Choosing your Family

When I was a senior in high school, I met my uncle chad. He and his wife had moved from Utah to work on the new hospital, and to be honest, I thought they were both weird as heck. Then uncle chad was called to serve in the young mens, and destiny set in.

Through his calling, we got to know each other just by talking, and in reality he took me under his wing and I felt as if I had someone who cared about my well-being.

He became the person I confided in, and the person who I trusted to cry with. He became my uncle chad when our relationship was questioned by others. People would see us talking and hugging and people thought something inappropriate was going on. He was warned to be careful around me, and in fact, told to stop interacting with me, but he ignored them, and "uncle chad" was born. 

When I talk about him I always say uncle chad, and no one questions. Sometimes I feel as if I have to explain that he's not really my uncle, but other times I don't.  I explain my surrogate father: he gave me my first blessing, has the best hugs, listens without judgement, counsels without malice. He became someone who I could trust and love knowing I would never be hurt.

I inherited an amazing family along with uncle chad: I inherited aunt christy, and cousins: Cody, Zach, and Nathaniel.

When I was leaving for college, he and his family were moving back to Utah, fairly close to where I would be attending. I was able to go and visit as I needed, and it was a good escape from the stressors of my life that were happening at the time.

                                       

He drove all the way to CA from UT to celebrate our wedding, without ever meeting Chris.

When Chris chose to get baptized, Uncle Chad drove all the way to CO to support him in his decision.  I wish we would have gotten a photo with everyone, but there was so much going on, we didn't even think about it.

On this last visit we were able to sit and talk about all the different happenings going on in each of our lives. He said that family is important, and he will always be there for me.

This comment has resonated with me, ever since: family. He is family. They are family.

Happy Day!

I posted this picture on Saturday on Facebook, with the caption "Happy Day!":

One of the comments read:

 "What happened?!?! Is this a big day?"

I stared at this comment for close to 20 minutes and pondered it for the next two days. By societal standards this was NOT a big day. No one looking in from the outside would consider this a significant day. But is this a big day? Yes. This day changes how I view my future. It changes how I view my husband. It changes how I view my faith. It changes how I view myself. This day changes everything.

My wonderful husband made the choice to be baptized into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Saturday, my husband was baptized by Elder Empey, a missionary who has been out in the field only 5 short weeks. I remember when they announced in church we were getting a missionary straight out of the MTC and I got the strongest feeling that there was a reason we were getting this new missionary.  Then when I met him, I knew why.  Chris told me after the first time Elder Empey was at our house that you could definitely tell the missionaries who wanted to be out, from the missionaries who felt like they "had" to.  Elder Empey is what I would consider a true to form missionary, who will always hold a special place in my heart.

At Chris's baptism, a member of the bishopric spoke, and he explained how this was a huge step in his life, but the world would not see it that way. That's how I feel right now. I feel as if my world has been turned upside down, but the world around us keeps on moving forward. 

I was thinking about my life I thought Chris and I were going to have, and now I have to rethink our whole future. Now, instead of having my brother bless my babies, my husband will be able to. Instead of having Uncle Chad come baptize my children, my husband will be able to. Instead of prolonging my visit to the temple, my husband now will take me. Instead of going to church alone, my husband will be sitting next to me.  Instead of asking a home teacher for a blessing, my husband will. Instead of holding family prayer alone, my husband will help me. Instead of raising my children alone in the gospel, my husband will help me. 

It's crazy how one small, seemingly insignificant, event can change your life forever. But this event has; my life is forever changed.

Time

Time is a funny thing, isn't it?

I was reading through several of my old posts and i kept thinking, it really wasn't that bad, was it? Did I really feel that horrible? Was I really that far gone? Was that really only 6 months ago?

But looking back, I know that it was that bad, it almost had to be worse than I shared here.

But looking back, at the same time, I wouldn't change anything. I am a strong believer in "things happen for a reason" and "God works in mysterious ways" and a strong believer in answered prayers.

I remember being so very upset at the loss of our first child, but now, I see it as a blessing.  This was the turning point.  This is when I saw a change in my husband, and this is ultimately saw the change in myself, especially now as I look back.

I know I've mentioned it before, but I always said I never wanted to push the church on Chris. I never wanted Chris to learn about the gospel because of my wants, but because of his.

After the roller coaster of our miscarriage, Chris told me on his next weekend off, he would go to church with me. I didn't have much faith in him following through and wasn't sure why he suddenly wanted to come to church with me so I didn't get my hopes up.

Recently, I asked Chris why, not unusual for me, but I really, earnestly wanted to know why he started coming to church with me. He just shrugged and said because, not unusual for him.

But the next weekend off, Chris got ready for church and we went to church together. 

It seems at this point like the rest is history, and I guess it kind of is.

After we got back from California, Chris decided he wanted to start coming to all three meetings, instead of just two (our ward is backwards and does relief society/priesthood first, then Sunday school, then sacrament meeting, and we were just going to Sunday school and sacrament.)

Within two weeks, we had the missionaries over for dinner, and they taught a lesson on prayer, and Chris agreed to have them come and teach him. So for the last four weeks, the missionaries have been coming and teaching lessons and sharing personal testimony to me and my husband. Again, time is such a funny thing, it feels like we've been having the missionaries over a lot longer than this, but alas, I checked my calendar, and 4 weeks is all it's been. 

I have loved watching my husband grow. I have loved reading scriptures together and saying prayers together.  I love hearing my husband answer the missionary questions I didn't think he knew. I have loved every minute of this adventure, as hard as it may have been at times.

I asked Chris, that if I had asked him when we were dating to come to church with me if he would have, and he told me no. I don't know why I was surprised by this answer, but I was.  I think Chris needed time, I think he needed for me to miscarry for him to reevaluate his life and what he wanted out of this life.

I should mention at this time, I too needed to miscarry. I needed to be humbled. I needed to change my less-active status in the church to active.  My family was undergoing some difficult times when Chris and I got engaged, and I struggled with the broken covenants that were occurring. I let it affect my life and take hold of my faith, weakening it, and I became lost in a world that I felt was in turmoil.

On Friday, Valentine's Day, a day I normally am disgusted with and want nothing to do with, my husband set a date for baptism. He explained how he felt this was what he needed to do in his life. I wish I could express in words the feeling in my little living room that evening with the missionaries, but I can't. There are no words. What an amazing feeling, changing forever how I will now view this day. Valentine's Day now holds a very special place in my heart, a day in which true love was expressed in my home in the rawest, truest form imaginable.

Chris and I have had many conversations and discussions about what this means for him, for us. And I have made it clear from day 1, that it needs to be about him, it needs to be for reasons that have nothing to do with me, and it is. His testimony is so simple and strong it could break your legs. 

After the missionaries left on Friday, I hugged my husband and told him, "I'm happy you're getting baptized." 

He replied, "why?" (This is known as payback, for those of you who may not know, those words leave my mouth 1000s of times a day)

As I sat there, I thought of 100 reasons why I'm happy, 99 of them selfish, I told him the 1 reason that is the only reason that matters, "because it's true." And I held him even closer.

 I've been thinking a lot lately about how many times I have stumbled and fallen and taken "time-outs" from the church, but every time I have been in these lowly states of life, I keep coming back to the church. Why would I keep coming back unless it was true? I wouldn't. It is true. I know it is.

A Simple Prayer

Chris has been coming to church with me on his weekends off (he only has every other weekend) and it has been so nice not to go alone. We always joked that he was a better Mormon than me anyway, so now he's learning that he really kind of is.

Last night we had the missionaries over for dinner, and we had a lesson on prayer. We went over the essentials and the steps of prayer and wrote down things we could pray about in our lives currently. Last night was the first time Chris had ever heard me utter a prayer, and I felt really bad because I have not been a very good example to him. 

We were challenged to start having nightly prayers together, and to pray for things we need as a couple. And last night before bed, I heard Chris's first spoken prayer. It was so simple and sweet. My heart was full. I love him so much and coming closer to our Heavenly Father together is the best adventure yet.

Once Upon A Time & Happily Ever After

When Christopher and I drove to California and back for the holidays, we had a lot of time to talk (close to 50 hours of driving in the car total.) 

In our many conversations that took place one comment took me by surprise:

"You don't like the idea of being married."

When Chris said this to me, he didn't say it with malice or hatred, but with understanding. I know that it must be difficult for him to be married to someone that doesn't enjoy it. 

I was not offended, but merely caught off guard. 

But he's right. I don't like the idea of marriage.

When I was growing up, I always envisioned my life with children, but never with a man by my side. And I always thought I was different because of my beliefs and where I lived, but when I went to university and was surrounded by people who had the same beliefs, I realized I was still different.

Most people LOVE the idea of marriage, but then once they become married, the reality is a lot harder than the idea, and then they hate everything about marriage, including the idea of it. Now I know I'm making a generalized statement and this isn't the case for everyone.

But for me, I really don't like the idea of marriage.  

Now, don't get me wrong, I LOVE Chris, and I would never ever want to be without him. In fact, for as much as I don't like the idea of marriage, I like the idea of living without Chris even less; he really is my everything. 

And to be honest, being married to Christopher really isn't all that bad, in fact, I may actually LIKE the idea of being married to him :)

Resolutions and Ramblings

If most of you knew how my year was, you would understand why I was so happy to say goodbye to this past year. Most of you know bits and pieces, but to sum it up: the entire year sucked. Seriously. Good riddance!

I am more than happy to bring 2014, for so many reasons.  I am sure it is going to be a better year. Plus 14 is my lucky number, a really good number, so I'm trying really hard to be optimistic that this year will be grand!

Chris and I sat down on New Year's Eve and wrote out a list of resolutions, personal and together.

I asked Chris to give me three to five attributes he wanted me to work on. With how horrible my year was, I let myself fall into a place I'm not proud to be in, and I really want to work on making him happy, because by making Chris happy, I will in turn be happy because I am making the man I love happy. (There's a lot of happy happening.) 

My list (in no particular order):

Try new things

Forgive myself and others

Show Chris I love him

Be appreciative of what I have

Stop questioning Chris's love for me

Stop questioning our marriage

Have more confidence in myself

Be more willing to help (esp Chris w/ chores, animals, etc.)

Read my scriptures every day

Stop making excuses

Stop drinking soda (i.e. Dr. Pepper)

Drink at least 4 glasses of water every day

Write on my blog at least once a week

I dare you to guess which ones Chris came up with.

I am actually really happy with this list, and I feel it is very doable.

For US in 2014:

Strengthen our marriage/relationship

Trust each other more

Lose 60 lbs. ( this was actually listed separately for each of us, but I figure this was a little better, because then you won't know what we each are wanting to lose, but yes, we both have weight we are wanting to shed)

Pay off all credit cards

Eat at the kitchen table (we do, but we also eat on the couch a lot too.  We want to get to a point where we only sit at the table, so when we eventually have babies, it will already be a habit)

Pay off one student loan

Go camping at least once

Tear down old house

Plant trees for windbreak

Clean up yard

Plant flowers in front

Expand garden

Finish removing "jungle"

Finish chicken coop

Clean up property

Fence for dogs

Declutter

Stop eating out (i.e. Fast food)

Go 100% gluten free

Make shoe rack

Make memory table for Grandpa Wagoner's things we received

Make night stands

Make shelving

And because this is not Chris's space, I will protect his privacy and not post his list on here for everyone and their mother to read, but just know he also asked what things I would like for him to work on for him to be a better husband, and then he also added a few other items he wants to work on.

I have resolved to making a plan for our goals, because it's one thing to write them down, it's another to actually attain them, so a plan is the best way to ensure the best results.  The first part of my plan is to type/print up our resolutions and put them in a place where we will see them and be reminded of them every day.  We have created a plan for losing weight, and we are just helping each other as we go.  We realize these things aren't going to happen overnight, and that's okay. We will work on one or two at a time until they become a habit, and then start on another.  

Also, I realize our "us" resolutions sound more like a to-do list, and in a way it is, but that's okay. We are still going to be doing those things together, and by doing those things together, we will be working on the most important resolution we set for us, which is strengthening our marriage and relationship with one another.

So while I'm sure none of you care about what I resolve to do in 2014, it's a place for me to record my thoughts, to record my feelings, and to hold myself accountable.  Also, this counts as a post for this week.

I retract my previous statement about my life.

There are some things in life that we don't understand.  There are some things in life we aren't meant to understand. This is where I am. I don't understand why, and I don't think I will ever understand.

So I wrote about my never ending nightmare, and how when I woke up the day after my procedure, I felt as though I had finally awoken from my nightmare. 

I have felt so much better since my surgery, that I thought things were finally going to slow down for us, and that we could return to our normal married selves.

Not so.

So many things make sense, and pieces finally fit together, but this nightmare has actually only begun.

I met with my doctor for my follow up appointment and received some shocking news.

I knew something was wrong, because I could see it in his eyes.  I really love (in the platonic sort of way, of course) my doctor.  He is very straightforward, and doesn't sugar coat anything, which I also love.  Plus an added bonus, he says whatever he wants and calls people dumb-asses, which makes everything better. But regardless, I knew something was wrong. So he proceeds to tell me about the procedure: things went well, but... 

The ever dreaded but. 

With how far along I was, I should not have had as much tissue as I did, and with the tissue, he saw something he had only ever learned about in school, but has never, ever had a patient that actually has/had what I have. (And he's been practicing gynecology for a while now.) 

My pregnancy was a rare abnormality.  It occurs in probably less that 5% of pregnant women.  I had what is called a molar pregnancy, where there where three sets of chromosomes instead of two (Chris had some strong swimmers, basically.) But that wasn't the rare abnormality. With molar pregnancies, there are only 1% who have the type of molar pregnancy I did, which can lead to cancer.  And what's worse, is this type of cancer masks itself as a pregnancy which means that some women may think they are pregnant again, but in reality their body has developed a cancer from the previous pregnancy.

What this means: I have to have routine blood work and tests bi-monthly to make sure my levels are where they should be. Also, I cannot get pregnant for at least a year, if not longer. 

What a shock to my system.  I have seriously had every emotion possible the last 5 months. From excitement, to disappointment, to fear, to frustration, to you name it, I probably have felt it.

I really thought this was going to be a routine follow-up visit. I was not prepared in the least for what I was told.  I was mentally prepared for the "when do you think you're going to start trying again" but not for the "you can't try again."

It really all makes sense, every last piece of this story.  The reason my body didn't dispel of the pregnancy on its own. The reason I felt infinitely better after the tissue was removed. The weird side effects of pregnancy that were not "normal" side effects to have. Everything kind of fits together and makes sense more than it did before. I mean it doesn't make sense in the "why this is happening to me" way, but the "that's why this was this" kind of way. 

I know I've mentioned this before, but I always think of the quote, "live the life you imagined" and I'm really starting to hate this quote.  It needs to be changed. 

The life I imagined: I would be married for 5 years at my age, probably have two kids, be a stay at home mom in the suburbs somewhere in Utah. Honestly, that is the life I imagined for myself. Not this. Of course, do people ever imagine themselves for hardship and bad news followed by more bad news?

It should say "live the life you never imagined" although that can also have a joyful, optimistic twist as well, and right now, I need a "memes" quote, that is snarky and as realistic as they come.

Or maybe instead of living my life vicariously through quotes about life, I actually live this life; Live this life I have been so blessed to receive. I am so lucky that my doctor caught this, and so lucky that he is going above and beyond for me to make sure I'm okay (seriously, what kind of doctor nowadays makes regular, personal phone calls to their patients? Mine.)  I am lucky to have modern medicine to keep me heathy, and to keep my body from doing harm to itself. 

I would be lying if I said I'm okay with this all; okay with this timeline I've been given; okay with the news that my body might turn on itself and attack me from the inside out; okay that I no longer have a say in when I start my family. 

I'm not okay, I'm really not. But right now, it's okay, that I'm not okay.