I’m in Colorado Springs, staying with Kale and the kiddos. I usually enjoy seeing my kiddos, but Man Alive! ever since their mom came back (she left and then came back after almost 2 years, not really in the mood for the details, so if you don’t already know the deats of that situation, sorry!) Tobin has gotten in the habit of saying “I hate you” or “I don’t love you anymore” when he doesn’t get his way. In turn, I simply respond with “I Love you!” and he hates it, but I think it’s good. I’m not giving in to him, and I’m reinforcing that my love is unconditional, no matter what happens.
So I’m just hanging out at Kale’s house. I had Kale take the kids to their mom today, because I needed a break after 4 days straight of them. I love them, but for my sanity sake and stress that I’m already feeling, I figured it would be better to have little to no human interaction today.
{Wow, that was more than I wanted to write about that, but alas}
I was feeling kind of chunkers the past few days, so I thought I would go for a hike in Garden of the Gods or Pike’s Peak since I’m here. However this lovely:
thwarted my plans. This fire is growing in three different directions, 11,000 people have been evacuated and it’s right on the edge of town, so they shut down GoG and access to Pike’s Peak from Colo Springs. They still have zero percent containment, and it’s kind of strange thinking this fire is literally maybe 20-30 minutes from where we are. (Thankfully Kale lives on the South side of town, so we will most likely be out of harms way, because if it does get to Kale’s house that would mean the entire city of Colorado Springs would be GONE, literally.)
So with the fire, I’m not going to be heading out to the mountain today, so I thought about maybe a run. Then I looked at the weather, and all this week the Springs is expected to reach record highs {triple digits!!!!} and I also realized I didn’t bring a sports bra with me (actually, I didn’t bring a lot of things with me because I left Yuma in such a hurry, that I’m surprised I actually have clean underwear, seriously…. more on why I left so quickly another time.)
Anyway, still feeling a bit chubbers, but not quite as bad as I was, not really sure about why it is certain days I feel fatter than others. So because I was feeling chubbers, I hopped onto Pinterest to pin weight loss inspiration, and from there, I got onto a blog that kind of made me think about my own body and body issues and my relationship with my Christopher. Which then made me want to write a post about my relationship with Chris and my body/issues that I have. Which made me miss him even more than I already have been. It’s only been a week since I left Yuma and I want to cry because I miss him so much! I have NEVER felt this way before and I kind of hate it! I have always been so independent and self-sufficient that leaving friends/boyfriends for any amount of time was never hard on me (kind of a self-defense mechanism really, which is so much deeper that it requires it’s own post on another day.)
I was going to do a diet I did last summer where I lost 40ish pounds and looked fantastic, but between the stress and everything else going on in my life, my diet isn’t working, in fact I just gained like 8 lbs when I was eating less. So I kind of threw it out the window because it made me kind of depressed which is why I wanted to write a post about my relationship with Chris and my body issues.
This is a picture I took right before I went on my first date with Christopher. {If you recall we went out on a blind date} I was at my thinnest here, after my diet last summer. This is how Christopher met me.
This is the first picture Chris and I took together. I had gained a little bit of weight by this time in our relationship, not tons, but a little.
This was the week Chris and I went to Moab, and the week he proposed. I had gained probably 15-20 lbs from the first time he met me.
From our engagement session. I actually cropped this picture up, because this was one that originally had Fly in it, and was a full-body picture, but I looked so fat that I couldn’t stand it. So I cropped out Fly to much of Chris’s dismay, but I like our faces without my fat belly hanging out the middle.
Now, I can’t fit into very many of my clothes. I bought almost an entire new wardrobe when I lost all my weight, and now I’m kind of fatty again, but lack the funds to buy clothes, but I don’t like wearing clothes too small/tight because I don’t think anyone else wants to see my ick either. So I’ve been wearing my workout clothes (because I buy them big) and sweats, and if I can get away with it, pajamas. (I can only do the last one if I stay in the house all day, which sometimes I do.)
The reason I type all of this up is two-fold. One to maybe just solidify that I was thinner, and I can be thinner again, I just need to work at it. The second is because of my Christopher. He’s amazing that one. He met me at my skinniest I had ever been in my life. Seriously. And I’ve gained weight since then. He has never once commented on it, and always tells me he loves me. When I mention I need to lose weight/ I’m a fatty McFatson, he wraps his arms around me and tells me he loves me just the way I am. And I believe him, because it’s true. Chris loves me no matter what. He would do anything for me, and loves me UN-CON-DITIO-NALLY. Seriously.
Now I’m not saying that because I have the love of this fantastic man in my life I’m just going to let myself go. Not at all, maybe the opposite in fact. I’m not just going to give up, but I’m not going to make my weight my whole life either, because I’ve done that before, for a large portion of my life (again, a whole ‘nother post.) But I know that Chris will support me and love me through all of my body issues I may have in my life. He really will, which is why he’s so great.
So maybe, I’ll walk to Taco Bell now, because it’s kind of my guilty pleasure, and I’ll be walking which right there is something. You gotta start somewhere, right? And it doesn’t have to be the mountain.
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