Disappointment

I try to avoid disappointment at all costs.  As I grew up, I was constantly disappointed.  I was disappointed in myself, in my life, in my family members, in monetary objects.  I grew accustomed to disappointment as if it were an appendage that grew on my neck and I left it there.

It was after I went through my teenage years and got into college that I realized I really HATED being disappointed.  I was tired of the tears and heartache.  I would long for something and it would never happen.  I would look enviously at my friends and want what they had, be what they were, only to be disappointed.

So I decided to cut off the appendage that I let grow on my neck and I made a grand plan: never be excited for anything.  Never look forward to anything.  If I never got excited for something, then I was never disappointed if it didn’t happen.  I lived this life for quite some time.  I still kind of do.

But today, I saw this photo:

and probably because of the mood I’m in, I realized I cannot live my life in fear of disappointment.  Yes, disappointment sucks.  It does indeed.  But I can’t avoid it.  It will inevitably get me, and it will be when I least expect it to strike.

I remember when I was in New Zealand.  Amy had arranged with her Auntie for me to go up in her Auntie’s hot air balloon.  I was thrilled at the opportunity, but then I looked at the weather report.  It was to rain on the day of our departure.  So I acted like it was no big deal if I went or not.  I told myself I actually really didn’t want to go in the Balloon.  The night before departure it was pouring rain.  Like cats, dogs, horses, zebras, elephants, you get the idea.  I had accepted that I wasn’t going to go, and I was okay with that, because I anticipated the worst.  Well, as most of you know, the weather cleared and I was able to go, and it was one of the best days of my life.

In my recent life, I haven’t wanted to be disappointed.  I don’t want to open myself up to anyone or let anyone else into my life, romantically or otherwise, because of the possible disappointment I could face.  I realized, especially after examining the above photo, that this notion is stupid.  I can’t punish people I don’t know for what others have done to me in the past.  True, I have been hurt, and true and I have been disappointed because of what people I have trusted have done, but that doesn’t mean that I can hold that against people who I just met, or who I am yet to meet.  It’s unfair to hold these people to the expectations set so low by others.

As I sat and stared at the above photo, I realized that life holds disappointment, that’s part of life.  But I can’t let that keep me from enjoying life; embracing life.  I feel that in the past two years, I have made leaps and bounds of success of becoming a better person, and bettering my life and have made a commitment to not be the person I once was, that I let myself become.  But I realized today that I still hold on to a little piece of that person, and I need to let her go: 

She’s holding me back.