to go, and I was okay with that, because I anticipated the worst.  Well, as most of you know, the weather cleared and I was able to go, and it was one of the best days of my life.

In my recent life, I haven’t wanted to be disappointed.  I don’t want to open myself up to anyone or let anyone else into my life, romantically or otherwise, because of the possible disappointment I could face.  I realized, especially after examining the above photo, that this notion is stupid.  I can’t punish people I don’t know for what others have done to me in the past.  True, I have been hurt, and true and I have been disappointed because of what people I have trusted have done, but that doesn’t mean that I can hold that against people who I just met, or who I am yet to meet.  It’s unfair to hold these people to the expectations set so low by others.

As I sat and stared at the above photo, I realized that life holds disappointment, that’s part of life.  But I can’t let that keep me from enjoying life; embracing life.  I feel that in the past two years, I have made leaps and bounds of success of becoming a better person, and bettering my life and have made a commitment to not be the person I once was, that I let myself become.  But I realized today that I still hold on to a little piece of that person, and I need to let her go: 

She’s holding me back.

Did I tell you . . . ?

Wow. It has been a while since I have posted anything, and not to say that nothing has happened, in fact, just the opposite, which is probably why I haven’t gotten around to writing anything on this poor neglected blog.

So without further ado…

Did I tell you my principal resigned? Yea, she did, back in mid-September, kind of old news, but it has made for BIG stress since with all the adjustments and different ideologies/perspectives from our now appointed, never before administrator, principal. However, I finally feel like the dust is settling, and the kinks are starting to get ironed out. Not to say that it has gotten a whole lot easier, I just feel like things are getting to be more… predictable, we’ll say.

Did I tell you I spent Halloween with Tobin and Namara? Yea, I did. They were so much fun to take trick or treating, and we went to “Boo at the Zoo” and they were pretty much the cutest kids there. Don’t believe me? Look for yourself.

Did I tell you I’m dating someone? Yea, I am. I’m pretty smitten. His name is Chris and he’s from central California, and he’s working out here at a feed lot. He went to California Polytechnic State University majoring in animal science, he’s 6’2”, has blonde hair, blue eyes, and is quite the gentleman. He’s been really fantastic, and I think I’m going to keep him around for a while.

Did I tell you I went home for Thanksgiving? Yea, I did. I got a sub Monday and Tuesday and went home for a whole week. It was pretty nice to be out of the classroom for that long, and now I’m kind of looking forward to two weeks for Christmas, but I have to tell you, I don’t know how I’m going to go back after two weeks off. That is going to be tough!

Did I tell you my mom and I aren’t speaking currently? Yea, we’re not. Actually, to be honest I’m not talking to Kale either. I’m actually kind of sad. I miss my kiddos. That’s most of it. I just felt betrayed and abused, and for right now, I think it’s best not to talk to either one of them. Of course it makes the whole “are you going home for Christmas?” questions a little difficult to answer, because if I answer honestly, everyone wants to know why, and that’s kind of my business, no one else's. I think it was just the final straw to a long hard week, and the final straw to a long occurring issue that I have with my family.

Did I tell you I love teaching? Yea, I do. I really do. There are days when I just want to run away screaming, but I come back and I love it. I love my students. I love seeing my students comprehend what I’m trying to teach them. I love that my students trust me, even when sometimes the aftermath is a little scary for several parties, I love they trust me enough to confide in me. I love they trust me enough to ask for advice. Side Note: One of our assignments was a Letter of Gratitude, and one of my students wrote a letter to me, thanking me for all I do for her and her class, and telling me how she is appreciate of me for creating a safe space in my classroom. I read it on a really crummy day, which made me so happy, and made me want to keep going and NOT give up on these kids.

Did I tell you I’m engaged!?!? No, I’m not. I just wanted to see if you were paying attention.

I think that brings you up to speed. Maybe I will be a little better in the near future with my writing, because who knows what’s going to happen next!

Patriot’s Pen

We had an assignment asked of our students to write an essay answering the question “Are You Proud of Your Country?” sponsored by the VFW.

It broke my heart how many of my students asked me “Do we have to write about America?”

Yes dammit! You DO have to write about America! You live here, don’t you? Why are you living in this country, using up our aide and putting us further in debt if you aren’t proud of it? I just want to yell at these kids to move out of the country if that’s the case. I know that sounds really harsh and mean, but come on! Really? It just breaks my heart how much these kids take for granted.

I know there are faults with this country, I know that, I’m not going to be naïve about that topic, but having to read essays that explain how our military is a joke, the people in it our brainwashed and how there are so many things wrong with what we are doing here in the United States gets my blood boiling.

My brother is in the military. He is not deployed to a foreign country for no reason. He is not separated from his family, his children, because he is brainwashed and worthless. I’m sorry, but he is helping to keep his family, and YOUR family safe. Just because these kids are not on the front lines, experiencing the horrors that so many of the men and women who are serving our country see and living every day, they fail to see the value and sacrifice being made.

I know most of what was written was a reflection of what these kids hear from their parents, because what 8th grader would write about the jobs bill/act and actually know what it meant, but it still made me sick to read so many UnAmerican essays, that I wanted to just throw them all in the trash.

Someone to Listen

I had a rough day.  I can’t really explain it.

So I went to talk to one of the veteran teachers about my day and I just started crying.

Being in Yuma has been difficult for so many, many reasons.  I just wanted to be done.  This has been hard and no one I talk to understands.

TS told me how no one can understand this area, that Yuma is probably one of the hardest areas to teach for so many reasons, and she’s taught for more years than I’ve been alive and has had the same struggles and frustrations I have as a newbie.  That other teachers and other colleagues she has known don’t understand, because it is just so different and so difficult.

I told this wonderful mentor how I can’t even talk to my mom any more, because all she does is offer suggestions and judge, and she looked at me and said, because you just need someone to listen and someone to talk to.  I realized that is completely true.  100%.  I don’t have anyone to talk to, at all, except my students, and I can’t talk to them.  Not really, not about my personal life, not about my “feelings.”  I just need to have someone that I can talk to that will listen, because mostly I just need to get it out.

It’s times like these that I miss Terry the most.  I know I could call him up, and he would listen, but I can’t.  I just can’t call him and rely on him like I used to.  He’s not that guy any more.  But man alive, sometimes I just want to, because I know he somehow would make it all better, and I HATE that!  I hate it so much, it makes me even more upset than I already am, because I realize I don’t have anyone to talk to about THAT either!  It’s quite the vicious cycle, it really is.

Anyway… Just the woes and frustrations of a first year teacher.  I found out that Sterling has a (small, very, very, very small) group of Young Single Adults, and they get together on Mondays for FHE and Thursdays for Institute.  I decided to start going to FHE on Monday nights for a few weeks and see how it goes.  I think it might be good to get out and hang out with other people close to my own age, and then I will have someone to talk to

Car Buying

So, now that I’m “grown” and in adulthood, I’ve been told it’s time to start making those adult choices and act grown up.

I’ve been looking into buying a car, especially of late.  I’ve been driving Brent’s car he left here when he went to Germany, because my car died, for lack of a better word.  Brent’s car has treated me well, and I am extremely appreciative of him and his family for letting me drive it (partially because my mom never did happen to sell it, but that’s another story.)  But his car is much to be desired.  I know he bought it in desperate times, and it really is a decent running car, but I would like one to call my own, that isn’t…. run down, I guess.  Brent’s car is two-tone because it was in a front-end collision.  It also has the air bags deployed and is a two door, sitting low to the ground.  Like I said, whoever he bought it from did a good job, because it runs well, but I need one that’s mine.

I have been looking into getting a SUV crossover.  They appeal to me for several reasons.  One, moving.  I guess I feel like I move a lot, probably because I spent every summer during college living at home with my mom, so I always had to be able to fit everything in my car to drive home.  Also, I am somewhat of an independent person.  I feel like a crossover I can fit everything I need into it, and also it can (and would according to my specifications) have a towing package, so I could rent a U-Haul that hooks up to your hitch, and be able to move everything on my own, without the help from anyone.  I also like that they can be AWD.  Very appealing.

I’ve been internet researching cars for a few months now.  I can buy a BRAND NEW sedan for around 10-14,000 depending on the type of car.  However, if I buy a crossover, I’m going to be lucky to find one USED for the same amount.  So my reasoning was just to save up for a little longer, and then find a good used crossover I really like.

But I was thinking today, as I was driving Tobin and Namara home from bowling in Kale’s car.  I think part of the reason God had me move out to the middle of nowhere Yuma is to learn how to ask for help.  I need to learn how to seek out help when I need it, and I don’t always need to do everything myself.

So this is what I deducted:  I don’t really need a crossover/SUV, I don’t have any reason at all as far as my day to day lifestyle is concerned, I can still take a sedan camping, and it gets better gas mileage.  It’s not going to handle any better in the snow, especially because I’ve always driven front wheel drive vehicles.  Also, I really think Heavenly Father is helping me to rely on other people more.  Yes, self-reliance is good, but building up the Kingdom is just as important.  So, more than likely I will be buying a practical and reliable sedan, so I can learn to ask for help from others.

Tobin is 4!

I can’t believe that this little guy…

Has turned into this amazing boy….

 

Happy birthday bud!  I can’t believe you only came into my life four years ago.  My life wouldn’t be the same without you!  Love Tyff.

What I’m Missing

I miss going to Utah State.

I miss walking to classes and seeing faces of people I knew.

I miss knowing people.

I miss having people my own age (or at least maturity level) to talk to.

I miss Daisy Mae.

I miss my social life.

I miss bowling.

I miss Café Rio.

I miss the mountains.

I miss Brent.

I miss having a plan for my life.

I miss learning.

I miss going to classes and working my tail off to earn good grades.

I miss being reassured.

I miss hugs.

I miss my friends.

I miss New Zealand.

I miss flirting.

I miss dressing my own age.

I miss dressing like a college student.

I miss wearing tennis shoes.

I miss teaching High School.

I miss the colors of fall.

I miss having a ward to go to.

I miss being stress free.

I miss clear skin, because of above statement.

I miss waitressing.

I miss interacting with adults.

I miss having intellectual conversations.

I miss my Tat, who is no longer around.

I miss having someone to bounce ideas off of.

I miss having the confidence that THIS, THIS is what I am supposed to be doing.

Mostly, I miss me.  It seems anymore, all I’m focused on is school and surviving.  I’m pretty sure I came here for me, and somehow, I lost me in the process.

My little Life

Living alone has been an adjustment. A lot of Netflix, a lot of late nights at work. But it's all good. Things have actually been going well. I thought I would show you a few pictures of my current situation.

This is my cute little living room.  I love it, and I LOVE that chair.

I love it!  This is my cute little drawer set, with my cute little frog lamp.  It makes me happy inside.

My dining room; after scrubbing the walls and the floor for 2 days straight. Oey!

My kitchen.

 

 

 

And last, but not least, for now anyway, my bedroom/bed.  I slept on the floor for over a month after moving here.  So having this fantastic beauty to sleep on has been heavenly.

I have been having a few rough patches here and there, mostly with school, I mean work I guess.  Anyway, it’s been tough, but I’m still kicking and everyday is a new day and a learning experience.  There are times when I think I can’t take it anymore, but I still wake up the next day and kick myself into gear to get going.  I do what I can when I can.

And so it begins....

This week I have had several parents call me, or come into my room to talk to me.

I never realized that everything kids do wrong is the teacher's fault. EVERYTHING. My kid disrupts your class because YOU do this, my kid is failing because YOU didn't do this, my kid doesn't like coming to your class because YOUR this.

Holy Moly. I am so exhausted from being attacked by these parents. I have never realized how hard it is to talk to parents. And really, it's my word against the kid, and really, who is the parent going to believe?

Anyway, I hope that this settles soon, cause I don't know how much more I can take!

On the Outside Looking In.

The other night, I left my house quickly, because I knew I was going to be right back.

When I got back to the house, I pulled up in front of my house, instead of into the driveway. I sat in my car and looked at my new home for the time being.

I felt so at peace. I was looking into my dining room, where I had forgotten to pull the blinds, and I saw my cute little centerpiece I made, and my calander hanging on the wall, and the picture of my and my old roommate. I just took it all in. I loved it. There was something strange about seeing my house from a different perspective. Extremely strange in fact, but not in a creepy weird kind of way.

I thought about why I decided to come to Yuma, and how perfect my life is right now. Looking in at a place I call home; that made it even more perfect.

Simplicity

Today I sat and watched a family feeding geese on the other side of the "lake" here in Yuma. I watched as the two small children threw bread at the geese and squealed with delight as the geese gobbled up the treats being thrown.


It reminded me of New Zealand, and feeding ducks at the Hamilton Lake, which of course made me miss New Zealand and the Bruntons immensely. I wished I was with a family feeding ducks or geese while having small talk about the daily norms.

I was very at peace, which was a strange feeling. Normally, I would be sad, because of the fear that I may never be on the other side of the lake, sitting and watching my small children squeal with delight, creating small meaningful and happy memories. I didn't cry, and I was actually very at peace. I know Heavenly Father sent me here to the middle of nowhere for a reason. I know that I will get married, and I just need to continue to be the best person I can be, and continue to live in faith in order to help carry out His plans.

So while I can't feed the geese at the "lake" with my kids, I can still feed the geese.

Isolated

Well, I made it to Yuma, got the keys to my house, and piled my stuff in my living room.

Everyone was quite impressed with how much I was able to fit into my little car…. My branch president compared me to Mary Poppins, stuff just kept coming!

This was about halfway through my drive.  It’s definitely a very hard drive, I feel like there’s nothing in front of me, and nothing behind me…

Hitting the county line!  Except, there’s still nothing….

I’m planning on taking a few more pictures of the town, and of my new little house once I get a little more settled.  I just feel really isolated right now.  My phone quit working last night, and will let me make “emergency calls only”.  I’m hoping this is just temporary.

Yesterday was really hard, because I thought of going and getting internet set up, but when I went “downtown” every store was closed because of the fair.  All of the city offices were closed, the library, the school district office, even the grocery store.  I had never felt so cut off and isolated.  It made it extremely tough.  I kept thinking over and over “I’m in Hillbilly Hell!” Thanks Lightning McQueen. 

Anyway, I’m adjusting, hopefully my phone issue will be resolved soon, and I can get internet hooked up shortly.

Summer Lovin’ Had me a Blast

So I LOVE LOVE LOVE these kids with all of my heart.  I would do anything for them!  They were a little trying this past week, but they did just get back from their mom's and acquired some nasty habits that are proving hard to break ... Errrr.  Love them anyway.  And I realised as I was loading up these photos, they’re mostly of Maraleigh…. Ah well, Tobin’s at that age where he doesn’t want to sit still to take photos.

 

 

 

 

She was so cute… She would push the ball down the ramp, then go to the side and lift her left leg up, just like when Aunt-T bowls

 

 

Swimming at the Rec Center

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ice Cream after Swimming…. YUM!

“Look Aunt-T I got pretty!”

She’s being raised by men… or wolves…. Hard to tell the difference sometimes.

“Ooooohhhh, Tyff! A helmet!”

Tobin’s face cracks me up!

Little miss Diva… She is going to be trouble.

Summer

So I haven't had access to internet for the majority of the summer, so I haven't been able to update my adventures.

I haven't had too many adventures to report on, so no big loss... My main "adventures" to report on: I went to Silverton for the 4th of July, which is something you have to do when living in the 4 corners area, and I went hiking with my dogs on my days off. This past week I spent a week with my kiddos, and I'll post pictures soon....

My biggest adventure is about to begin however... I got a teaching job!!!

I will be moving to Yuma Colorado (I'm currently in transit right now) and starting New Teacher orientation on August 11th. Followed by a few days of inservice, and then a few days teacher work/prep, and then I will have my first students on August 23! I'm excited and nervous and scared all rolled into one.

I Graduated Cum Laude!

So recently, (May 7th) in fact, I graduated Cum Laude from Utah State University.

My whole college adventure is over now, which for some reason hasn’t quite sunk in yet.  Maybe because I don’t have a job lined up yet, and it isn’t August.  I think come August, when I don’t return to good ol’ Logan, I might go through some withdraws and cry a little then, but for now, it’s just like any other summer.

Here are some pictures of the glorious occasion.

Me and my roomie from the past 3 years.  Chris-i-tine

 

 

I have a diploma! (cover anyway )

The weather was absolutely perfect, which I can only say about this one weekend since I’ve been back from New Zealand.  My life is sure to bring many more adventures from here on out.