When You've Had Three Miscarriages...

• When you've had three miscarriages, something happens to you; something deep down inside you dies.
• When you've had three miscarriages, it becomes so painful to even look at a baby, let alone hold one, even when your family is having babies.
• When you've had three miscarriages, it takes everything inside of you not to scream at someone when they ask the oh so insensitive question, "so when are you going to start trying?"
• When you've had three miscarriages, you give up hope on ever having a "normal" family
• When you've had three miscarriages, you learn that your body will probably not be able to have a "natural" pregnancy.
• When you've had three miscarriages, you reevaluate your life choices.
• When you've had three miscarriages, you quit teaching, because while there are so many things wrong with education, it just becomes too painful.
• When you've had three miscarriages, you decided to pick up your entire life and move across the country.
• When you've had three miscarriages, you decide to go to law school, because "why not, I don't have kids, and won't any time soon; the only reason I went into teaching was because it was practical for raising a family, and that's obviously not going to happen."
• When you've had three miscarriages, you learn to rely on your spouse like you've never relied on him before.
• When you've had three miscarriages, you learn to become happy now, not "when this happens... I'll be happy."  No, you are happy now, because this, all of this, the good, bad and ugly, is your life.
• When you've had three miscarriages, you get scared every time AF is late, because you just know your heart can't take another heartbreak.
• When you've had three miscarriages, you wake your husband up at 2:00 in the morning to show him the positive pregnancy test with apprehension and fear and tears and a glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe, this is real.
• When you've had three miscarriages, you call the first OB you can find in your new area, because, you already know the outcome, so it doesn't matter if you like him or not.
• When you've had three miscarriages, you teeter on excitement and apprehension for the days and weeks leading up to your appointment.
• When you've had three miscarriages, you don't have any expectations for the ultrasound.
• When you've had three miscarriages, you're not sure what the technician is wanting you to see when she points to the screen and says, "do you see that?"
• When you've had three miscarriages, the flickering heartbeat on the first ultrasound is one of the most amazing things you've ever seen in your life.
• When you've had three miscarriages, you don't get overly excited at the news, that there is actually life inside you.
• When you've had three miscarriages, you don't want to share the news, because of the constant fear that something can and probably will go wrong.
• When you've had three miscarriages, you go into your second OB appointment with no expectations.
• When you've had three miscarriages, you fear the length of time it is taking for the doctor to find the heartbeat.
• When you've had three miscarriages, the sound of your baby's heartbeat is the most beautiful sound you've ever heard in your life.
• When you've had three miscarriages, you don't want to tell anyone, for so many reasons.  This life is so precious and exciting and we are actually able to revel in the joy that we finally get to feel when getting pregnant.
• When you've had three miscarriages, your wardrobe becomes problematic, because you don't want anyone to know just yet, but your pants don't fit.
• When you've had three miscarriages, you cry trying to get ready for church because you "look fat" in everything you try on.
• When you've had three miscarriages, you cry trying to get ready for anything, because everything you put on makes you look pregnant, and no matter how hard your husband tries to soothe you and tell you it's okay, because, guess what, you are pregnant, it's not okay.
• When you've had three miscarriages, you still attend law school, because that's what Heavenly Father is directing you to do.
• When you've had three miscarriages, you have faith that Heavenly Father knows what he is doing, and faith in His timing.
• When you've had three miscarriages, you wait to create that baby Pinterest board, because you deleted all the ones you've ever created previously, after every heartbreak experienced.
• When you've had three miscarriages, there is a constant fear in your heart that something is going to go wrong; and every little symptom becomes a matter of Google consultation.
• When you've had three miscarriages, you are in disbelief that you actually made it to the second trimester mark; your belly is growing and your body and your baby is healthy.
• When you've had three miscarriages, you can't wait to go back to the doctor, just so you can hear the heartbeat, and be reassured, one more time, that everything is okay.
• When you've had three miscarriages, you know that when you got in that car accident, you ruined your only chance at having a family.
• When you've had three miscarriages, you become very vague about why you had to go to the hospital after your car accident.
• When you've had three miscarriages, seeing your baby and its heartbeat after your car accident is the most amazing thing you have ever seen, and it doesn't matter how sore or battered you are when you realize your baby is HEALTHY and UNHARMED.
• When you've had three miscarriages, a countdown to your anatomy scan is done with a little bit of apprehension mixed with a little bit of fear, mixed with some excitement.
• When you've had three miscarriages, you decide to wait until you've had your anatomy ultrasound to share that you are finally having a healthy baby and you've never been more excited or scared in your life about what is about to happen in the impending months.