I was reading through several of my old posts and i kept thinking, it really wasn't that bad, was it? Did I really feel that horrible? Was I really that far gone? Was that really only 6 months ago?
But looking back, I know that it was that bad, it almost had to be worse than I shared here.
But looking back, at the same time, I wouldn't change anything. I am a strong believer in "things happen for a reason" and "God works in mysterious ways" and a strong believer in answered prayers.
I remember being so very upset at the loss of our first child, but now, I see it as a blessing. This was the turning point. This is when I saw a change in my husband, and this is ultimately saw the change in myself, especially now as I look back.
I know I've mentioned it before, but I always said I never wanted to push the church on Chris. I never wanted Chris to learn about the gospel because of my wants, but because of his.
After the roller coaster of our miscarriage, Chris told me on his next weekend off, he would go to church with me. I didn't have much faith in him following through and wasn't sure why he suddenly wanted to come to church with me so I didn't get my hopes up.
Recently, I asked Chris why, not unusual for me, but I really, earnestly wanted to know why he started coming to church with me. He just shrugged and said because, not unusual for him.
But the next weekend off, Chris got ready for church and we went to church together.
It seems at this point like the rest is history, and I guess it kind of is.
After we got back from California, Chris decided he wanted to start coming to all three meetings, instead of just two (our ward is backwards and does relief society/priesthood first, then Sunday school, then sacrament meeting, and we were just going to Sunday school and sacrament.)
Within two weeks, we had the missionaries over for dinner, and they taught a lesson on prayer, and Chris agreed to have them come and teach him. So for the last four weeks, the missionaries have been coming and teaching lessons and sharing personal testimony to me and my husband. Again, time is such a funny thing, it feels like we've been having the missionaries over a lot longer than this, but alas, I checked my calendar, and 4 weeks is all it's been.
I have loved watching my husband grow. I have loved reading scriptures together and saying prayers together. I love hearing my husband answer the missionary questions I didn't think he knew. I have loved every minute of this adventure, as hard as it may have been at times.
I asked Chris, that if I had asked him when we were dating to come to church with me if he would have, and he told me no. I don't know why I was surprised by this answer, but I was. I think Chris needed time, I think he needed for me to miscarry for him to reevaluate his life and what he wanted out of this life.
I should mention at this time, I too needed to miscarry. I needed to be humbled. I needed to change my less-active status in the church to active. My family was undergoing some difficult times when Chris and I got engaged, and I struggled with the broken covenants that were occurring. I let it affect my life and take hold of my faith, weakening it, and I became lost in a world that I felt was in turmoil.
On Friday, Valentine's Day, a day I normally am disgusted with and want nothing to do with, my husband set a date for baptism. He explained how he felt this was what he needed to do in his life. I wish I could express in words the feeling in my little living room that evening with the missionaries, but I can't. There are no words. What an amazing feeling, changing forever how I will now view this day. Valentine's Day now holds a very special place in my heart, a day in which true love was expressed in my home in the rawest, truest form imaginable.
Chris and I have had many conversations and discussions about what this means for him, for us. And I have made it clear from day 1, that it needs to be about him, it needs to be for reasons that have nothing to do with me, and it is. His testimony is so simple and strong it could break your legs.
After the missionaries left on Friday, I hugged my husband and told him, "I'm happy you're getting baptized."
He replied, "why?" (This is known as payback, for those of you who may not know, those words leave my mouth 1000s of times a day)
As I sat there, I thought of 100 reasons why I'm happy, 99 of them selfish, I told him the 1 reason that is the only reason that matters, "because it's true." And I held him even closer.
I've been thinking a lot lately about how many times I have stumbled and fallen and taken "time-outs" from the church, but every time I have been in these lowly states of life, I keep coming back to the church. Why would I keep coming back unless it was true? I wouldn't. It is true. I know it is.
