Disappointment

I try to avoid disappointment at all costs.  As I grew up, I was constantly disappointed.  I was disappointed in myself, in my life, in my family members, in monetary objects.  I grew accustomed to disappointment as if it were an appendage that grew on my neck and I left it there.

It was after I went through my teenage years and got into college that I realized I really HATED being disappointed.  I was tired of the tears and heartache.  I would long for something and it would never happen.  I would look enviously at my friends and want what they had, be what they were, only to be disappointed.

So I decided to cut off the appendage that I let grow on my neck and I made a grand plan: never be excited for anything.  Never look forward to anything.  If I never got excited for something, then I was never disappointed if it didn’t happen.  I lived this life for quite some time.  I still kind of do.

But today, I saw this photo:

and probably because of the mood I’m in, I realized I cannot live my life in fear of disappointment.  Yes, disappointment sucks.  It does indeed.  But I can’t avoid it.  It will inevitably get me, and it will be when I least expect it to strike.

I remember when I was in New Zealand.  Amy had arranged with her Auntie for me to go up in her Auntie’s hot air balloon.  I was thrilled at the opportunity, but then I looked at the weather report.  It was to rain on the day of our departure.  So I acted like it was no big deal if I went or not.  I told myself I actually really didn’t want to go in the Balloon.  The night before departure it was pouring rain.  Like cats, dogs, horses, zebras, elephants, you get the idea.  I had accepted that I wasn’t going to go, and I was okay with that, because I anticipated the worst.  Well, as most of you know, the weather cleared and I was able to go, and it was one of the best days of my life.

In my recent life, I haven’t wanted to be disappointed.  I don’t want to open myself up to anyone or let anyone else into my life, romantically or otherwise, because of the possible disappointment I could face.  I realized, especially after examining the above photo, that this notion is stupid.  I can’t punish people I don’t know for what others have done to me in the past.  True, I have been hurt, and true and I have been disappointed because of what people I have trusted have done, but that doesn’t mean that I can hold that against people who I just met, or who I am yet to meet.  It’s unfair to hold these people to the expectations set so low by others.

As I sat and stared at the above photo, I realized that life holds disappointment, that’s part of life.  But I can’t let that keep me from enjoying life; embracing life.  I feel that in the past two years, I have made leaps and bounds of success of becoming a better person, and bettering my life and have made a commitment to not be the person I once was, that I let myself become.  But I realized today that I still hold on to a little piece of that person, and I need to let her go: 

She’s holding me back.

Did I tell you . . . ?

Wow. It has been a while since I have posted anything, and not to say that nothing has happened, in fact, just the opposite, which is probably why I haven’t gotten around to writing anything on this poor neglected blog.

So without further ado…

Did I tell you my principal resigned? Yea, she did, back in mid-September, kind of old news, but it has made for BIG stress since with all the adjustments and different ideologies/perspectives from our now appointed, never before administrator, principal. However, I finally feel like the dust is settling, and the kinks are starting to get ironed out. Not to say that it has gotten a whole lot easier, I just feel like things are getting to be more… predictable, we’ll say.

Did I tell you I spent Halloween with Tobin and Namara? Yea, I did. They were so much fun to take trick or treating, and we went to “Boo at the Zoo” and they were pretty much the cutest kids there. Don’t believe me? Look for yourself.

Did I tell you I’m dating someone? Yea, I am. I’m pretty smitten. His name is Chris and he’s from central California, and he’s working out here at a feed lot. He went to California Polytechnic State University majoring in animal science, he’s 6’2”, has blonde hair, blue eyes, and is quite the gentleman. He’s been really fantastic, and I think I’m going to keep him around for a while.

Did I tell you I went home for Thanksgiving? Yea, I did. I got a sub Monday and Tuesday and went home for a whole week. It was pretty nice to be out of the classroom for that long, and now I’m kind of looking forward to two weeks for Christmas, but I have to tell you, I don’t know how I’m going to go back after two weeks off. That is going to be tough!

Did I tell you my mom and I aren’t speaking currently? Yea, we’re not. Actually, to be honest I’m not talking to Kale either. I’m actually kind of sad. I miss my kiddos. That’s most of it. I just felt betrayed and abused, and for right now, I think it’s best not to talk to either one of them. Of course it makes the whole “are you going home for Christmas?” questions a little difficult to answer, because if I answer honestly, everyone wants to know why, and that’s kind of my business, no one else's. I think it was just the final straw to a long hard week, and the final straw to a long occurring issue that I have with my family.

Did I tell you I love teaching? Yea, I do. I really do. There are days when I just want to run away screaming, but I come back and I love it. I love my students. I love seeing my students comprehend what I’m trying to teach them. I love that my students trust me, even when sometimes the aftermath is a little scary for several parties, I love they trust me enough to confide in me. I love they trust me enough to ask for advice. Side Note: One of our assignments was a Letter of Gratitude, and one of my students wrote a letter to me, thanking me for all I do for her and her class, and telling me how she is appreciate of me for creating a safe space in my classroom. I read it on a really crummy day, which made me so happy, and made me want to keep going and NOT give up on these kids.

Did I tell you I’m engaged!?!? No, I’m not. I just wanted to see if you were paying attention.

I think that brings you up to speed. Maybe I will be a little better in the near future with my writing, because who knows what’s going to happen next!