A Moment

A really bad moment actually.

A "I want my mommy!" moment for Tiffany.

So let me vent for a few minutes. If you don't want to read, that's okay. Come back tomorrow, and it'll be just fine.

Today has been a bad day, and all I want right now is to curl up in my bed, cry, and call my mom while eating Mike and Ikes and drinking Dr. Pepper. But I can't. I can't call my mom, I can't get Mike and Ikes or Dr. Pepper. But I can cry. And I have. Not outrageous bawling or wailing, but tears. Lots and lots of tears.

I'm not doing this for a "pity me" moment, I'm just expressing what I'm feeling.

I love New Zealand, I love the school, I love who I'm staying with.

I think this stems from me. I feel inadequate. I feel inadequate to teach. I was observed by my advisor, and she didn't give me any positive feedback. None.

I haven't been teaching in that classroom. I never have gotten in front of these students and given a lesson. I've never taught a lesson in ESL before. This was my first time ever getting in front of students, and I didn't think it went horribly, but I know it wasn't the best.

And so the first time I was to teach these students, my USU advisor came and watched. And I watched as she furiously scribbled across my evaluation. I listened as she detailed everything I was doing wrong. I cried after she left the room.

I've always had confidence that this is what I'm good at, that I can teach, and I can do it well. But now, now I'm not so sure.

I know this is an isolated incident. I know that I am capable, but today, I just don't feel capable. I don't want to go back tomorrow. I don't want to interact with students any more. I don't want to try to plaster a smile on my face and pretend that everything is going to be ok.

Like I said, by tomorrow, I'll be fine. I will be having another adventure and I will be smiling, but right now, right now I'm sad.