Changed

This post is not to air dirty laundry, but to just express the deep sadness that I have experienced at the loss of my mom.

Yesterday I posted on Facebook that I miss my mom, not the stranger she has now become. This was followed by several questions, because many did not understand what I was talking about. So I thought I would clarify here, on the one place that has always been mine, no matter where I've gone, this has been MY place.

Most people who know the circumstance, just think I'm upset because my mom divorced my dad and got remarried. This is not true. I am upset at the person she has decided to become.

My mom and I have had our problems in our lives, don't get me wrong, but I have never felt like she is a stranger to me, like I do now. My mom has ALWAYS been there for me, no matter what has happened in our lives, she has ALWAYS been willing to do what it takes for her children. This is no longer true. I can't even call and talk to her on the phone anymore, because she doesn't listen, if I try to express something I'm going through, or when I try talking to her, she doesn't even respond unless its about her or Leroy. And Leroy is ALWAYS the only thing she can talk to me about, and honestly, I want to talk to my mom about something, ANYTHING, other than Leroy.

I was really hurt when Chris and I were engaged and planning our wedding. I wanted her to come dress shopping with me, to help me plan, and she didn't. She and Leroy eloped on the day that I went dress shopping, and was too self absorbed to hear me when I asked for her help (I did ask her, but she continually denies it, and lets be honest, after being blown off enough times, you learn to quit asking.) even asking her to help Kimmie with my bridal shower was frustrating, because the day wasn't going to be about her or Leroy and what was worse? After my bridal shower (which was on my birthday) she LEFT me at home after telling me we had all these plans together.

My whole wedding in and of itself became drama filled, and all I heard from her day after day was Leroy didn't want to go, Leroy will go to California but not to the wedding, Leroy will go to California as long as they "do other stuff", coming to California is too expensive (because of everything they wanted to pack into the week, not the actual coming to the wedding), she didn't have anything to wear, etc. etc. etc. I just wanted my mom to be there for me, and it felt like I was asking too much of her, almost to the point where I didn't even want her there. Your wedding is supposed to be the most exciting times in your life, and to be told you're being selfish for being excited about it, by the person who should be JUST as excited as you, is heartbreaking.

I think it hurt the most when Chris was in the hospital and the time after he was discharged. That was a difficult time for me. And I remember crying on the phone BEGGING her to come because I couldn't take it. I needed her and she told me she couldn't come help because she had to make Thanksgiving Dinner for Leroy's parents, and she needed to ask Leroy for permission and he probably wouldn't let her.

These are the MAJOR hurts that really make me miss my mom. There are so many minor hurts that add up too. My mom used to make her grandchildren a priority. She would make sure to come visit them at LEAST once a month, and this year (since my wedding) she has only seen them twice, once in October and once in March. And she treats them differently now than she used to, like her patience and tolerance for things that she used to love about them. She got rid of her dogs that she had for 10 years, that used to be her babies, because Leroy didn't like them, but he could keep his dog.

And it's not just those things, it's how she lets him talk to her. She makes excuses for him though. All I have to say is, if Chris said half of the things to me that Leroy says to my mom, he would be out in the cold, because I wouldn't put up with it, which is how my mom raised me (I think that's what we call irony.) Example: my mom crashed her car on Christmas Eve. She called Leroy multiple times before he answered. When he finally did, he came down, looked at her car, and basically screamed at her for driving too fast on the icy roads, and told her that he was leaving and she could walk home or have the patrolman drive her home when he got there. He left her in a snow storm on Christmas Eve and yelled at her for sliding on the ice.

This is just ONE of many horrible things he has done to her, but the list goes on and on and on.

She's just not the person who raised me, and it's REALLY hard sometimes, because I just want a mom, and I don't feel like I have one anymore.

Unexpected

A year ago (minus a few days) my honey proposed to me.  He expressed his love to me, told me how he had never been as happy as I made him and he promised me love and adventure.

 

This picture was the first picture Chris and I ever took together back in February 2012. I look at this picture and smile. I knew Chris was perfect for me then, and I still know.

I love how in love I was with Chris back then, and how much my love has grown for him.  I am SO in love with this man.  He saved my life.

 

I know that his family probably thinks Chris could do a lot better than me, that Chris could have gotten someone better matched to his personality. And I would agree with them, Chris absolutely can do better than me, and probably deserves better, but for me, Chris is perfect.  He is the best thing that has ever happened to me. He changed my perspective on life and marriage and family.  He gave me hope. He made me want to do more, see more, be more.

 

Our love was unexpected, but meant to be.  Everything fell into place for both of us to move to the speck of dust town of Yuma, Colorado.  Moving there, neither of us expected to find someone or fall in love. Moving there was supposed to be temporary.

 

I know that I talk about Chris a lot on this blog, but he is my life.  I think about him ALL the time.  I think about him driving to work.  I think about him at work. I think about him driving home from work.  I can't wait to go home just so I can see him.

 

 I love that he makes sure to kiss me before he leaves for work in the morning.  I love that he kisses me when he gets home from work. I love that he texts me in the morning to wake me up and to tell me that he loves me.   I love that he tells me I'm beautiful every day.  I love that he tells me every day he is lucky to have me in life. I love that he teaches me.  I love how PATIENT he is, especially with me. I love how passionate he is. I love how hard he works.  I love how much he endures. I love watching him with Tobin and Namara.

 

I know that I am honestly the luckiest girl in the world to have Chris in my life. He loves me unconditionally. Chris is my gentle giant that has the most tender heart I have ever met.  Some people questioned my decision. I never have.  As hard as some things have gotten, I have never questioned my love for Chris.  Sometimes I wonder if I'm living in a dream.  I wonder if this is actually my life. How is it that I could be so lucky.

 

And then I look at my honey, and none of it matters, because he is mine forever and I have no reason to question that.

Live the life you imagined…

I’ve been thinking about that quote a lot, especially this past week when I had a week off and was home with more than enough time to myself.

The life I imagined, is not the life I’m living:

I never imagined living 45 minutes away from the closest town and Walmart. I never imagined having 42 chickens being raised in my living room for their first few weeks of life. I never imagined living away from the mountains.  I never imagined having over 50 cows less than 20 yards from my front door. I never imagined making a life with someone.  I never imagined I would teach middle school.  I never imagined I would be up at 5:00 every morning to bottle feed baby calves.  I never imagined I would own my own horse, or go riding my own horse to help round up cows. I never imagined I would be a home-owner before I was 30, and with that home be re-doing the WHOLE thing.  I never imagined I would want to start a family.  I never imagined I would own 4 dogs at the SAME time (2 border collies, 2 toy poodle mixes).

All of the above are currently my life.  None of them are what I imagined.  Sometimes all of the above are really hard for me.  Sometimes I lay in bed crying because I am so overwhelmed with our lives and with what is going to be happening, and what is currently happening.  Sometimes I feel like it is too much for me to handle, because it is NOT what I imagined.

Then there are nights like tonight.  My honey brought home Chinese food.  It is the one and ONLY thing I really miss about Yuma.  It has the BEST Chinese I have ever had, and it is a LOT of food, for a very reasonable price.  (Seriously though, the BEST Chinese, my brother took us to a Chinese restaurant in Colorado Springs that he claimed was “the best” and it paled in comparison)

Looking at my beautiful Easter flowers, and eating my yummy Chinese food, I realized I may not be living the life I imagined, but I am living a pretty darn good life.

I have an amazing husband who would do almost anything to make me happy, I have a roof over my head that I OWN and can make my own however I decide to do so.  I have a job in the field I studied in, we are on our way to being self sufficient as we prep our garden and have all our chickens (30 broiler {meat} chickens and 12 hens). 

I may not quite be living the life I imagined, but I love the life I’m living and …

… I really am Living Happily Ever After.