Changed

This post is not to air dirty laundry, but to just express the deep sadness that I have experienced at the loss of my mom.

Yesterday I posted on Facebook that I miss my mom, not the stranger she has now become. This was followed by several questions, because many did not understand what I was talking about. So I thought I would clarify here, on the one place that has always been mine, no matter where I've gone, this has been MY place.

Most people who know the circumstance, just think I'm upset because my mom divorced my dad and got remarried. This is not true. I am upset at the person she has decided to become.

My mom and I have had our problems in our lives, don't get me wrong, but I have never felt like she is a stranger to me, like I do now. My mom has ALWAYS been there for me, no matter what has happened in our lives, she has ALWAYS been willing to do what it takes for her children. This is no longer true. I can't even call and talk to her on the phone anymore, because she doesn't listen, if I try to express something I'm going through, or when I try talking to her, she doesn't even respond unless its about her or Leroy. And Leroy is ALWAYS the only thing she can talk to me about, and honestly, I want to talk to my mom about something, ANYTHING, other than Leroy.

I was really hurt when Chris and I were engaged and planning our wedding. I wanted her to come dress shopping with me, to help me plan, and she didn't. She and Leroy eloped on the day that I went dress shopping, and was too self absorbed to hear me when I asked for her help (I did ask her, but she continually denies it, and lets be honest, after being blown off enough times, you learn to quit asking.) even asking her to help Kimmie with my bridal shower was frustrating, because the day wasn't going to be about her or Leroy and what was worse? After my bridal shower (which was on my birthday) she LEFT me at home after telling me we had all these plans together.

My whole wedding in and of itself became drama filled, and all I heard from her day after day was Leroy didn't want to go, Leroy will go to California but not to the wedding, Leroy will go to California as long as they "do other stuff", coming to California is too expensive (because of everything they wanted to pack into the week, not the actual coming to the wedding), she didn't have anything to wear, etc. etc. etc. I just wanted my mom to be there for me, and it felt like I was asking too much of her, almost to the point where I didn't even want her there. Your wedding is supposed to be the most exciting times in your life, and to be told you're being selfish for being excited about it, by the person who should be JUST as excited as you, is heartbreaking.

I think it hurt the most when Chris was in the hospital and the time after he was discharged. That was a difficult time for me. And I remember crying on the phone BEGGING her to come because I couldn't take it. I needed her and she told me she couldn't come help because she had to make Thanksgiving Dinner for Leroy's parents, and she needed to ask Leroy for permission and he probably wouldn't let her.

These are the MAJOR hurts that really make me miss my mom. There are so many minor hurts that add up too. My mom used to make her grandchildren a priority. She would make sure to come visit them at LEAST once a month, and this year (since my wedding) she has only seen them twice, once in October and once in March. And she treats them differently now than she used to, like her patience and tolerance for things that she used to love about them. She got rid of her dogs that she had for 10 years, that used to be her babies, because Leroy didn't like them, but he could keep his dog.

And it's not just those things, it's how she lets him talk to her. She makes excuses for him though. All I have to say is, if Chris said half of the things to me that Leroy says to my mom, he would be out in the cold, because I wouldn't put up with it, which is how my mom raised me (I think that's what we call irony.) Example: my mom crashed her car on Christmas Eve. She called Leroy multiple times before he answered. When he finally did, he came down, looked at her car, and basically screamed at her for driving too fast on the icy roads, and told her that he was leaving and she could walk home or have the patrolman drive her home when he got there. He left her in a snow storm on Christmas Eve and yelled at her for sliding on the ice.

This is just ONE of many horrible things he has done to her, but the list goes on and on and on.

She's just not the person who raised me, and it's REALLY hard sometimes, because I just want a mom, and I don't feel like I have one anymore.