It's Working!

I figure I should update on my summer of love project now that we are already a month in (tear! a month of my summer is already gone!) and all I have to say is: it's working!

I feel so much better than I have all year.  A few highlights: I have lost 10 lbs! Now, understand, with how much weight I gained, which was considerable, it definitely does not look like I have lost 10 lbs, but my scale has definitely come down, and I feel it in my running.

My running isn't as far along as I would have hoped, but my endurance is so much better. When I started out, I really couldn't go very far, and I can now go triple what I started out at. (Sorry for the ending in double prepositions, but alas, what can I say, I'm on summer break, at least you get my acknowledgement that I know I shouldn't do it.)  I run on the back road behind our house, which is nice, because I can bring the dogs, but it sucks, because the weeds are thick and it's difficult to run in. Especially with the distance I am wanting to accomplish, I am going to have to find another place. I have a cheap elliptical we bought this winter, but I truly prefer running outside, so a solution is definitely being sought out.

My house is coming along. My in-laws were here for a few days, and they helped with some things on the house (they are seriously great that way, even when I say not to worry about any projects, they always find something to help us out with) Chris built some miniature white picket fences (I've always been in love with white picket fences) to go around my flowers in the front of the house, because we found out that I'm not the only one who loves flowers, Ace does too.  So much in fact that he chews on my rose bushes and digs up my plants. So Chris designed and measured and made these cute little fences for me so I could have some flowers.

And now for a photo update:

Chris's (27th!) birthday: celebrating my love

Midnight, in a box, because she's the cutest, seriously, ever.

Love! He is so good with them!

Namara and her egg.

Piglets? I felt like a super cool aunt this day.

We did some updating in the kitchen. I seriously need to do a post just on our house to show the before and afters so far. Seriously drastic differences!

My flowers and white picket fence! Eeep! :)

My sweet (mostly finished) front porch, and my second picket fence. And my Lillys :)

My morning runs with mister and Pandora (sweet song, eh)

And last, but most importantly, my honey:

And just to show you why Christopher was on my list, this:

Every morning, without fail, Chris texts me. I'm not even kidding you. Every. Single. Morning. 

How did I get so lucky?

The Summer of Love 2014

My good friend and colleague told me recently that she is planning on having this summer to be her summer of love.  (That sentence is really horrible grammar, but I can't figure out how to fix it right now, so you will just have to deal with it.) She is a few years older than me and single and fiercely independent.  She and I are kindred spirits, but that's a post for another day.  Her summer of love is one of finding love and a companion who can walk beside her and support her in her adventures and start a family (see! Kindred spirits!)

I have been thinking on this phrase, and I have decided to adopt it and also make 2014 the summer of love for Tiffany.  How is this possible when I'm already married?? Keep reading! That's why we're here!

After I got pregnant I thought my life was perfect, things were finally falling into place and life was beautiful. When I found out I lost the baby I was devastated. If you've read my blog, you know how I felt. You also know how I felt when I found out I couldn't have children.  What you don't know is that I feel like since December-ish, everything else in my life has fallen apart.

Yes, my husband joined the church and has gained an amazing testimony, he loves me unconditionally and is my rock, he keeps me grounded when all I want to do is sink beneath it. But things have been so hard. Work, church, life, home has been so hard.

I look in the mirror and I don't like what I see.  I have gained a tremendous amount of weight (between pregnancy weight that I didn't lose, birth control weight, and stress weight), I look exhausted, and I just feel unhappy.  I hate feeling the way I do, but I feel like my life is spinning out of control, much like the tornado we had here in Akron earlier this week. I am just struggling, (hence my lack of writing lately) but this post is not about my struggles, it's about how I'm going to change all that, and how I'm going to do that this summer of love.

First and foremost I bought a new pair of shoes.  Now what does a pair of shoes have to do with love? Well we all know a woman's true love is an amazing new pair of shoes, but also, this:

                                                                                  

                                                 

Typically I don't think this is referring to a pair of running shoes, but in my case it does. I've always wanted to run a half marathon, ever since I was in cross country in high school. It's a bucket list item so to speak, and I have wanted to get into running again, but I didn't have a good pair of running shoes (despite what Chris says about the amount of shoes in my closet.) I have been wanting a pair of ASICS, but they are a bit pricey. ASICS are what I wore when I was running daily in high school and no other pair of tennis/running shoe can compare. I've heard Brooks are pretty fantastic too, but they're even more pricey, so I'll stick with ASICS for now. Plus I got a killer Kohls deal on this pair:

In addition to just owning a fabulous pair of new shoes, these shoes will lead me down my path of love. I am planning on running a half-marathon on Labor Day, which gives me all summer to prep my body to do an amazing thing, and doing this amazing thing (I mean running 13 miles is pretty amazing) I can start to love myself again. I am pretty sure by forcing my body (which looks as if the only half marathoning it's capable of is eating) to run a half marathon, I can not only be proud of myself for an accomplishment, but also love my body, because just saying, I will probably lose some weight in the process. Win-Win for loving myself. 

Secondly is to love my Heavenly Father and to love my Savior, Jesus Christ. Now don't get me wrong, I do love my Heavenly Father and my Savior, I just feel as if I don't have a strong enough relationship with them. I've made this comment before, but in our desperate times we have a tendency to do one of two things: cling on to the gospel and it's teachings, or we let it go because we are just so overwhelmed. I have a tendency to do the latter. I've done both, but my tendency is to stop doing everything we are asked to do because it gets too hard to "do it all".  So this summer I want to work on my testimony and loving my Savior and my Heavenly Father. I also want to be ready for my endowment by the end of the summer, because Chris and I are planning on next March making a special trip to Logan to be sealed for time and all eternity (more on that later). I want to be ready now instead of getting there and realizing I am not ready, and I don't want to be the reason Chris doesn't go through the temple when he is ready.

Third. Love my job. This year I have been flying by the seat of my pants. I have struggled this year with so many aspects of my career. In fact, it has brought many conversations at home on whether or not I want to stay in education, or if I want to go get a Master's degree pursuing another career entirely. I want to give it one more shot, so this summer I am planning on going into school once a week. On this weekly trip, I am going to clean and organize my classroom. Clean, uncluttered environments are the only way to learn. I am also going to get my whole school year ready (because they're changing what I'm doing for the third year in a row). I want to get my lessons, activities, handouts, etc. ready for the entire school year. If I get all of this ready this summer, it will take off a lot of stress during the school year, and I can focus on other things, like being:

                       

Fourth: love my home. I will be the first to admit I HATED our house when Chris bought it. Many may even know the story of how I started crying when I first stepped foot in our house. So I was a little bitter for a while, until I realized the power of paint. Holy cow! That made a world of difference! Then we put pictures on the wall of one of the happiest days of my life, (my wedding, duh!) and I started to put a little work and sweat into our house and with help from Chris, my in-laws, and Kale, I felt like we had a home. In fact we were talking about moving a couple weeks ago, and it made me sad, because I really love what we have done to our house. It is far from perfect, but we have put so much time and work into the house that it feels like home. It feels like ours. Holy Mack- sidetracked! Love my home. Still much to do. I don't think a house is a home until there are flowers in the front yard. I am planning on putting some love into the outside of our house now: clean up the yard, plant a garden, plant some flowers, paint the exterior, and truly love what an amazing place we have that we OWN, that we can fix and make better. Sometimes the task is daunting, which makes me have my negative attitude, but I am planning on loving my home and putting all kinds of work into it this summer.

(This is a little preview of something we started, but you see?!?! Flowers! Of course it snowed shortly after I planted them, and they died :( so I will have to replace them)

And last, love my honey. I mean this kind of speaks for itself, cause look at that face:

How can anyone not love that face? I mean seriously, he's the cutest! I hate to admit this, but there are times when I am just mean to him. It is a horrible thing to admit, but I am.  I think because I know he will still love me unconditionally, but that's no excuse. He is more than I ever wanted in a husband (you know those silly checklists we make when we're young? Yea, he's more than that). This summer I am going to work on showing and expressing my love to him in simple, pure ways, so that he knows I don't take him for granted, because my life with him really is my happily ever after:

                          

So that is my plan for the 2014 summer of love.  My summer doesn't officially start for 12 1\2 more days (but who's counting?) but I am going to start working now because it's never too early to start loving yourself. 

Eight Cows

So I'm sure most of you have seen the short film "Jonny Lingo":

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pfahoLfrddU

And while it was filmed in 1969, it still speaks to me on so many levels.

I am so lucky to be an 8 cow wife. And I say that not because I want to boast or compare cows, but because I am so grateful.

I think often to my younger years as Muhauna the ugly: all the comments from peers, my parents, my brothers: "you're fat!" "Suck it in..." "You're not the kind of girl someone wants to date" "too bad you weren't born in the 1800s... You would've been super weathy based on your size!" 

There were so many venomous comments that were made to me, that I started to believe all of these things. I believed that I was fat and ugly, and I was undateable.

Until I met Chris...

-He tells me how beautiful I am, every day: when I'm sick, when I chop my hair off, when I have no makeup on, it doesn't matter, I am still beautiful in his eyes.

-He puts my wants and needs first. 

-He works hard for us to have a better life. He works anywhere from 10-18 hour days without extra compensation, driving ~70 miles round trip every day, works on the house whenever he is not at work, and still manages to have a smile on his face.

I never would have seen myself as an 8 (actually it's closer to 30-something) cow wife, but Chris makes sure I am. 

How lucky I am.

Choosing your Family

When I was a senior in high school, I met my uncle chad. He and his wife had moved from Utah to work on the new hospital, and to be honest, I thought they were both weird as heck. Then uncle chad was called to serve in the young mens, and destiny set in.

Through his calling, we got to know each other just by talking, and in reality he took me under his wing and I felt as if I had someone who cared about my well-being.

He became the person I confided in, and the person who I trusted to cry with. He became my uncle chad when our relationship was questioned by others. People would see us talking and hugging and people thought something inappropriate was going on. He was warned to be careful around me, and in fact, told to stop interacting with me, but he ignored them, and "uncle chad" was born. 

When I talk about him I always say uncle chad, and no one questions. Sometimes I feel as if I have to explain that he's not really my uncle, but other times I don't.  I explain my surrogate father: he gave me my first blessing, has the best hugs, listens without judgement, counsels without malice. He became someone who I could trust and love knowing I would never be hurt.

I inherited an amazing family along with uncle chad: I inherited aunt christy, and cousins: Cody, Zach, and Nathaniel.

When I was leaving for college, he and his family were moving back to Utah, fairly close to where I would be attending. I was able to go and visit as I needed, and it was a good escape from the stressors of my life that were happening at the time.

                                       

He drove all the way to CA from UT to celebrate our wedding, without ever meeting Chris.

When Chris chose to get baptized, Uncle Chad drove all the way to CO to support him in his decision.  I wish we would have gotten a photo with everyone, but there was so much going on, we didn't even think about it.

On this last visit we were able to sit and talk about all the different happenings going on in each of our lives. He said that family is important, and he will always be there for me.

This comment has resonated with me, ever since: family. He is family. They are family.

Happy Day!

I posted this picture on Saturday on Facebook, with the caption "Happy Day!":

One of the comments read:

 "What happened?!?! Is this a big day?"

I stared at this comment for close to 20 minutes and pondered it for the next two days. By societal standards this was NOT a big day. No one looking in from the outside would consider this a significant day. But is this a big day? Yes. This day changes how I view my future. It changes how I view my husband. It changes how I view my faith. It changes how I view myself. This day changes everything.

My wonderful husband made the choice to be baptized into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Saturday, my husband was baptized by Elder Empey, a missionary who has been out in the field only 5 short weeks. I remember when they announced in church we were getting a missionary straight out of the MTC and I got the strongest feeling that there was a reason we were getting this new missionary.  Then when I met him, I knew why.  Chris told me after the first time Elder Empey was at our house that you could definitely tell the missionaries who wanted to be out, from the missionaries who felt like they "had" to.  Elder Empey is what I would consider a true to form missionary, who will always hold a special place in my heart.

At Chris's baptism, a member of the bishopric spoke, and he explained how this was a huge step in his life, but the world would not see it that way. That's how I feel right now. I feel as if my world has been turned upside down, but the world around us keeps on moving forward. 

I was thinking about my life I thought Chris and I were going to have, and now I have to rethink our whole future. Now, instead of having my brother bless my babies, my husband will be able to. Instead of having Uncle Chad come baptize my children, my husband will be able to. Instead of prolonging my visit to the temple, my husband now will take me. Instead of going to church alone, my husband will be sitting next to me.  Instead of asking a home teacher for a blessing, my husband will. Instead of holding family prayer alone, my husband will help me. Instead of raising my children alone in the gospel, my husband will help me. 

It's crazy how one small, seemingly insignificant, event can change your life forever. But this event has; my life is forever changed.

Time

Time is a funny thing, isn't it?

I was reading through several of my old posts and i kept thinking, it really wasn't that bad, was it? Did I really feel that horrible? Was I really that far gone? Was that really only 6 months ago?

But looking back, I know that it was that bad, it almost had to be worse than I shared here.

But looking back, at the same time, I wouldn't change anything. I am a strong believer in "things happen for a reason" and "God works in mysterious ways" and a strong believer in answered prayers.

I remember being so very upset at the loss of our first child, but now, I see it as a blessing.  This was the turning point.  This is when I saw a change in my husband, and this is ultimately saw the change in myself, especially now as I look back.

I know I've mentioned it before, but I always said I never wanted to push the church on Chris. I never wanted Chris to learn about the gospel because of my wants, but because of his.

After the roller coaster of our miscarriage, Chris told me on his next weekend off, he would go to church with me. I didn't have much faith in him following through and wasn't sure why he suddenly wanted to come to church with me so I didn't get my hopes up.

Recently, I asked Chris why, not unusual for me, but I really, earnestly wanted to know why he started coming to church with me. He just shrugged and said because, not unusual for him.

But the next weekend off, Chris got ready for church and we went to church together. 

It seems at this point like the rest is history, and I guess it kind of is.

After we got back from California, Chris decided he wanted to start coming to all three meetings, instead of just two (our ward is backwards and does relief society/priesthood first, then Sunday school, then sacrament meeting, and we were just going to Sunday school and sacrament.)

Within two weeks, we had the missionaries over for dinner, and they taught a lesson on prayer, and Chris agreed to have them come and teach him. So for the last four weeks, the missionaries have been coming and teaching lessons and sharing personal testimony to me and my husband. Again, time is such a funny thing, it feels like we've been having the missionaries over a lot longer than this, but alas, I checked my calendar, and 4 weeks is all it's been. 

I have loved watching my husband grow. I have loved reading scriptures together and saying prayers together.  I love hearing my husband answer the missionary questions I didn't think he knew. I have loved every minute of this adventure, as hard as it may have been at times.

I asked Chris, that if I had asked him when we were dating to come to church with me if he would have, and he told me no. I don't know why I was surprised by this answer, but I was.  I think Chris needed time, I think he needed for me to miscarry for him to reevaluate his life and what he wanted out of this life.

I should mention at this time, I too needed to miscarry. I needed to be humbled. I needed to change my less-active status in the church to active.  My family was undergoing some difficult times when Chris and I got engaged, and I struggled with the broken covenants that were occurring. I let it affect my life and take hold of my faith, weakening it, and I became lost in a world that I felt was in turmoil.

On Friday, Valentine's Day, a day I normally am disgusted with and want nothing to do with, my husband set a date for baptism. He explained how he felt this was what he needed to do in his life. I wish I could express in words the feeling in my little living room that evening with the missionaries, but I can't. There are no words. What an amazing feeling, changing forever how I will now view this day. Valentine's Day now holds a very special place in my heart, a day in which true love was expressed in my home in the rawest, truest form imaginable.

Chris and I have had many conversations and discussions about what this means for him, for us. And I have made it clear from day 1, that it needs to be about him, it needs to be for reasons that have nothing to do with me, and it is. His testimony is so simple and strong it could break your legs. 

After the missionaries left on Friday, I hugged my husband and told him, "I'm happy you're getting baptized." 

He replied, "why?" (This is known as payback, for those of you who may not know, those words leave my mouth 1000s of times a day)

As I sat there, I thought of 100 reasons why I'm happy, 99 of them selfish, I told him the 1 reason that is the only reason that matters, "because it's true." And I held him even closer.

 I've been thinking a lot lately about how many times I have stumbled and fallen and taken "time-outs" from the church, but every time I have been in these lowly states of life, I keep coming back to the church. Why would I keep coming back unless it was true? I wouldn't. It is true. I know it is.

A Simple Prayer

Chris has been coming to church with me on his weekends off (he only has every other weekend) and it has been so nice not to go alone. We always joked that he was a better Mormon than me anyway, so now he's learning that he really kind of is.

Last night we had the missionaries over for dinner, and we had a lesson on prayer. We went over the essentials and the steps of prayer and wrote down things we could pray about in our lives currently. Last night was the first time Chris had ever heard me utter a prayer, and I felt really bad because I have not been a very good example to him. 

We were challenged to start having nightly prayers together, and to pray for things we need as a couple. And last night before bed, I heard Chris's first spoken prayer. It was so simple and sweet. My heart was full. I love him so much and coming closer to our Heavenly Father together is the best adventure yet.

Once Upon A Time & Happily Ever After

When Christopher and I drove to California and back for the holidays, we had a lot of time to talk (close to 50 hours of driving in the car total.) 

In our many conversations that took place one comment took me by surprise:

"You don't like the idea of being married."

When Chris said this to me, he didn't say it with malice or hatred, but with understanding. I know that it must be difficult for him to be married to someone that doesn't enjoy it. 

I was not offended, but merely caught off guard. 

But he's right. I don't like the idea of marriage.

When I was growing up, I always envisioned my life with children, but never with a man by my side. And I always thought I was different because of my beliefs and where I lived, but when I went to university and was surrounded by people who had the same beliefs, I realized I was still different.

Most people LOVE the idea of marriage, but then once they become married, the reality is a lot harder than the idea, and then they hate everything about marriage, including the idea of it. Now I know I'm making a generalized statement and this isn't the case for everyone.

But for me, I really don't like the idea of marriage.  

Now, don't get me wrong, I LOVE Chris, and I would never ever want to be without him. In fact, for as much as I don't like the idea of marriage, I like the idea of living without Chris even less; he really is my everything. 

And to be honest, being married to Christopher really isn't all that bad, in fact, I may actually LIKE the idea of being married to him :)

Resolutions and Ramblings

If most of you knew how my year was, you would understand why I was so happy to say goodbye to this past year. Most of you know bits and pieces, but to sum it up: the entire year sucked. Seriously. Good riddance!

I am more than happy to bring 2014, for so many reasons.  I am sure it is going to be a better year. Plus 14 is my lucky number, a really good number, so I'm trying really hard to be optimistic that this year will be grand!

Chris and I sat down on New Year's Eve and wrote out a list of resolutions, personal and together.

I asked Chris to give me three to five attributes he wanted me to work on. With how horrible my year was, I let myself fall into a place I'm not proud to be in, and I really want to work on making him happy, because by making Chris happy, I will in turn be happy because I am making the man I love happy. (There's a lot of happy happening.) 

My list (in no particular order):

Try new things

Forgive myself and others

Show Chris I love him

Be appreciative of what I have

Stop questioning Chris's love for me

Stop questioning our marriage

Have more confidence in myself

Be more willing to help (esp Chris w/ chores, animals, etc.)

Read my scriptures every day

Stop making excuses

Stop drinking soda (i.e. Dr. Pepper)

Drink at least 4 glasses of water every day

Write on my blog at least once a week

I dare you to guess which ones Chris came up with.

I am actually really happy with this list, and I feel it is very doable.

For US in 2014:

Strengthen our marriage/relationship

Trust each other more

Lose 60 lbs. ( this was actually listed separately for each of us, but I figure this was a little better, because then you won't know what we each are wanting to lose, but yes, we both have weight we are wanting to shed)

Pay off all credit cards

Eat at the kitchen table (we do, but we also eat on the couch a lot too.  We want to get to a point where we only sit at the table, so when we eventually have babies, it will already be a habit)

Pay off one student loan

Go camping at least once

Tear down old house

Plant trees for windbreak

Clean up yard

Plant flowers in front

Expand garden

Finish removing "jungle"

Finish chicken coop

Clean up property

Fence for dogs

Declutter

Stop eating out (i.e. Fast food)

Go 100% gluten free

Make shoe rack

Make memory table for Grandpa Wagoner's things we received

Make night stands

Make shelving

And because this is not Chris's space, I will protect his privacy and not post his list on here for everyone and their mother to read, but just know he also asked what things I would like for him to work on for him to be a better husband, and then he also added a few other items he wants to work on.

I have resolved to making a plan for our goals, because it's one thing to write them down, it's another to actually attain them, so a plan is the best way to ensure the best results.  The first part of my plan is to type/print up our resolutions and put them in a place where we will see them and be reminded of them every day.  We have created a plan for losing weight, and we are just helping each other as we go.  We realize these things aren't going to happen overnight, and that's okay. We will work on one or two at a time until they become a habit, and then start on another.  

Also, I realize our "us" resolutions sound more like a to-do list, and in a way it is, but that's okay. We are still going to be doing those things together, and by doing those things together, we will be working on the most important resolution we set for us, which is strengthening our marriage and relationship with one another.

So while I'm sure none of you care about what I resolve to do in 2014, it's a place for me to record my thoughts, to record my feelings, and to hold myself accountable.  Also, this counts as a post for this week.