Courage

This post takes courage for me to write. Courage is not something that I would say is something that I exude very often.  But today it is in the front of my mind, and I know that once I write out this post, and sort out my feelings, that it will be worth it.

This morning I looked at this picture and my heart started to hurt.

It didn’t hurt because of sadness, but hurt because of how happy I am.  I am so happy with my marriage and this picture encompasses everything I feel our relationship is.  I know that had I married anyone other than Chris, that I would not be nearly as happy as I am with him.  He does so much for me and us. 

With that said…

I always admired those women and men at church who would come alone to church every week.  Those women who got their children ready in the morning and brought them to church and sat alone in Sunday school.  I have known several of these extremely strong women, and I always admired their courage, but I never thought it would be me.

Today in church I sat in Sunday school alone, like I always do, which actually isn’t bad at all.  But it was when the teacher started discussing today’s topic that I began to feel upset sitting alone for the first time.  The topic was temple marriage, and I was frustrated (I want to say offended, but I’m not quite sure either word quite fits what I was feeling.) The insensitivity of the class got to me.  I could feel it building, but I put on a strong front, because the subject is something that I have thought about plenty of times.  But it was when one comment was made that tears started building up in my eyes, and as more class members added to the comment, the tears started streaming down my face, until I lost it, running out of the building, crying like a fool, scaring a primary class that was outside for the day. 

What was the comment you say? Well, it was one that I have never heard before when it comes to temple marriage: “if you get married outside the temple, you really are signing a marriage certificate and a divorce certificate on the same day” there was something more, but I don’t exactly remember the wording and I don’t want to make it sound worse than it was, but just understand that any marriage outside of the temple was condemned in the sight of God.  Tears welled in my eyes. I wasn’t prepared for it.  Then as more and more comments were made, the tears started falling.

I was shocked, literally shocked, at the comments.  Many of them made by people who know me, and know my situation. To keep this from getting away from me, just know that regardless if I had been married in the temple or not I would have been offended (for lack of a better word.)

I am not ashamed of my marriage with Chris.  Did it take courage to marry Chris?ABSOLUTELY! Did it take courage to keep my standards when I was getting married?YES! In fact, as I was getting ready for church this morning, I was thinking of my wedding dress, and how I wanted to write a post about why it was important to me to have a modest wedding dress even though I wasn’t getting married in the temple. (I think I still will write that post, but I found it interesting that this is what was running through my mind this morning, only to be shocked hours later concerning the same subject.) But was it worth it? YES!

As I sat in my car, crying harder than I probably should I have, I thought about why people would say such hurtful things.  Does God really condemn me and my marriage just because I didn’t get married in the temple?  I called Chris and attempted to tell him, and I just couldn’t get it out without crying all over again.  I never have forced the church on Chris.  I want him to ask questions as he is comfortable, and he has. But I don’t want him to feel that he has to join the church because of me, or what I want.  It has to be him.

Chris and I have a good marriage.  We have a better marriage than several people I know who did get married in the temple, and just because you have a temple marriage doesn’t mean it’s forever, as I know several temple marriages that have now ended in divorce.  I think people need to understand that we have a loving Heavenly Father watching over us, and he isn’t a cruel God.  He wants us to be happy, and He wants us to make righteous decisions.  I don’t believe that God thinks that because I didn’t get married in the temple my decision to marry Chris was not a righteous one.  I think that when we get to the other side, God is going to consider all of the things that have happened in our lives when it comes to determining our eternal fates, and we have to have courage in our decisions that we are doing what we know to be right, despite what others may say about it.

When I say successfully...

So I successfully made it through my first week back with students, and when I say "successfully" I mean I made it through without dying, or hurting anyone. But man oh man, it was probably my roughest week ever in teaching. I came home exhausted EVERY night this week.

Poor Christopher had to deal with the brunt of it. Every night, after listening to Chris complain how hungry he was, I literally had to drag my butt off of the couch to make dinner, which I only successfully did twice, and when I say "successfully" I mean one night I boiled some pasta and poured some canned spaghetti sauce on top, and made French toast one night. Eating really healthy! YIKES! The other nights are a complete blur.

However, I've successfully managed to make sure I stayed connected with my husband. And when I say "successfully" I mean I kissed him when I got home and didn't talk to him the rest of the evening, and if he tried to talk to me I got really irritable and cranky.

I've also successfully managed to keep my house clean and especially the kitchen; and when I say successfully I mean I nagged at my husband for an entire week, until he spent his entire day off doing dishes and wiping off the counters I made dirty.

I also successfully took care of my chores, which means I completely neglected them, and Chris had to feed and water both sets of chickens because I couldn't remember the last time I even checked on them. Also, it means I spent a total of half an hour in my garden, all last night, and picked close to 20 overgrown squash.

It has definitely NOT been my best week, especially concerning my home life, but I actually have one success. The students I have this year are coming with some baggage (more on that another day) but essentially, they no longer know how to act in class. Usually the first 1-2 weeks of school are a breeze and then kids start testing the water to see how much they can get away with. This year from day one I have had to get on kids for behavior. But by Friday the kids as a whole were MUCH better, but by Friday I was tired and cranky, and more witch-like than I had been all week.

So I'm going to do a little retail therapy today with one of my favorite people in the whole wide world (Maraleigh), have lunch at Taco Bell with the same little girl, and tomorrow I'm going to SLEEP a LOT, and hopefully I will actually be able to say the weekend successfully prepared me for next week.

One Year of Marriage

One year ago today, Christopher and I were married.

And what a year it has been!
In August:

• we got married
• we went on our honeymoon to Disneyland
• we bought a house
• I started a new job

In September:

• We moved to our new house

In October:

• Chris and I went to Nebraska (my first time!)
• We bought a horse

In November:

• Chris was admitted into the hospital
• We celebrated our first Thanksgiving and Black Friday together

In December:

• We celebrated our first Christmas together (I was with my family the previous year)

In January:

• We discussed our goals and what we wanted out of life in the near future
• Chris’s parents came to visit
• We took out the floating kitchen cabinets that divided the dining room/kitchen
• We painted our living room, dining room and kitchen
• We added crown molding to the living room

In February:

• We started an Etsy shop
• We bought our first laying hens
• We did our first fiscal fast
• We took out the window “treatments” in the kitchen

In March:

• We bought our first broiler chickens
• We stayed home for spring break and worked on the house

In April:

• I went to my first live baseball game (Go SkySox!)
• Chris’s grandfather passed away
• Chris bought me and {extremely} early birthday present (my porch swing) and I use it almost everyday

In May:

• I butchered my first chicken
• We celebrated Chris turning 26
• I ended out my first school year in Brush (and it was a GREAT year!)

In June:

• I broke my arm
• I bought a jersey heifer
• Chris bought some goats
We planted our very first garden together
• We participated in bountiful baskets for the first time, which led to my first even canning experience (with Chris’s help because of breaking my arm)
• We finished going through all the boxes etc that we have left upstairs since we moved.
• We painted one of the rooms upstairs (my craft room)

In July:

• We celebrated our first fourth of July together, and went to see the fireworks in Otis
• We celebrated my 25th birthday
• We finished (ish) painting the house including: the hallway,stairway, upstairs bedrooms, upstairs reading room, and all trim.
• We took a short, quick road trip with Chris’s family to Indiana

Our first year has been filled with many things.  Many ups, many downs.  It’s been filled with love and heartache.
When in Indiana, so many of Chris’s family members commented on how hard the first year of marriage is.  I have been so relieved in hearing so many couples say this, because before the wedding, all you hear anything about is the wonderful “honeymoon stage” the first year is.  I wish I had heard before the wedding that the first year was going to be hard, so then I could’ve been more prepared.
But we have a good marriage.  We’ve talked about why we have a good marriage.  We love each other unconditionally.  We respect each other.  We laugh with each other. We understand one another.
When I married Chris I loved him more than I ever could have imagined.
Now, I find myself looking into his beautiful blue eyes, and falling deeper in love with him every day.  Some days it feels like we have been married for a LONG time, that we have known each other much longer than we have, and other days it feels as if we were just married yesterday. 

One year down, the rest of forever to go.