Hard

I have had a hard time going to church lately.

I’m no saint when it comes to being perfect and eagerly waiting for Sunday to roll around so I can go to church, but I have never dreaded it this much.

Come Sunday, I find it hard to get motivated to get out of bed and get ready for church.

Yesterday I waited until the last possible minute to get in the shower, making it almost impossible to make it to church on time.

I know part of it has a little something to do with my previous post, but there’s got to be more than just that.

I know I go to church for me.  I go to better myself, to educate myself and to become a better disciple of Christ.  However, I have had such a difficult time since being here in the Yuma Branch.

I think most of it is there is absolutely no one there for me.  The few women who are close to my age have young children.  The three other women in Relief Society (that’s right only four of us typically in Relief Society) are all so much older than me.  One has great-grandchildren my age (I’m pretty sure) and the other two have children close to my age.  Also, when I try talking with them, it’s like they’re only being polite enough until they can find an opening in the conversation to make a mad dash away from me.

The only person who is friendly and greets me so every week is the first counselor.  I adore him, and he has been such a great help to me, but he is my mom’s age, divorced (twice) and doesn’t have much to say to me.

I have had such a difficult time wanting to go to church.  I wish I didn’t feel this way, but I would rather stay home and clean house than go to church.  I even have been going to Kale’s more frequently so I have an excuse to NOT be at church on Sunday (because if you recall, I work with my Branch President, so my whereabouts are ALWAYS asked about). 

I really wish it wasn’t this hard.  Chris even asks me about church, and encourages me to go, which makes it even worse.  I know I need to keep going to be a good example to him, but I just don’t want to.

I don’t enjoy going, and I often feel almost like I wasted three hours just being there.

I have seriously NEVER felt like it was such a feat, emotionally, physically, mentally, just to get myself ready in the morning to make it to church.

It has become so hard.

Bugged

I had a conversation with my colleague/ Branch President recently that got under my skin.  It has been difficult working side by side with my branch president, because I don’t respect him on the professional level, so trying to set that aside on Sunday is sometimes very difficult.  Often, throughout the week, when I am trying to have conversations about curriculum or lesson plans, he won’t answer and he won’t stay focused unless he’s under pressure from Admin to get something done.  Like I said, frustrating. 

Anywho, beside the point.

We were going over a benchmark test (something that I’m still trying to wrap my head around) and Chris and I were texting intermittently because my colleague takes FOREVER to decide on an answer.  My colleague said it was really rude for me to be texting when I should be focused on the test.  I wanted to tell him off a little bit right there (for so many reasons), but I didn’t.  Then, he asked me if Chris and I were getting married.  Well, for starters, that’s none of his business.  I told him I didn’t know, maybe.  That was my answer: maybe.  Then my colleague answers: “Tiffany, marry someone who can take you to the temple.  That’s what I think.  Chris can never do that.”

I really wanted to tell him off then.  But I didn’t.

This is why it annoys me: My colleague has only met Chris once.  He has NEVER sat down and talked to Chris.  Chris is a great guy.  He has high standards and treats me the way I deserve.  He loves me unconditionally and would do anything for me.  The thing about Chris is that he is better than the majority of LDS boys I have been around for the past five years or so.  I wanted to turn to my colleague and tell him all these things, and tell him the only reason Chris couldn’t take me to the temple tomorrow is because he is not baptized.  THAT and that alone is the only reason Chris wouldn’t be able to take me to the temple tomorrow.

My colleague has NEVER even tried to get to know Chris.  Has he talked to Chris about the gospel?  NO.  The reason I was so offended at his comment, was because of the narrow-mindedness of his comment.  He immediately wrote Chris off the minute he found out that Chris wasn’t Mormon.  I hate that.  I HATE that.  It really frustrates me that someone could be so narrow minded when, as disciples of Christ, we are supposed to set examples of love and friendship.  We are supposed to help those who are ready to hear the gospel, not cast them aside, because they weren’t raised in the gospel.  I know I’m not the best example, and at times I’m probably a bit of a hypocrite in saying all this, but it really rubbed me the wrong way, especially coming from a Branch President. 

I know who I am and I know what I’m doing.  That alone should be enough.