Changed

This post is not to air dirty laundry, but to just express the deep sadness that I have experienced at the loss of my mom.

Yesterday I posted on Facebook that I miss my mom, not the stranger she has now become. This was followed by several questions, because many did not understand what I was talking about. So I thought I would clarify here, on the one place that has always been mine, no matter where I've gone, this has been MY place.

Most people who know the circumstance, just think I'm upset because my mom divorced my dad and got remarried. This is not true. I am upset at the person she has decided to become.

My mom and I have had our problems in our lives, don't get me wrong, but I have never felt like she is a stranger to me, like I do now. My mom has ALWAYS been there for me, no matter what has happened in our lives, she has ALWAYS been willing to do what it takes for her children. This is no longer true. I can't even call and talk to her on the phone anymore, because she doesn't listen, if I try to express something I'm going through, or when I try talking to her, she doesn't even respond unless its about her or Leroy. And Leroy is ALWAYS the only thing she can talk to me about, and honestly, I want to talk to my mom about something, ANYTHING, other than Leroy.

I was really hurt when Chris and I were engaged and planning our wedding. I wanted her to come dress shopping with me, to help me plan, and she didn't. She and Leroy eloped on the day that I went dress shopping, and was too self absorbed to hear me when I asked for her help (I did ask her, but she continually denies it, and lets be honest, after being blown off enough times, you learn to quit asking.) even asking her to help Kimmie with my bridal shower was frustrating, because the day wasn't going to be about her or Leroy and what was worse? After my bridal shower (which was on my birthday) she LEFT me at home after telling me we had all these plans together.

My whole wedding in and of itself became drama filled, and all I heard from her day after day was Leroy didn't want to go, Leroy will go to California but not to the wedding, Leroy will go to California as long as they "do other stuff", coming to California is too expensive (because of everything they wanted to pack into the week, not the actual coming to the wedding), she didn't have anything to wear, etc. etc. etc. I just wanted my mom to be there for me, and it felt like I was asking too much of her, almost to the point where I didn't even want her there. Your wedding is supposed to be the most exciting times in your life, and to be told you're being selfish for being excited about it, by the person who should be JUST as excited as you, is heartbreaking.

I think it hurt the most when Chris was in the hospital and the time after he was discharged. That was a difficult time for me. And I remember crying on the phone BEGGING her to come because I couldn't take it. I needed her and she told me she couldn't come help because she had to make Thanksgiving Dinner for Leroy's parents, and she needed to ask Leroy for permission and he probably wouldn't let her.

These are the MAJOR hurts that really make me miss my mom. There are so many minor hurts that add up too. My mom used to make her grandchildren a priority. She would make sure to come visit them at LEAST once a month, and this year (since my wedding) she has only seen them twice, once in October and once in March. And she treats them differently now than she used to, like her patience and tolerance for things that she used to love about them. She got rid of her dogs that she had for 10 years, that used to be her babies, because Leroy didn't like them, but he could keep his dog.

And it's not just those things, it's how she lets him talk to her. She makes excuses for him though. All I have to say is, if Chris said half of the things to me that Leroy says to my mom, he would be out in the cold, because I wouldn't put up with it, which is how my mom raised me (I think that's what we call irony.) Example: my mom crashed her car on Christmas Eve. She called Leroy multiple times before he answered. When he finally did, he came down, looked at her car, and basically screamed at her for driving too fast on the icy roads, and told her that he was leaving and she could walk home or have the patrolman drive her home when he got there. He left her in a snow storm on Christmas Eve and yelled at her for sliding on the ice.

This is just ONE of many horrible things he has done to her, but the list goes on and on and on.

She's just not the person who raised me, and it's REALLY hard sometimes, because I just want a mom, and I don't feel like I have one anymore.

Unexpected

A year ago (minus a few days) my honey proposed to me.  He expressed his love to me, told me how he had never been as happy as I made him and he promised me love and adventure.

 

This picture was the first picture Chris and I ever took together back in February 2012. I look at this picture and smile. I knew Chris was perfect for me then, and I still know.

I love how in love I was with Chris back then, and how much my love has grown for him.  I am SO in love with this man.  He saved my life.

 

I know that his family probably thinks Chris could do a lot better than me, that Chris could have gotten someone better matched to his personality. And I would agree with them, Chris absolutely can do better than me, and probably deserves better, but for me, Chris is perfect.  He is the best thing that has ever happened to me. He changed my perspective on life and marriage and family.  He gave me hope. He made me want to do more, see more, be more.

 

Our love was unexpected, but meant to be.  Everything fell into place for both of us to move to the speck of dust town of Yuma, Colorado.  Moving there, neither of us expected to find someone or fall in love. Moving there was supposed to be temporary.

 

I know that I talk about Chris a lot on this blog, but he is my life.  I think about him ALL the time.  I think about him driving to work.  I think about him at work. I think about him driving home from work.  I can't wait to go home just so I can see him.

 

 I love that he makes sure to kiss me before he leaves for work in the morning.  I love that he kisses me when he gets home from work. I love that he texts me in the morning to wake me up and to tell me that he loves me.   I love that he tells me I'm beautiful every day.  I love that he tells me every day he is lucky to have me in life. I love that he teaches me.  I love how PATIENT he is, especially with me. I love how passionate he is. I love how hard he works.  I love how much he endures. I love watching him with Tobin and Namara.

 

I know that I am honestly the luckiest girl in the world to have Chris in my life. He loves me unconditionally. Chris is my gentle giant that has the most tender heart I have ever met.  Some people questioned my decision. I never have.  As hard as some things have gotten, I have never questioned my love for Chris.  Sometimes I wonder if I'm living in a dream.  I wonder if this is actually my life. How is it that I could be so lucky.

 

And then I look at my honey, and none of it matters, because he is mine forever and I have no reason to question that.

Live the life you imagined…

I’ve been thinking about that quote a lot, especially this past week when I had a week off and was home with more than enough time to myself.

The life I imagined, is not the life I’m living:

I never imagined living 45 minutes away from the closest town and Walmart. I never imagined having 42 chickens being raised in my living room for their first few weeks of life. I never imagined living away from the mountains.  I never imagined having over 50 cows less than 20 yards from my front door. I never imagined making a life with someone.  I never imagined I would teach middle school.  I never imagined I would be up at 5:00 every morning to bottle feed baby calves.  I never imagined I would own my own horse, or go riding my own horse to help round up cows. I never imagined I would be a home-owner before I was 30, and with that home be re-doing the WHOLE thing.  I never imagined I would want to start a family.  I never imagined I would own 4 dogs at the SAME time (2 border collies, 2 toy poodle mixes).

All of the above are currently my life.  None of them are what I imagined.  Sometimes all of the above are really hard for me.  Sometimes I lay in bed crying because I am so overwhelmed with our lives and with what is going to be happening, and what is currently happening.  Sometimes I feel like it is too much for me to handle, because it is NOT what I imagined.

Then there are nights like tonight.  My honey brought home Chinese food.  It is the one and ONLY thing I really miss about Yuma.  It has the BEST Chinese I have ever had, and it is a LOT of food, for a very reasonable price.  (Seriously though, the BEST Chinese, my brother took us to a Chinese restaurant in Colorado Springs that he claimed was “the best” and it paled in comparison)

Looking at my beautiful Easter flowers, and eating my yummy Chinese food, I realized I may not be living the life I imagined, but I am living a pretty darn good life.

I have an amazing husband who would do almost anything to make me happy, I have a roof over my head that I OWN and can make my own however I decide to do so.  I have a job in the field I studied in, we are on our way to being self sufficient as we prep our garden and have all our chickens (30 broiler {meat} chickens and 12 hens). 

I may not quite be living the life I imagined, but I love the life I’m living and …

… I really am Living Happily Ever After.

Two Days in Paradise.

The day after Valentine's I had off for a comp day (parent-teacher conferences). We were excited to actually get to spend two full days, uniterrupted, together. Because it has been a year since we have been bowling together (I would say a year and leave it at that, but I think I might have been bowling this summer, like once, maybe?) We ventured our way to Sterling for a fabulous meal of Taco Bell, and then we went to the bowling alley. We were only about 6 frames in, when the lady working at the alley made us leave. I was really upset. She gave us a gift certificate to come back another time, but I don't think she realized what a rarity it was for us to be able to be there and go to begin with! It took a lot from me not to cry. I know it wasn't a big deal, and it really wasn't her fault, but it's something we don't get to do very often, and she was kinda raining on my day date.

After I finished my little pitty party, we ventured over to Bomgaars which got their second shipment of chicks in. We bought 9 last week when the kids were visiting, but the green egg layers (Americanas) didn't come in the first shipment.  When we bought 9 we were only planning on 6. This time we were only going to get 1 Americana, but we both felt really awkward asking for just one chicken, so we ended up with 3 and rationalized it that we were making it an even dozen.

Our 2 Americanas and 1 Sicilian Buttercup.

Wal-mart was last on our list, where we were only going to buy sour cream and milk. But they had all the gardening stuff out, and we just bought all our trees and bushes for the garden from Gurney's but didn't get any seeds so I convinced Chris we needed to get our seeds for our garden too! He made so much fun of me because of how excited I got over a packet of seeds. He knew I loved Easter and Springtime, but I guess he didn't realize how much!

Chris also suprised me with a boquet of tulips! I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE tulips. They're probably my second favourite flower (next to Sunflowers of course!). I was so excited, (and of course okay with it because it wasn't valentines day or roses!) Every time I walk into the kitchen I make a comment about them.

But they are so beautiful! And I adore them.

Saturday we went to the hay auction and then kind of sat around the house and dinked around. We took the "window treatments" off of our kitchen windows. We also hung a few frames and pictures that we've been meaning to get to.

Again dummy-me, I forgot to get a before picture, but the "treatments" were just 6 in pieces of wood attached to the front end of the cabinents, so they weren't even true window treatments.

(After I took this picture, I realized we REALLY need to do something with this light fixture. It is UGLY and DIRTY!)

These are the kitchen signs I hung. Totally got them off of pinterest- free printables. Man I love Pinterest! This only cost us $3 for the frames that I found at the dollar store, and they look really nice and just gives it a little something extra.

The more time Chris and I spend together the better it gets. It's so much easier to get stuff done to the house when we're off together than just one of us trying to get stuff done on our own. We are slowly making progress, and making this house a home, and making it our own.

Lovely Days

So I don't believe in celebrating Valentines Day.never have. People just thought it was because I was always single, but even in a committed relationship, still not a fan. Mostly because I don't like how it's turned out (so much like Christmas, where people ask for certain things) and because I don't believe in having a specific day to celebrate your love. I tell Chris that I would prefer the unexpected gift on any other day, where there is no expectations and everyone and their mother isn't celebrating as well.

Either way, both V-Days Chris and I have been together have passed by rather uneventfully. Last year, I told Chris I would break up with him if he got me anything, but wasn't sure how well he'd listen, so I got him a card and a gift just in case. Lucky for me, my Christopher is a listener, so I was prepared for naught, so I kept the gift for his birthday and gave him the card. It was a super snarky one anyway, so it really did fit the non-lovey-dovey-ness we were going for. Something along the lines of how I know I can be difficult and mean etc. and then you open it up and it says how totally worth it I am.

This year, we were in our fiscal fast for Valentine's (coincidence? I think not.) so I used some sticky notes to make this little number for when he got home from work:

 

 

The Yellow and Blue (because those are "our" colors) say 'I <3 YOU BECAUSE...' and the pink ones shaped in a heart are all the reasons why I love my Christopher.

Yes, I purposely put the one sticky note by itself off to the side.  There is a purpose behind it, and it also kinda worked as an end point! Double plus!

Chirs might get a little upset I shared this one with you, but it makes me laugh, and it is something he says almost daily.  And because this is my blog, for me, I'm putting it here.

We started watching "Next Great Baker" because of my weird fascination with Cake Boss.  On the season finale, Chris told me what is on the right in this picture.  Oh that boy :)

This is the one that is an "end mark".  It says "I can!" It is often a phrase uttered from my mouth when he asks why I love him :D We're so silly sometimes. Just looking at this makes me giddy.

I think little things like this are what Valentine's Day are supposed to be about!  Not about roses (which are "eh" anyway) and Candy and gifts and. and. and.  It's about expressing your love for one another, and Chris and I can do that without spending money.

Hibernation

I had started a post several times in the past two months. It is a very dark and difficult piece for me to write, and I kept getting stuck at the same place. I noticed the post is becoming easier for me to write, but that's because I'm getting further away from the subject. Maybe one day I will post it, but today is not that day. I just have been struggling with trying to get the words out to describe what I've been going through, that I haven't been able to do much else, and haven't been able to write anything. Today I woke up happy. I felt like I woke up out of a deep, horrible sleep much like a "hibernation" from my old self, that takes place through the winter for many animals.

This week (all but Monday because I was at school until 8 o'clock because of parent teacher conferences) I have gotten home and either gone for a walk or a jog. Yesterday was not a great day, and I got home a little later than I planned. I debated about what I should do when I walked In the door, because I wouldn't have enough time to go for a run. I decided to just go for a short walk to the end of our property line and back (about a mile and a half). Even though the wind was biting on the way back home, it was quite refreshing.

The dogs came with me and ran ahead in front of me and I feel like they too felt quite refreshed. I feel like we were coming out of hibernation. This morning I woke up and played "squeaky" with Pippin for half an hour, and he seemed a lot happier too. I think we are all starting to peek out from our winter's sleep and adjusting to our new lives and starting to embrace it. Things haven't been weighing as heavy on me lately and I am so happy with my life. I am happy with how our house is coming along and we are able to do a little Something every day. I am happy with our "baby chickens" and excited we will have fresh eggs at the end of the summer. I am happy that we ordered our garden supplies and we will have fresh raspberries, and strawberries, and apples, and corn and squash, and peas, and beans. I am happy with our lives.

I am so at peace right now, and I am so happy.

Islands

Growing up, I watched my parents fight on an almost daily basis, and I swore up and down I was never getting married. I swore it. I knew me and I knew that I could probably never meld my life with another person.

After turning 17 and graduating from high school, I entertained the idea of MAYBE getting married, then once I was at college for a year, I once again swore off the idea. I had plans for myself, and none of them included a man.

After dating Terry on and off and on and off again for a year, I told him I would marry him. That is one of my biggest regrets in life. I knew I never wanted to marry him, and I knew I probably never would. it wasn't fair to him or myself, but I loved the attention, albeit most of the attention was negative, but it was attention nonetheless. The relationship ended badly, though I don't know how else it could have or would have ended.

After Terry, I once again swore off marriage. I was alone and I was happy. I went to New Zealand, graduated university, started my first "real" job, had my first house, lived on my own, all by myself, and I was happy.

When I met Chris, I figured it would never evolve into much more than a platonic friendship. He would be someone my age to do things with outside of my job. But we fell in love, hard and fast.

Considering how small Yuma was, there wasn't much else to do. Chris and I were at each others house daily, making dinner, playing games, or watching movies. It broke up the monotony of my day-to-day and I looked forward to talking to someone other than pubescent tweenagers.

We decided we were going to get married in January and he proposed in April. Because we didn't want to live together before we were married, we got married 4 months later.

It's really hard for me sometimes, because I was so happy being alone, and sometimes being married is so hard, that I question why I ever got married in the first place. Don't get me wrong, I don't regret marrying Christopher, but being married is hard.

Lately I have really reflected as to why it is so hard for me to be with someone else, and I think I have pinpointed it to a few reasons.

First of all, I have never seen a healthy relationship. What does one look like? How do they communicate? How do they work together? My parent's marriage was all about lies and deceit. Each of them were on their own boat paddling in different directions of each other away from the island in the middle of nowhere. It was always my mom expressing how she was a better parent than my dad, and my dad telling us not to tell mom. Mom pretending to care but really only ever caring about herself and how she appeared to others. The more I look at our family/home life the more I realized how unhealthy it really was.

My parents never taught me how to properly resolve conflicts. All I ever saw was yelling and screaming when one or the other of them was upset. I don't know how to calmly and rationally express how I'm feeling, because I was never taught, and I definitely never saw it.

I'm not making excuses, merely I am admitting my own faults. I see my weaknesses, and I know how they came about, what I don't know is how to "fix" it. I don't know how to communicate my feelings other than shutting down or exploding. That's all I know how to do.

I feel bad that Chris has to deal with me in my broken state. He is so patient and kind and forgiving when I get into my little ... moods, and he never wants to give up and leave. I offer to leave him almost daily so he doesn't have to deal with me any more, but he never takes me up on my offer. I know I need to get better, I need to figure out how to better myself, how to rationalize my feelings, and how to express them in a more mature way, but I don't know how.

When I get in these ...moods, it's basically to a point of no return. I have to let it run its course before I can get back to normal. I have been this way for as long as I can remember, and it's never really been a big deal until now. Now I see it affecting the one I love more than anything in this world. I lash out against him and I hurt him more than I help him, and it's really not fair to him, but I don't know what to do so I no longer hurt him.