I retract my previous statement about my life.

There are some things in life that we don't understand.  There are some things in life we aren't meant to understand. This is where I am. I don't understand why, and I don't think I will ever understand.

So I wrote about my never ending nightmare, and how when I woke up the day after my procedure, I felt as though I had finally awoken from my nightmare. 

I have felt so much better since my surgery, that I thought things were finally going to slow down for us, and that we could return to our normal married selves.

Not so.

So many things make sense, and pieces finally fit together, but this nightmare has actually only begun.

I met with my doctor for my follow up appointment and received some shocking news.

I knew something was wrong, because I could see it in his eyes.  I really love (in the platonic sort of way, of course) my doctor.  He is very straightforward, and doesn't sugar coat anything, which I also love.  Plus an added bonus, he says whatever he wants and calls people dumb-asses, which makes everything better. But regardless, I knew something was wrong. So he proceeds to tell me about the procedure: things went well, but... 

The ever dreaded but. 

With how far along I was, I should not have had as much tissue as I did, and with the tissue, he saw something he had only ever learned about in school, but has never, ever had a patient that actually has/had what I have. (And he's been practicing gynecology for a while now.) 

My pregnancy was a rare abnormality.  It occurs in probably less that 5% of pregnant women.  I had what is called a molar pregnancy, where there where three sets of chromosomes instead of two (Chris had some strong swimmers, basically.) But that wasn't the rare abnormality. With molar pregnancies, there are only 1% who have the type of molar pregnancy I did, which can lead to cancer.  And what's worse, is this type of cancer masks itself as a pregnancy which means that some women may think they are pregnant again, but in reality their body has developed a cancer from the previous pregnancy.

What this means: I have to have routine blood work and tests bi-monthly to make sure my levels are where they should be. Also, I cannot get pregnant for at least a year, if not longer. 

What a shock to my system.  I have seriously had every emotion possible the last 5 months. From excitement, to disappointment, to fear, to frustration, to you name it, I probably have felt it.

I really thought this was going to be a routine follow-up visit. I was not prepared in the least for what I was told.  I was mentally prepared for the "when do you think you're going to start trying again" but not for the "you can't try again."

It really all makes sense, every last piece of this story.  The reason my body didn't dispel of the pregnancy on its own. The reason I felt infinitely better after the tissue was removed. The weird side effects of pregnancy that were not "normal" side effects to have. Everything kind of fits together and makes sense more than it did before. I mean it doesn't make sense in the "why this is happening to me" way, but the "that's why this was this" kind of way. 

I know I've mentioned this before, but I always think of the quote, "live the life you imagined" and I'm really starting to hate this quote.  It needs to be changed. 

The life I imagined: I would be married for 5 years at my age, probably have two kids, be a stay at home mom in the suburbs somewhere in Utah. Honestly, that is the life I imagined for myself. Not this. Of course, do people ever imagine themselves for hardship and bad news followed by more bad news?

It should say "live the life you never imagined" although that can also have a joyful, optimistic twist as well, and right now, I need a "memes" quote, that is snarky and as realistic as they come.

Or maybe instead of living my life vicariously through quotes about life, I actually live this life; Live this life I have been so blessed to receive. I am so lucky that my doctor caught this, and so lucky that he is going above and beyond for me to make sure I'm okay (seriously, what kind of doctor nowadays makes regular, personal phone calls to their patients? Mine.)  I am lucky to have modern medicine to keep me heathy, and to keep my body from doing harm to itself. 

I would be lying if I said I'm okay with this all; okay with this timeline I've been given; okay with the news that my body might turn on itself and attack me from the inside out; okay that I no longer have a say in when I start my family. 

I'm not okay, I'm really not. But right now, it's okay, that I'm not okay.

The Nightmare that would NEVER end

I will apologize before you even begin reading... this is a wordy post, sans pictures.  Chris and I talked about whether or not to share this.  I know this kind of thing is what you keep to yourself, but I really need to share, not for anyone who might stumble across this post, but, as many of my posts, for me, as writing helps me sort out my own feelings and my own emotions.


That being said....


On my 25th birthday this year, I took a home pregnancy test, and it was positive.

Chris was SO excited! I don't think he had ever been happier. I wasn't so sure about having a baby so soon in our relationship was a good thing, but I knew it was what it was.  I called my doctor on Monday and set up an appointment.  The next day (Tuesday) I was supposed to get my final X-ray on my broken arm I had sustained six weeks earlier, however, they will not X-ray a woman who is pregnant unless it is a life threatening situation.  Instead, I just got my cast removed and was told to take it easy for the next couple weeks because I could easily refracture my arm, especially because we didn't know exactly how my arm had healed or if it had healed at all.

This was kind of hard to explain to people, because I didn't want to tell them about the baby yet, but when I would get pointed questions about my X-ray on my arm, I felt like I had to flat-out lie.

It was even more difficult, because the week we found out I was pregnant, was the week we went to Indiana with Chris's family. I wasn't feeling great at all, and even BEGGED Chris to not make me go, but he said I had to go, because what was going to be our excuse? We had someone to watch the house and feed the animals and check on the cows, and I was on summer break, so there was no logical reason why I shouldn't go (that we were willing to tell anyway.)  I went to Indiana, and it was somewhat miserable of a time, but I tried to mask it as best I could, which I'm pretty sure I failed miserably.

The next couple weeks are a blur, as I tried my hardest to muster any kind of energy to do much of anything, and I had to go back to school.

My first OB appointment was very anticlimactic, they basically went over healthy pregnancy expectations, checked me (GAG), and ordered blood work and an ultrasound.  We couldn't get an ultrasound until the next Friday, and Chris was so disappointed. He wanted to see his baby right away, and a week seemed really far away.

So what felt like an eternity, we had our ultrasound the next week at 4:30 on Friday afternoon before a three-day weekend (Labor Day). I felt like all the worker wanted was to get out of there and start her weekend. Looking at the ultrasound we could see a tiny little something, but we didn't know what was going on, and then she just got up and left us sitting there in the room. I looked at Chris with such confusion, but he didn't have a clue what was going on either. About twenty minutes later she came back in and told us we could go.

On our drive home I got a phone call from my doctor saying that there was no heartbeat on our baby, and that it looked like it had stopped growing at 6 weeks (I should have been around 10 weeks).  He told me we could do another ultrasound (after my explaining the horrible treatment we had received),
and to call Tuesday morning and get it scheduled.

I went home so very upset. After finding out we were going to have a baby, I warmed up to the idea and got so very excited; I started looking at cribs and little baby outfits and accepted we were going to have a baby sooner than I had so foolishly planned.  And while I was in the midst of excitement, I was told "PSYCH! Just kidding, you don't get to have a baby!" So for the next week, I tried to remain positive and hopeful, but I knew deep down that we had lost the baby.

The next ultrasound was very similar to the first. But this time, we didn't even see a tiny little something.

My doctor called me on Monday and said that this was not going to be a viable pregnancy, and then we talked about my options. I had an OB appointment scheduled the following week, so we decided to keep that so we could do a D&C, because it had already been five weeks since the baby had
stopped growing. Chris really didn't want me to do the D&C, he felt like I should let my body miscarry naturally, but I had no symptoms of miscarriage up to that point and I really didn't know what to do.

I started running.  I started doing the heavy lifting chores.  I figured maybe if I did things that pregnant women aren't supposed to do, I would make my body miscarry on its own.  That weekend I had slight cramping and then some very light, discolored spotting.  I called and cancelled my appointment, explaining that I had what I thought to be symptoms of miscarriage and I was going to let my body do it naturally.

For the next two weeks, I had the same discolored, light spotting and then it went away.  I took a pregnancy test, and it was positive, so I googled this, and found this was normal, and that it takes a while for your body to get rid of all the hormones.  I was a mess.  I hadn't been myself since I was told I had lost the baby.  I didn't cook dinner, I didn't clean, I wasn't doing laundry.  Chris was extraordinary during this time.  He just stepped up and did more and more as I did less and less and never said a word about any of it.  I think he didn't know what to say or do to make me feel better.

So I went about my life thinking I had a miscarriage and started waiting for my period which I hadn't had since June.  Sometime in the middle of October (right before Chris's parents came to visit) I took another pregnancy test, and it still showed positive.  I freaked out.  But Chris didn't want me to go to the doctor while his parents were here, so I waited another two weeks.  I took another pregnancy test, which was positive.  I called the doctor and had another hellish week of agonizing waiting and trying to get answers.  I went to the hospital three times to get blood drawn, and they scheduled me for another ultrasound, which I ended up cancelling (details aren't really important as to why, but I didn't want to have to pay for another ultrasound when we knew it wasn't a new pregnancy.)

It was determined that my body really wanted to be pregnant, and wasn't expelling this pregnancy, which ended up actually making me really sick.  So another D&C was scheduled.

I had more blood drawn, and another phone call that made this nightmare feel even longer.  The day after I had blood drawn (apparently when you have a scheduled procedure, they draw blood so it is easier to match??? no one really explained anything to me) the pre-op nurse called and explained they found an anti-body in my blood, which they check for with all pregnancies, regardless of whether or not they are viable.  So she told me to come in AGAIN to draw blood, because it has to be drawn within 72 hours of your procedure. 

Being the person I am, I of course googled "antibody during pregnancy" and FREAKED out even more.  I started bawling and texted Chris because I was never going to be able to have a baby again, because my body would always attack the baby and kill it. 

When I went to get my blood drawn on Sunday after church, I asked the lady who was drawing my blood why I needed to come back in, and asked her exactly what antibody I had and what that meant.  Well, turns out the nurse had misinformed me when she told me why I had to get blood drawn again.  I do NOT have an antibody that will kill another pregnancy, but blood draws for people who have had blood transfusions or pregnancies are only good for 72 hours. 

Finally, yesterday, 22 weeks into my pregnancy, Chris and I checked into the hospital at 6:15am to get my D&C.  I felt at peace and knew that this was what I needed to do.  At 7:30, after answering the same questions 10,000 times, they finally took me to the operating room.

An hour later, I was coming out of my anesthesia, and people kept trying to ask me questions.  I wasn't coherent enough to answer, but apparently, all I did was ask for Chris, so the nurse went and got him, before the doctor even debriefed him on the procedure.  I still wasn't even very alert or aware of what was happening, I just knew that Chris was by my side and holding my hand.  When I finally came to, the nurse asked me if I wanted anything.  "Dr. Pepper" was the first thing out of my mouth and Chris started laughing and kissed my forward.  At that point, I knew all was right with the world, and I knew this nightmare finally had ended.

Through this arduous process I think I learned my lesson about why I should never research on the internet, and just call and ask what is going on with my body.  If I had done this, I would have had a D&C back in September (around 14 weeks) instead of November after being pregnant for 22 weeks.

This process also brought me and Chris even closer.  I know people say that having a baby brings people together more than anything else, but honestly, I think this miscarriage brought Chris and I closer than a baby ever could.  And I think that because we have gone through this, we are in such a better place as a couple, and will be in an even better place when we do finally become parents.  My love and appreciation for Chris has grown beyond what I ever thought it could, and Chris has also had his heart softened in this process.

The last two-three months have been so full of anxiety and anger and frustration.  It has been hard, and it has been disappointing (especially because two ladies at church are also pregnant due in March-when I was due, and a lady at work is also pregnant and is showing and I see it daily, reminding me that I wont be having a baby this year.) But as I am typing this today, I feel so at peace, I didn't think I could feel at peace, but I do.

In my many, many appointments, blood draws, etc. that I've had the last two weeks, I've been asked when we are going to try again.  My answer?  I don't know.  It will happen when it happens.  And when it happens, we both will be SO excited for the adventure.

Making the Switch

So, after Chris was in the hospital last year, and we got absolutely no answers as to what is happening to him, I started doing some reading trying to find ANYTHING that might give us some answers.

The cardiologist offered a possibility of postural tachycardia syndrome, but said it so quickly and almost in passing that we didn't even really know what he said.  This year, I have a student with POTS, and I was almost in shock at the similarity of the symptoms, so I googled POTS and I found out it was the same thing the doctor had said in passing as an "unlikely possibility."

Symptoms include:

• Syncope (fainting, especially when standing too quickly, or in a hot shower)
• fatigue
• constant headache
• exercise intolerance
• dizziness
• fatigue
• lightheadedness
• hypotension
• varying gastrointestinal symptoms
• excessive thirst
• Feels worse after large meals

there are other symptoms as well, but these are definitely some red flags.

The doctor told us to add salt into his diet.  He told me to add it to EVERYTHING Chris ate, as well as making him drink Gatorade, and to lower the intake of carbs into Chris's diet.

The more I think about our situation, the more I realize they were treating a symptom of POTS (of which there is no 'cure') which was the hypotension.  This is actually one of the only things that can be done.

I've also been reading a lot about gluten intolerances and celiac disease.
Chris's cousin has celiac disease, and as I was talking with her mom about the symptoms, Chris has many of the same symptoms that Harper had prior to her diagnosis.

Symptoms of Gluten intolerance include:

• digestive issues
• fatigue
• dizziness
• migraine headaches
• fatigue
• fatigue increased after eating
• numbness/tingling in arms/legs
• fluctuations in weight/excessive bloating

In the multiple pamphlets (which I got from our school counselor because of our student), literature, online, etc. that I have read, patients with POTS show improvements in switching to a gluten free diet.  Also, caffeine can also help, (because it is a stimulant--this has a point, I promise)

So we have tried a few meals completely gluten free.  Chris does not have noxious fumes coming out of him afterward and he feels significantly better in comparison to our not so healthy/gluten laden meals. 

As much as I don't know how much this will help, and how much I LOVE my bread and pasta, I love my Christopher more.  I love him more than I ever thought I could love someone, and if making this dietary change helps him feel better, then I can sacrifice my love of bread and pasta.

I learned, (way before I even knew Chris existed) that Dr. Pepper is gluten free.   I didn't really care at the time, but Dr. Pepper does make Chris feel a little better, (headaches anyway.) I think it might be the caffeine, but at least we I won't have to give up another love.

(Also, completely unrelated to Chris, I was having a few issues in college, and they thought it was my thyroid, but my levels were never low enough (they were on the lowest end of normal/high end of low) to truly diagnose me with hypothyroidism, even though I had most of the symptoms.  In my reading on gluten intolerance, I found that 80% of hypothyroid cases are actually caused by gluten intolerance/celiac disease.  So "going gluten free" may actually help both of us)

 Chris and I have had multiple discussions concerning this change, and we agree that it is for the best, especially because we definitely think it helps.  We do have quite a bit of food that has gluten that we both feel guilty "just throwing out" but we have agreed to start buying only foods that do not contain gluten. 

And we have looked at the gluten free section at the stores around here (which are TINY) and they have gluten free pasta.  I started feeling better about the switch as soon as I found that.  I'm sure it will be difficult for a month or two, but if we both start feeling better it will definitely be worth it.

If any of you have actually read to this point, any advice/recipes/foods etc. on going gluten free would be appreciated.  I have been doing some research on recipes (aka pinterest) and that has made me feel a little better, because they feel "doable" but I need any help I can get.

On an unrelated/related note, this will help with our budgeting as well.  Yesterday we sat down and made a menu for the week and a shopping list.  This is the first time in our marriage we have ever done this, although we kind of did this for two reasons as his parents are coming to visit for a week, but any excuse is a good excuse to get us in the right direction.

And just because I can, and if you've made it this far, you deserve a picture:

Still living happily ever after, no matter the 'adventure' we have to face.

a really long tale about nothing in particular, but everything at the same time

It's crazy to say that we have been so busy, yet nothing has really happened in the last month and a half or so.

Don't get me wrong, we've been busy, but nothing newsworthy. Like two of our goats were eaten by coyotes, we sold another goat and made our money back on her (rarely happens), we bought two piglets we are going to raise up for butchering. (All within less than a week)

We sold most of our calves, and they were top sellers at the auction, bringing in a little more money than we had budgeted.

Our chickens are all officially laying now, and we are getting 10-12 eggs a day, of which Chris and I have been selling at work, bringing in enough money to pay for their feed.

We are getting ready to breed my jersey heifer, so she'll be calving this summer, and we will then have "farm fresh" milk.

So far, all I've written about are the animals, but really that is a big aspect of our lives now, (really MY life, animals have always been a big part of Chris's life.)

Other things have happened too, but they are things I want to come home and forget about.

Like my job.  Usually there are days/weeks/times I don't enjoy my job. There are things about teaching that no one told you about, plus I think you always have unenjoyable moments of any job, but this year, I am really struggling to enjoy anything about my job.

We have students this year who learned some really nasty habits last year. This group of students have strong personalities, and more than enough attitude to go along with it. I have been told on numerous occasions, by both parents and students, that they "didn't do anything" last year. They never had homework, they didn't have to sit quietly in class, and they didn't have to listen to their teachers.  They didn't clean up after themselves, which is evident by the amounts of trash I make them pick up before they are allowed to leave my room.

Students are really struggling passing my class this year. I've never seen students quite like this group of kids. Neither have my colleagues who have been teaching 15 plus years, who are also struggling with this group of kids.

I come home exhausted and with a headache almost EVERY day. Our house has been in such disarray lately, because when I come home I just want to veg out, and on the weekends I am so exhausted that I don't have the energy to deal with it.

Thankfully, like usual, I have an amazing husband who has stepped it up.  He has been doing the cooking, cleaning and laundry for the past 6-8 weeks, without complaint. AND he still takes care of all the animals, and all the other chores we have around the house.

We also have terrible wind. Like tornado wind that is associated with life out on the plains.  We had 100mph wind gusts the other day, which took out our barn/garage.  Part of the roof blew into the neighbors field, taking out the power lines along the way.  It was so strong it BENT a thick metal wall (think thick, insulated garage door)

We've also had an array of visitors, which has been nice.  Consistent enough to be pleasant, but not so much to be overwhelming.

So basically, that is a really long tale about nothing in particular, but everything at the same time.

Courage

This post takes courage for me to write. Courage is not something that I would say is something that I exude very often.  But today it is in the front of my mind, and I know that once I write out this post, and sort out my feelings, that it will be worth it.

This morning I looked at this picture and my heart started to hurt.

It didn’t hurt because of sadness, but hurt because of how happy I am.  I am so happy with my marriage and this picture encompasses everything I feel our relationship is.  I know that had I married anyone other than Chris, that I would not be nearly as happy as I am with him.  He does so much for me and us. 

With that said…

I always admired those women and men at church who would come alone to church every week.  Those women who got their children ready in the morning and brought them to church and sat alone in Sunday school.  I have known several of these extremely strong women, and I always admired their courage, but I never thought it would be me.

Today in church I sat in Sunday school alone, like I always do, which actually isn’t bad at all.  But it was when the teacher started discussing today’s topic that I began to feel upset sitting alone for the first time.  The topic was temple marriage, and I was frustrated (I want to say offended, but I’m not quite sure either word quite fits what I was feeling.) The insensitivity of the class got to me.  I could feel it building, but I put on a strong front, because the subject is something that I have thought about plenty of times.  But it was when one comment was made that tears started building up in my eyes, and as more class members added to the comment, the tears started streaming down my face, until I lost it, running out of the building, crying like a fool, scaring a primary class that was outside for the day. 

What was the comment you say? Well, it was one that I have never heard before when it comes to temple marriage: “if you get married outside the temple, you really are signing a marriage certificate and a divorce certificate on the same day” there was something more, but I don’t exactly remember the wording and I don’t want to make it sound worse than it was, but just understand that any marriage outside of the temple was condemned in the sight of God.  Tears welled in my eyes. I wasn’t prepared for it.  Then as more and more comments were made, the tears started falling.

I was shocked, literally shocked, at the comments.  Many of them made by people who know me, and know my situation. To keep this from getting away from me, just know that regardless if I had been married in the temple or not I would have been offended (for lack of a better word.)

I am not ashamed of my marriage with Chris.  Did it take courage to marry Chris?ABSOLUTELY! Did it take courage to keep my standards when I was getting married?YES! In fact, as I was getting ready for church this morning, I was thinking of my wedding dress, and how I wanted to write a post about why it was important to me to have a modest wedding dress even though I wasn’t getting married in the temple. (I think I still will write that post, but I found it interesting that this is what was running through my mind this morning, only to be shocked hours later concerning the same subject.) But was it worth it? YES!

As I sat in my car, crying harder than I probably should I have, I thought about why people would say such hurtful things.  Does God really condemn me and my marriage just because I didn’t get married in the temple?  I called Chris and attempted to tell him, and I just couldn’t get it out without crying all over again.  I never have forced the church on Chris.  I want him to ask questions as he is comfortable, and he has. But I don’t want him to feel that he has to join the church because of me, or what I want.  It has to be him.

Chris and I have a good marriage.  We have a better marriage than several people I know who did get married in the temple, and just because you have a temple marriage doesn’t mean it’s forever, as I know several temple marriages that have now ended in divorce.  I think people need to understand that we have a loving Heavenly Father watching over us, and he isn’t a cruel God.  He wants us to be happy, and He wants us to make righteous decisions.  I don’t believe that God thinks that because I didn’t get married in the temple my decision to marry Chris was not a righteous one.  I think that when we get to the other side, God is going to consider all of the things that have happened in our lives when it comes to determining our eternal fates, and we have to have courage in our decisions that we are doing what we know to be right, despite what others may say about it.

When I say successfully...

So I successfully made it through my first week back with students, and when I say "successfully" I mean I made it through without dying, or hurting anyone. But man oh man, it was probably my roughest week ever in teaching. I came home exhausted EVERY night this week.

Poor Christopher had to deal with the brunt of it. Every night, after listening to Chris complain how hungry he was, I literally had to drag my butt off of the couch to make dinner, which I only successfully did twice, and when I say "successfully" I mean one night I boiled some pasta and poured some canned spaghetti sauce on top, and made French toast one night. Eating really healthy! YIKES! The other nights are a complete blur.

However, I've successfully managed to make sure I stayed connected with my husband. And when I say "successfully" I mean I kissed him when I got home and didn't talk to him the rest of the evening, and if he tried to talk to me I got really irritable and cranky.

I've also successfully managed to keep my house clean and especially the kitchen; and when I say successfully I mean I nagged at my husband for an entire week, until he spent his entire day off doing dishes and wiping off the counters I made dirty.

I also successfully took care of my chores, which means I completely neglected them, and Chris had to feed and water both sets of chickens because I couldn't remember the last time I even checked on them. Also, it means I spent a total of half an hour in my garden, all last night, and picked close to 20 overgrown squash.

It has definitely NOT been my best week, especially concerning my home life, but I actually have one success. The students I have this year are coming with some baggage (more on that another day) but essentially, they no longer know how to act in class. Usually the first 1-2 weeks of school are a breeze and then kids start testing the water to see how much they can get away with. This year from day one I have had to get on kids for behavior. But by Friday the kids as a whole were MUCH better, but by Friday I was tired and cranky, and more witch-like than I had been all week.

So I'm going to do a little retail therapy today with one of my favorite people in the whole wide world (Maraleigh), have lunch at Taco Bell with the same little girl, and tomorrow I'm going to SLEEP a LOT, and hopefully I will actually be able to say the weekend successfully prepared me for next week.

One Year of Marriage

One year ago today, Christopher and I were married.

And what a year it has been!
In August:

• we got married
• we went on our honeymoon to Disneyland
• we bought a house
• I started a new job

In September:

• We moved to our new house

In October:

• Chris and I went to Nebraska (my first time!)
• We bought a horse

In November:

• Chris was admitted into the hospital
• We celebrated our first Thanksgiving and Black Friday together

In December:

• We celebrated our first Christmas together (I was with my family the previous year)

In January:

• We discussed our goals and what we wanted out of life in the near future
• Chris’s parents came to visit
• We took out the floating kitchen cabinets that divided the dining room/kitchen
• We painted our living room, dining room and kitchen
• We added crown molding to the living room

In February:

• We started an Etsy shop
• We bought our first laying hens
• We did our first fiscal fast
• We took out the window “treatments” in the kitchen

In March:

• We bought our first broiler chickens
• We stayed home for spring break and worked on the house

In April:

• I went to my first live baseball game (Go SkySox!)
• Chris’s grandfather passed away
• Chris bought me and {extremely} early birthday present (my porch swing) and I use it almost everyday

In May:

• I butchered my first chicken
• We celebrated Chris turning 26
• I ended out my first school year in Brush (and it was a GREAT year!)

In June:

• I broke my arm
• I bought a jersey heifer
• Chris bought some goats
We planted our very first garden together
• We participated in bountiful baskets for the first time, which led to my first even canning experience (with Chris’s help because of breaking my arm)
• We finished going through all the boxes etc that we have left upstairs since we moved.
• We painted one of the rooms upstairs (my craft room)

In July:

• We celebrated our first fourth of July together, and went to see the fireworks in Otis
• We celebrated my 25th birthday
• We finished (ish) painting the house including: the hallway,stairway, upstairs bedrooms, upstairs reading room, and all trim.
• We took a short, quick road trip with Chris’s family to Indiana

Our first year has been filled with many things.  Many ups, many downs.  It’s been filled with love and heartache.
When in Indiana, so many of Chris’s family members commented on how hard the first year of marriage is.  I have been so relieved in hearing so many couples say this, because before the wedding, all you hear anything about is the wonderful “honeymoon stage” the first year is.  I wish I had heard before the wedding that the first year was going to be hard, so then I could’ve been more prepared.
But we have a good marriage.  We’ve talked about why we have a good marriage.  We love each other unconditionally.  We respect each other.  We laugh with each other. We understand one another.
When I married Chris I loved him more than I ever could have imagined.
Now, I find myself looking into his beautiful blue eyes, and falling deeper in love with him every day.  Some days it feels like we have been married for a LONG time, that we have known each other much longer than we have, and other days it feels as if we were just married yesterday. 

One year down, the rest of forever to go.

Summer through my iPhone

Considering that this happened in the first week of summer vacation:

I wasn't able to do much typing, and frankly I was kind of down and out for a while after breaking my arm.

So I figure I will just share with you through pictures what my summer has been.

We replaced these ugly light fixtures in the front of the house:

‘

With fans:

I bought a jersey heifer:

(isn’t she adorable?!?)

We found out Ace HATES thunderstorms!

I canned for the very first time:

Our chickens started laying eggs, YAY!

We had a visit or two from these cuties:

We went to the fireworks in Otis:

 

 

We celebrated two birthdays!

      

We worked on the house, a lot!

We filled in the “window”:

 

 

 

And AFTER! I am sooo happy with it:

      

We replaced light fixtures:

Before:

 

 

So much better!  We also replaced the hall lights, but alas, no iPhone pictures.

We also finished painting! (ish)

I wish I had before pictures on my phone.  I only have this “after” one of our guest bedroom.  I do have before and after pictures, but it is on my big camera.

I also did a few crafts:

I made this TV stand out of a dresser a lady from work gave me.

          

And this is a dresser I got for free from craigslist that I gave a nice face-lift.

  

We also did a quick road trip in a motor home with Chris’s parents to Indiana:

And on the trip we got to hang out with this cute girl for a few days:

I got my cast off:

and immediately got sunburned where my cast was :/

We also found this big guy hanging out on the 4-wheeler in the barn:

YIKES!

Changed

This post is not to air dirty laundry, but to just express the deep sadness that I have experienced at the loss of my mom.

Yesterday I posted on Facebook that I miss my mom, not the stranger she has now become. This was followed by several questions, because many did not understand what I was talking about. So I thought I would clarify here, on the one place that has always been mine, no matter where I've gone, this has been MY place.

Most people who know the circumstance, just think I'm upset because my mom divorced my dad and got remarried. This is not true. I am upset at the person she has decided to become.

My mom and I have had our problems in our lives, don't get me wrong, but I have never felt like she is a stranger to me, like I do now. My mom has ALWAYS been there for me, no matter what has happened in our lives, she has ALWAYS been willing to do what it takes for her children. This is no longer true. I can't even call and talk to her on the phone anymore, because she doesn't listen, if I try to express something I'm going through, or when I try talking to her, she doesn't even respond unless its about her or Leroy. And Leroy is ALWAYS the only thing she can talk to me about, and honestly, I want to talk to my mom about something, ANYTHING, other than Leroy.

I was really hurt when Chris and I were engaged and planning our wedding. I wanted her to come dress shopping with me, to help me plan, and she didn't. She and Leroy eloped on the day that I went dress shopping, and was too self absorbed to hear me when I asked for her help (I did ask her, but she continually denies it, and lets be honest, after being blown off enough times, you learn to quit asking.) even asking her to help Kimmie with my bridal shower was frustrating, because the day wasn't going to be about her or Leroy and what was worse? After my bridal shower (which was on my birthday) she LEFT me at home after telling me we had all these plans together.

My whole wedding in and of itself became drama filled, and all I heard from her day after day was Leroy didn't want to go, Leroy will go to California but not to the wedding, Leroy will go to California as long as they "do other stuff", coming to California is too expensive (because of everything they wanted to pack into the week, not the actual coming to the wedding), she didn't have anything to wear, etc. etc. etc. I just wanted my mom to be there for me, and it felt like I was asking too much of her, almost to the point where I didn't even want her there. Your wedding is supposed to be the most exciting times in your life, and to be told you're being selfish for being excited about it, by the person who should be JUST as excited as you, is heartbreaking.

I think it hurt the most when Chris was in the hospital and the time after he was discharged. That was a difficult time for me. And I remember crying on the phone BEGGING her to come because I couldn't take it. I needed her and she told me she couldn't come help because she had to make Thanksgiving Dinner for Leroy's parents, and she needed to ask Leroy for permission and he probably wouldn't let her.

These are the MAJOR hurts that really make me miss my mom. There are so many minor hurts that add up too. My mom used to make her grandchildren a priority. She would make sure to come visit them at LEAST once a month, and this year (since my wedding) she has only seen them twice, once in October and once in March. And she treats them differently now than she used to, like her patience and tolerance for things that she used to love about them. She got rid of her dogs that she had for 10 years, that used to be her babies, because Leroy didn't like them, but he could keep his dog.

And it's not just those things, it's how she lets him talk to her. She makes excuses for him though. All I have to say is, if Chris said half of the things to me that Leroy says to my mom, he would be out in the cold, because I wouldn't put up with it, which is how my mom raised me (I think that's what we call irony.) Example: my mom crashed her car on Christmas Eve. She called Leroy multiple times before he answered. When he finally did, he came down, looked at her car, and basically screamed at her for driving too fast on the icy roads, and told her that he was leaving and she could walk home or have the patrolman drive her home when he got there. He left her in a snow storm on Christmas Eve and yelled at her for sliding on the ice.

This is just ONE of many horrible things he has done to her, but the list goes on and on and on.

She's just not the person who raised me, and it's REALLY hard sometimes, because I just want a mom, and I don't feel like I have one anymore.

Unexpected

A year ago (minus a few days) my honey proposed to me.  He expressed his love to me, told me how he had never been as happy as I made him and he promised me love and adventure.

 

This picture was the first picture Chris and I ever took together back in February 2012. I look at this picture and smile. I knew Chris was perfect for me then, and I still know.

I love how in love I was with Chris back then, and how much my love has grown for him.  I am SO in love with this man.  He saved my life.

 

I know that his family probably thinks Chris could do a lot better than me, that Chris could have gotten someone better matched to his personality. And I would agree with them, Chris absolutely can do better than me, and probably deserves better, but for me, Chris is perfect.  He is the best thing that has ever happened to me. He changed my perspective on life and marriage and family.  He gave me hope. He made me want to do more, see more, be more.

 

Our love was unexpected, but meant to be.  Everything fell into place for both of us to move to the speck of dust town of Yuma, Colorado.  Moving there, neither of us expected to find someone or fall in love. Moving there was supposed to be temporary.

 

I know that I talk about Chris a lot on this blog, but he is my life.  I think about him ALL the time.  I think about him driving to work.  I think about him at work. I think about him driving home from work.  I can't wait to go home just so I can see him.

 

 I love that he makes sure to kiss me before he leaves for work in the morning.  I love that he kisses me when he gets home from work. I love that he texts me in the morning to wake me up and to tell me that he loves me.   I love that he tells me I'm beautiful every day.  I love that he tells me every day he is lucky to have me in life. I love that he teaches me.  I love how PATIENT he is, especially with me. I love how passionate he is. I love how hard he works.  I love how much he endures. I love watching him with Tobin and Namara.

 

I know that I am honestly the luckiest girl in the world to have Chris in my life. He loves me unconditionally. Chris is my gentle giant that has the most tender heart I have ever met.  Some people questioned my decision. I never have.  As hard as some things have gotten, I have never questioned my love for Chris.  Sometimes I wonder if I'm living in a dream.  I wonder if this is actually my life. How is it that I could be so lucky.

 

And then I look at my honey, and none of it matters, because he is mine forever and I have no reason to question that.

Live the life you imagined…

I’ve been thinking about that quote a lot, especially this past week when I had a week off and was home with more than enough time to myself.

The life I imagined, is not the life I’m living:

I never imagined living 45 minutes away from the closest town and Walmart. I never imagined having 42 chickens being raised in my living room for their first few weeks of life. I never imagined living away from the mountains.  I never imagined having over 50 cows less than 20 yards from my front door. I never imagined making a life with someone.  I never imagined I would teach middle school.  I never imagined I would be up at 5:00 every morning to bottle feed baby calves.  I never imagined I would own my own horse, or go riding my own horse to help round up cows. I never imagined I would be a home-owner before I was 30, and with that home be re-doing the WHOLE thing.  I never imagined I would want to start a family.  I never imagined I would own 4 dogs at the SAME time (2 border collies, 2 toy poodle mixes).

All of the above are currently my life.  None of them are what I imagined.  Sometimes all of the above are really hard for me.  Sometimes I lay in bed crying because I am so overwhelmed with our lives and with what is going to be happening, and what is currently happening.  Sometimes I feel like it is too much for me to handle, because it is NOT what I imagined.

Then there are nights like tonight.  My honey brought home Chinese food.  It is the one and ONLY thing I really miss about Yuma.  It has the BEST Chinese I have ever had, and it is a LOT of food, for a very reasonable price.  (Seriously though, the BEST Chinese, my brother took us to a Chinese restaurant in Colorado Springs that he claimed was “the best” and it paled in comparison)

Looking at my beautiful Easter flowers, and eating my yummy Chinese food, I realized I may not be living the life I imagined, but I am living a pretty darn good life.

I have an amazing husband who would do almost anything to make me happy, I have a roof over my head that I OWN and can make my own however I decide to do so.  I have a job in the field I studied in, we are on our way to being self sufficient as we prep our garden and have all our chickens (30 broiler {meat} chickens and 12 hens). 

I may not quite be living the life I imagined, but I love the life I’m living and …

… I really am Living Happily Ever After.

Two Days in Paradise.

The day after Valentine's I had off for a comp day (parent-teacher conferences). We were excited to actually get to spend two full days, uniterrupted, together. Because it has been a year since we have been bowling together (I would say a year and leave it at that, but I think I might have been bowling this summer, like once, maybe?) We ventured our way to Sterling for a fabulous meal of Taco Bell, and then we went to the bowling alley. We were only about 6 frames in, when the lady working at the alley made us leave. I was really upset. She gave us a gift certificate to come back another time, but I don't think she realized what a rarity it was for us to be able to be there and go to begin with! It took a lot from me not to cry. I know it wasn't a big deal, and it really wasn't her fault, but it's something we don't get to do very often, and she was kinda raining on my day date.

After I finished my little pitty party, we ventured over to Bomgaars which got their second shipment of chicks in. We bought 9 last week when the kids were visiting, but the green egg layers (Americanas) didn't come in the first shipment.  When we bought 9 we were only planning on 6. This time we were only going to get 1 Americana, but we both felt really awkward asking for just one chicken, so we ended up with 3 and rationalized it that we were making it an even dozen.

Our 2 Americanas and 1 Sicilian Buttercup.

Wal-mart was last on our list, where we were only going to buy sour cream and milk. But they had all the gardening stuff out, and we just bought all our trees and bushes for the garden from Gurney's but didn't get any seeds so I convinced Chris we needed to get our seeds for our garden too! He made so much fun of me because of how excited I got over a packet of seeds. He knew I loved Easter and Springtime, but I guess he didn't realize how much!

Chris also suprised me with a boquet of tulips! I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE tulips. They're probably my second favourite flower (next to Sunflowers of course!). I was so excited, (and of course okay with it because it wasn't valentines day or roses!) Every time I walk into the kitchen I make a comment about them.

But they are so beautiful! And I adore them.

Saturday we went to the hay auction and then kind of sat around the house and dinked around. We took the "window treatments" off of our kitchen windows. We also hung a few frames and pictures that we've been meaning to get to.

Again dummy-me, I forgot to get a before picture, but the "treatments" were just 6 in pieces of wood attached to the front end of the cabinents, so they weren't even true window treatments.

(After I took this picture, I realized we REALLY need to do something with this light fixture. It is UGLY and DIRTY!)

These are the kitchen signs I hung. Totally got them off of pinterest- free printables. Man I love Pinterest! This only cost us $3 for the frames that I found at the dollar store, and they look really nice and just gives it a little something extra.

The more time Chris and I spend together the better it gets. It's so much easier to get stuff done to the house when we're off together than just one of us trying to get stuff done on our own. We are slowly making progress, and making this house a home, and making it our own.