Happy. This has never
been a word that I would choose to describe me, my personality or anything to
do with who I am. I know that sounds
bad, but you know when you are in a new group setting and having to introduce
yourself and choose just three words to describe yourself, happy has never been
anywhere near to a word I would choose.
I can think of people in my life that I would label as happy and I can
remember thinking how strange it must be to be happy all the time.
Cynical and creative are always words that would be used to describe the person who Tiffany is. She has always been and always will be. In the last four or five years, cranky might actually be added to that description list, and I’m okay with that. I’m okay with who I am and I’ve come to terms with who and what I am and what I’m not.
Until…
About a month ago (after my miscarriage/d&c if you
recall) I was sitting in Exam Room 2, waiting for Dr. A to come back from a
surgery for my post op appointment. They
weren’t sure how much longer he was going to be, so I was fully dressed and texting Chris when I heard his voice outside the room and him barge into the room. He began making small talk about what I don’t
recall the details at this point, but something he said that day has stuck in
my brain ever since: Tiffany, you’re
always so happy! Me: is that a bad thing? Dr. A: no, it’s a great trait to have. You have such a positive outlook on life and
are always cheery and happy.
When I got home, I told Chris what Dr. A said, he laughed
and said he must not know you very well.
This upset me, but was true.
This happened almost a month ago, but it was such a profound
moment for me. Like I said, and like
anyone who has ever known me will probably say, happy and cheery are not words
that describe who I am. But why can’t
they? This is the big eye opener for me:
Why
can’t these words describe me?
I am not a happy person, but I can be. I look at my life and I have a pretty
wonderful life. I think of my marriage and
I almost always tear up because it is beyond any relationship family I ever
could have dreamed up for myself and it makes me happy.
So I resolved, and I have to resolve every day that I get out of bed and deal with other people, to be happy. I want to be known for being that person who always had a smile, who always was genuinely happy. There are days where I am not happy and days where I am cranky and snap at Chris or my students, but I’m getting so much better at being happy and I can feel it. And those days where I am cranky or snappy or just downright unhappy I just have to try better the next day and the day after that.
I think about my life, which is a pretty great life, might I
add, and I have no reason to be unhappy. I have trials just like everyone else, and
there have been some really crummy things that have happened to me and Chris in
the last year, but I have to remember what I want to be and accomplish in
life. Yes, it would be very easy to be
angry and upset especially considering our circumstances of what happened, but
then I remember what I want more. I want to be happy, and being
upset/cynical/angry doesn’t hurt anyone but me and my relationships with my husband,
my family and my Heavenly Father.
So this is my resolve: To be happy; To smile through the
tears; To be that person that is cheery and happy and makes you want to be too (you know those people who are like this, and this isn't going to happen overnight for dear ol' Tiffany though, so be patient.) To remember that my trials aren't the end of the world, and I always, always, always have something to be grateful for and happy about.
