It's Working!

I figure I should update on my summer of love project now that we are already a month in (tear! a month of my summer is already gone!) and all I have to say is: it's working!

I feel so much better than I have all year.  A few highlights: I have lost 10 lbs! Now, understand, with how much weight I gained, which was considerable, it definitely does not look like I have lost 10 lbs, but my scale has definitely come down, and I feel it in my running.

My running isn't as far along as I would have hoped, but my endurance is so much better. When I started out, I really couldn't go very far, and I can now go triple what I started out at. (Sorry for the ending in double prepositions, but alas, what can I say, I'm on summer break, at least you get my acknowledgement that I know I shouldn't do it.)  I run on the back road behind our house, which is nice, because I can bring the dogs, but it sucks, because the weeds are thick and it's difficult to run in. Especially with the distance I am wanting to accomplish, I am going to have to find another place. I have a cheap elliptical we bought this winter, but I truly prefer running outside, so a solution is definitely being sought out.

My house is coming along. My in-laws were here for a few days, and they helped with some things on the house (they are seriously great that way, even when I say not to worry about any projects, they always find something to help us out with) Chris built some miniature white picket fences (I've always been in love with white picket fences) to go around my flowers in the front of the house, because we found out that I'm not the only one who loves flowers, Ace does too.  So much in fact that he chews on my rose bushes and digs up my plants. So Chris designed and measured and made these cute little fences for me so I could have some flowers.

And now for a photo update:

Chris's (27th!) birthday: celebrating my love

Midnight, in a box, because she's the cutest, seriously, ever.

Love! He is so good with them!

Namara and her egg.

Piglets? I felt like a super cool aunt this day.

We did some updating in the kitchen. I seriously need to do a post just on our house to show the before and afters so far. Seriously drastic differences!

My flowers and white picket fence! Eeep! :)

My sweet (mostly finished) front porch, and my second picket fence. And my Lillys :)

My morning runs with mister and Pandora (sweet song, eh)

And last, but most importantly, my honey:

And just to show you why Christopher was on my list, this:

Every morning, without fail, Chris texts me. I'm not even kidding you. Every. Single. Morning. 

How did I get so lucky?

The Summer of Love 2014

My good friend and colleague told me recently that she is planning on having this summer to be her summer of love.  (That sentence is really horrible grammar, but I can't figure out how to fix it right now, so you will just have to deal with it.) She is a few years older than me and single and fiercely independent.  She and I are kindred spirits, but that's a post for another day.  Her summer of love is one of finding love and a companion who can walk beside her and support her in her adventures and start a family (see! Kindred spirits!)

I have been thinking on this phrase, and I have decided to adopt it and also make 2014 the summer of love for Tiffany.  How is this possible when I'm already married?? Keep reading! That's why we're here!

After I got pregnant I thought my life was perfect, things were finally falling into place and life was beautiful. When I found out I lost the baby I was devastated. If you've read my blog, you know how I felt. You also know how I felt when I found out I couldn't have children.  What you don't know is that I feel like since December-ish, everything else in my life has fallen apart.

Yes, my husband joined the church and has gained an amazing testimony, he loves me unconditionally and is my rock, he keeps me grounded when all I want to do is sink beneath it. But things have been so hard. Work, church, life, home has been so hard.

I look in the mirror and I don't like what I see.  I have gained a tremendous amount of weight (between pregnancy weight that I didn't lose, birth control weight, and stress weight), I look exhausted, and I just feel unhappy.  I hate feeling the way I do, but I feel like my life is spinning out of control, much like the tornado we had here in Akron earlier this week. I am just struggling, (hence my lack of writing lately) but this post is not about my struggles, it's about how I'm going to change all that, and how I'm going to do that this summer of love.

First and foremost I bought a new pair of shoes.  Now what does a pair of shoes have to do with love? Well we all know a woman's true love is an amazing new pair of shoes, but also, this:

                                                                                  

                                                 

Typically I don't think this is referring to a pair of running shoes, but in my case it does. I've always wanted to run a half marathon, ever since I was in cross country in high school. It's a bucket list item so to speak, and I have wanted to get into running again, but I didn't have a good pair of running shoes (despite what Chris says about the amount of shoes in my closet.) I have been wanting a pair of ASICS, but they are a bit pricey. ASICS are what I wore when I was running daily in high school and no other pair of tennis/running shoe can compare. I've heard Brooks are pretty fantastic too, but they're even more pricey, so I'll stick with ASICS for now. Plus I got a killer Kohls deal on this pair:

In addition to just owning a fabulous pair of new shoes, these shoes will lead me down my path of love. I am planning on running a half-marathon on Labor Day, which gives me all summer to prep my body to do an amazing thing, and doing this amazing thing (I mean running 13 miles is pretty amazing) I can start to love myself again. I am pretty sure by forcing my body (which looks as if the only half marathoning it's capable of is eating) to run a half marathon, I can not only be proud of myself for an accomplishment, but also love my body, because just saying, I will probably lose some weight in the process. Win-Win for loving myself. 

Secondly is to love my Heavenly Father and to love my Savior, Jesus Christ. Now don't get me wrong, I do love my Heavenly Father and my Savior, I just feel as if I don't have a strong enough relationship with them. I've made this comment before, but in our desperate times we have a tendency to do one of two things: cling on to the gospel and it's teachings, or we let it go because we are just so overwhelmed. I have a tendency to do the latter. I've done both, but my tendency is to stop doing everything we are asked to do because it gets too hard to "do it all".  So this summer I want to work on my testimony and loving my Savior and my Heavenly Father. I also want to be ready for my endowment by the end of the summer, because Chris and I are planning on next March making a special trip to Logan to be sealed for time and all eternity (more on that later). I want to be ready now instead of getting there and realizing I am not ready, and I don't want to be the reason Chris doesn't go through the temple when he is ready.

Third. Love my job. This year I have been flying by the seat of my pants. I have struggled this year with so many aspects of my career. In fact, it has brought many conversations at home on whether or not I want to stay in education, or if I want to go get a Master's degree pursuing another career entirely. I want to give it one more shot, so this summer I am planning on going into school once a week. On this weekly trip, I am going to clean and organize my classroom. Clean, uncluttered environments are the only way to learn. I am also going to get my whole school year ready (because they're changing what I'm doing for the third year in a row). I want to get my lessons, activities, handouts, etc. ready for the entire school year. If I get all of this ready this summer, it will take off a lot of stress during the school year, and I can focus on other things, like being:

                       

Fourth: love my home. I will be the first to admit I HATED our house when Chris bought it. Many may even know the story of how I started crying when I first stepped foot in our house. So I was a little bitter for a while, until I realized the power of paint. Holy cow! That made a world of difference! Then we put pictures on the wall of one of the happiest days of my life, (my wedding, duh!) and I started to put a little work and sweat into our house and with help from Chris, my in-laws, and Kale, I felt like we had a home. In fact we were talking about moving a couple weeks ago, and it made me sad, because I really love what we have done to our house. It is far from perfect, but we have put so much time and work into the house that it feels like home. It feels like ours. Holy Mack- sidetracked! Love my home. Still much to do. I don't think a house is a home until there are flowers in the front yard. I am planning on putting some love into the outside of our house now: clean up the yard, plant a garden, plant some flowers, paint the exterior, and truly love what an amazing place we have that we OWN, that we can fix and make better. Sometimes the task is daunting, which makes me have my negative attitude, but I am planning on loving my home and putting all kinds of work into it this summer.

(This is a little preview of something we started, but you see?!?! Flowers! Of course it snowed shortly after I planted them, and they died :( so I will have to replace them)

And last, love my honey. I mean this kind of speaks for itself, cause look at that face:

How can anyone not love that face? I mean seriously, he's the cutest! I hate to admit this, but there are times when I am just mean to him. It is a horrible thing to admit, but I am.  I think because I know he will still love me unconditionally, but that's no excuse. He is more than I ever wanted in a husband (you know those silly checklists we make when we're young? Yea, he's more than that). This summer I am going to work on showing and expressing my love to him in simple, pure ways, so that he knows I don't take him for granted, because my life with him really is my happily ever after:

                          

So that is my plan for the 2014 summer of love.  My summer doesn't officially start for 12 1\2 more days (but who's counting?) but I am going to start working now because it's never too early to start loving yourself. 

Eight Cows

So I'm sure most of you have seen the short film "Jonny Lingo":

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pfahoLfrddU

And while it was filmed in 1969, it still speaks to me on so many levels.

I am so lucky to be an 8 cow wife. And I say that not because I want to boast or compare cows, but because I am so grateful.

I think often to my younger years as Muhauna the ugly: all the comments from peers, my parents, my brothers: "you're fat!" "Suck it in..." "You're not the kind of girl someone wants to date" "too bad you weren't born in the 1800s... You would've been super weathy based on your size!" 

There were so many venomous comments that were made to me, that I started to believe all of these things. I believed that I was fat and ugly, and I was undateable.

Until I met Chris...

-He tells me how beautiful I am, every day: when I'm sick, when I chop my hair off, when I have no makeup on, it doesn't matter, I am still beautiful in his eyes.

-He puts my wants and needs first. 

-He works hard for us to have a better life. He works anywhere from 10-18 hour days without extra compensation, driving ~70 miles round trip every day, works on the house whenever he is not at work, and still manages to have a smile on his face.

I never would have seen myself as an 8 (actually it's closer to 30-something) cow wife, but Chris makes sure I am. 

How lucky I am.

Happy Day!

I posted this picture on Saturday on Facebook, with the caption "Happy Day!":

One of the comments read:

 "What happened?!?! Is this a big day?"

I stared at this comment for close to 20 minutes and pondered it for the next two days. By societal standards this was NOT a big day. No one looking in from the outside would consider this a significant day. But is this a big day? Yes. This day changes how I view my future. It changes how I view my husband. It changes how I view my faith. It changes how I view myself. This day changes everything.

My wonderful husband made the choice to be baptized into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Saturday, my husband was baptized by Elder Empey, a missionary who has been out in the field only 5 short weeks. I remember when they announced in church we were getting a missionary straight out of the MTC and I got the strongest feeling that there was a reason we were getting this new missionary.  Then when I met him, I knew why.  Chris told me after the first time Elder Empey was at our house that you could definitely tell the missionaries who wanted to be out, from the missionaries who felt like they "had" to.  Elder Empey is what I would consider a true to form missionary, who will always hold a special place in my heart.

At Chris's baptism, a member of the bishopric spoke, and he explained how this was a huge step in his life, but the world would not see it that way. That's how I feel right now. I feel as if my world has been turned upside down, but the world around us keeps on moving forward. 

I was thinking about my life I thought Chris and I were going to have, and now I have to rethink our whole future. Now, instead of having my brother bless my babies, my husband will be able to. Instead of having Uncle Chad come baptize my children, my husband will be able to. Instead of prolonging my visit to the temple, my husband now will take me. Instead of going to church alone, my husband will be sitting next to me.  Instead of asking a home teacher for a blessing, my husband will. Instead of holding family prayer alone, my husband will help me. Instead of raising my children alone in the gospel, my husband will help me. 

It's crazy how one small, seemingly insignificant, event can change your life forever. But this event has; my life is forever changed.

Time

Time is a funny thing, isn't it?

I was reading through several of my old posts and i kept thinking, it really wasn't that bad, was it? Did I really feel that horrible? Was I really that far gone? Was that really only 6 months ago?

But looking back, I know that it was that bad, it almost had to be worse than I shared here.

But looking back, at the same time, I wouldn't change anything. I am a strong believer in "things happen for a reason" and "God works in mysterious ways" and a strong believer in answered prayers.

I remember being so very upset at the loss of our first child, but now, I see it as a blessing.  This was the turning point.  This is when I saw a change in my husband, and this is ultimately saw the change in myself, especially now as I look back.

I know I've mentioned it before, but I always said I never wanted to push the church on Chris. I never wanted Chris to learn about the gospel because of my wants, but because of his.

After the roller coaster of our miscarriage, Chris told me on his next weekend off, he would go to church with me. I didn't have much faith in him following through and wasn't sure why he suddenly wanted to come to church with me so I didn't get my hopes up.

Recently, I asked Chris why, not unusual for me, but I really, earnestly wanted to know why he started coming to church with me. He just shrugged and said because, not unusual for him.

But the next weekend off, Chris got ready for church and we went to church together. 

It seems at this point like the rest is history, and I guess it kind of is.

After we got back from California, Chris decided he wanted to start coming to all three meetings, instead of just two (our ward is backwards and does relief society/priesthood first, then Sunday school, then sacrament meeting, and we were just going to Sunday school and sacrament.)

Within two weeks, we had the missionaries over for dinner, and they taught a lesson on prayer, and Chris agreed to have them come and teach him. So for the last four weeks, the missionaries have been coming and teaching lessons and sharing personal testimony to me and my husband. Again, time is such a funny thing, it feels like we've been having the missionaries over a lot longer than this, but alas, I checked my calendar, and 4 weeks is all it's been. 

I have loved watching my husband grow. I have loved reading scriptures together and saying prayers together.  I love hearing my husband answer the missionary questions I didn't think he knew. I have loved every minute of this adventure, as hard as it may have been at times.

I asked Chris, that if I had asked him when we were dating to come to church with me if he would have, and he told me no. I don't know why I was surprised by this answer, but I was.  I think Chris needed time, I think he needed for me to miscarry for him to reevaluate his life and what he wanted out of this life.

I should mention at this time, I too needed to miscarry. I needed to be humbled. I needed to change my less-active status in the church to active.  My family was undergoing some difficult times when Chris and I got engaged, and I struggled with the broken covenants that were occurring. I let it affect my life and take hold of my faith, weakening it, and I became lost in a world that I felt was in turmoil.

On Friday, Valentine's Day, a day I normally am disgusted with and want nothing to do with, my husband set a date for baptism. He explained how he felt this was what he needed to do in his life. I wish I could express in words the feeling in my little living room that evening with the missionaries, but I can't. There are no words. What an amazing feeling, changing forever how I will now view this day. Valentine's Day now holds a very special place in my heart, a day in which true love was expressed in my home in the rawest, truest form imaginable.

Chris and I have had many conversations and discussions about what this means for him, for us. And I have made it clear from day 1, that it needs to be about him, it needs to be for reasons that have nothing to do with me, and it is. His testimony is so simple and strong it could break your legs. 

After the missionaries left on Friday, I hugged my husband and told him, "I'm happy you're getting baptized." 

He replied, "why?" (This is known as payback, for those of you who may not know, those words leave my mouth 1000s of times a day)

As I sat there, I thought of 100 reasons why I'm happy, 99 of them selfish, I told him the 1 reason that is the only reason that matters, "because it's true." And I held him even closer.

 I've been thinking a lot lately about how many times I have stumbled and fallen and taken "time-outs" from the church, but every time I have been in these lowly states of life, I keep coming back to the church. Why would I keep coming back unless it was true? I wouldn't. It is true. I know it is.

A Simple Prayer

Chris has been coming to church with me on his weekends off (he only has every other weekend) and it has been so nice not to go alone. We always joked that he was a better Mormon than me anyway, so now he's learning that he really kind of is.

Last night we had the missionaries over for dinner, and we had a lesson on prayer. We went over the essentials and the steps of prayer and wrote down things we could pray about in our lives currently. Last night was the first time Chris had ever heard me utter a prayer, and I felt really bad because I have not been a very good example to him. 

We were challenged to start having nightly prayers together, and to pray for things we need as a couple. And last night before bed, I heard Chris's first spoken prayer. It was so simple and sweet. My heart was full. I love him so much and coming closer to our Heavenly Father together is the best adventure yet.

Courage

This post takes courage for me to write. Courage is not something that I would say is something that I exude very often.  But today it is in the front of my mind, and I know that once I write out this post, and sort out my feelings, that it will be worth it.

This morning I looked at this picture and my heart started to hurt.

It didn’t hurt because of sadness, but hurt because of how happy I am.  I am so happy with my marriage and this picture encompasses everything I feel our relationship is.  I know that had I married anyone other than Chris, that I would not be nearly as happy as I am with him.  He does so much for me and us. 

With that said…

I always admired those women and men at church who would come alone to church every week.  Those women who got their children ready in the morning and brought them to church and sat alone in Sunday school.  I have known several of these extremely strong women, and I always admired their courage, but I never thought it would be me.

Today in church I sat in Sunday school alone, like I always do, which actually isn’t bad at all.  But it was when the teacher started discussing today’s topic that I began to feel upset sitting alone for the first time.  The topic was temple marriage, and I was frustrated (I want to say offended, but I’m not quite sure either word quite fits what I was feeling.) The insensitivity of the class got to me.  I could feel it building, but I put on a strong front, because the subject is something that I have thought about plenty of times.  But it was when one comment was made that tears started building up in my eyes, and as more class members added to the comment, the tears started streaming down my face, until I lost it, running out of the building, crying like a fool, scaring a primary class that was outside for the day. 

What was the comment you say? Well, it was one that I have never heard before when it comes to temple marriage: “if you get married outside the temple, you really are signing a marriage certificate and a divorce certificate on the same day” there was something more, but I don’t exactly remember the wording and I don’t want to make it sound worse than it was, but just understand that any marriage outside of the temple was condemned in the sight of God.  Tears welled in my eyes. I wasn’t prepared for it.  Then as more and more comments were made, the tears started falling.

I was shocked, literally shocked, at the comments.  Many of them made by people who know me, and know my situation. To keep this from getting away from me, just know that regardless if I had been married in the temple or not I would have been offended (for lack of a better word.)

I am not ashamed of my marriage with Chris.  Did it take courage to marry Chris?ABSOLUTELY! Did it take courage to keep my standards when I was getting married?YES! In fact, as I was getting ready for church this morning, I was thinking of my wedding dress, and how I wanted to write a post about why it was important to me to have a modest wedding dress even though I wasn’t getting married in the temple. (I think I still will write that post, but I found it interesting that this is what was running through my mind this morning, only to be shocked hours later concerning the same subject.) But was it worth it? YES!

As I sat in my car, crying harder than I probably should I have, I thought about why people would say such hurtful things.  Does God really condemn me and my marriage just because I didn’t get married in the temple?  I called Chris and attempted to tell him, and I just couldn’t get it out without crying all over again.  I never have forced the church on Chris.  I want him to ask questions as he is comfortable, and he has. But I don’t want him to feel that he has to join the church because of me, or what I want.  It has to be him.

Chris and I have a good marriage.  We have a better marriage than several people I know who did get married in the temple, and just because you have a temple marriage doesn’t mean it’s forever, as I know several temple marriages that have now ended in divorce.  I think people need to understand that we have a loving Heavenly Father watching over us, and he isn’t a cruel God.  He wants us to be happy, and He wants us to make righteous decisions.  I don’t believe that God thinks that because I didn’t get married in the temple my decision to marry Chris was not a righteous one.  I think that when we get to the other side, God is going to consider all of the things that have happened in our lives when it comes to determining our eternal fates, and we have to have courage in our decisions that we are doing what we know to be right, despite what others may say about it.

One Year of Marriage

One year ago today, Christopher and I were married.

And what a year it has been!
In August:

• we got married
• we went on our honeymoon to Disneyland
• we bought a house
• I started a new job

In September:

• We moved to our new house

In October:

• Chris and I went to Nebraska (my first time!)
• We bought a horse

In November:

• Chris was admitted into the hospital
• We celebrated our first Thanksgiving and Black Friday together

In December:

• We celebrated our first Christmas together (I was with my family the previous year)

In January:

• We discussed our goals and what we wanted out of life in the near future
• Chris’s parents came to visit
• We took out the floating kitchen cabinets that divided the dining room/kitchen
• We painted our living room, dining room and kitchen
• We added crown molding to the living room

In February:

• We started an Etsy shop
• We bought our first laying hens
• We did our first fiscal fast
• We took out the window “treatments” in the kitchen

In March:

• We bought our first broiler chickens
• We stayed home for spring break and worked on the house

In April:

• I went to my first live baseball game (Go SkySox!)
• Chris’s grandfather passed away
• Chris bought me and {extremely} early birthday present (my porch swing) and I use it almost everyday

In May:

• I butchered my first chicken
• We celebrated Chris turning 26
• I ended out my first school year in Brush (and it was a GREAT year!)

In June:

• I broke my arm
• I bought a jersey heifer
• Chris bought some goats
We planted our very first garden together
• We participated in bountiful baskets for the first time, which led to my first even canning experience (with Chris’s help because of breaking my arm)
• We finished going through all the boxes etc that we have left upstairs since we moved.
• We painted one of the rooms upstairs (my craft room)

In July:

• We celebrated our first fourth of July together, and went to see the fireworks in Otis
• We celebrated my 25th birthday
• We finished (ish) painting the house including: the hallway,stairway, upstairs bedrooms, upstairs reading room, and all trim.
• We took a short, quick road trip with Chris’s family to Indiana

Our first year has been filled with many things.  Many ups, many downs.  It’s been filled with love and heartache.
When in Indiana, so many of Chris’s family members commented on how hard the first year of marriage is.  I have been so relieved in hearing so many couples say this, because before the wedding, all you hear anything about is the wonderful “honeymoon stage” the first year is.  I wish I had heard before the wedding that the first year was going to be hard, so then I could’ve been more prepared.
But we have a good marriage.  We’ve talked about why we have a good marriage.  We love each other unconditionally.  We respect each other.  We laugh with each other. We understand one another.
When I married Chris I loved him more than I ever could have imagined.
Now, I find myself looking into his beautiful blue eyes, and falling deeper in love with him every day.  Some days it feels like we have been married for a LONG time, that we have known each other much longer than we have, and other days it feels as if we were just married yesterday. 

One year down, the rest of forever to go.

Unexpected

A year ago (minus a few days) my honey proposed to me.  He expressed his love to me, told me how he had never been as happy as I made him and he promised me love and adventure.

 

This picture was the first picture Chris and I ever took together back in February 2012. I look at this picture and smile. I knew Chris was perfect for me then, and I still know.

I love how in love I was with Chris back then, and how much my love has grown for him.  I am SO in love with this man.  He saved my life.

 

I know that his family probably thinks Chris could do a lot better than me, that Chris could have gotten someone better matched to his personality. And I would agree with them, Chris absolutely can do better than me, and probably deserves better, but for me, Chris is perfect.  He is the best thing that has ever happened to me. He changed my perspective on life and marriage and family.  He gave me hope. He made me want to do more, see more, be more.

 

Our love was unexpected, but meant to be.  Everything fell into place for both of us to move to the speck of dust town of Yuma, Colorado.  Moving there, neither of us expected to find someone or fall in love. Moving there was supposed to be temporary.

 

I know that I talk about Chris a lot on this blog, but he is my life.  I think about him ALL the time.  I think about him driving to work.  I think about him at work. I think about him driving home from work.  I can't wait to go home just so I can see him.

 

 I love that he makes sure to kiss me before he leaves for work in the morning.  I love that he kisses me when he gets home from work. I love that he texts me in the morning to wake me up and to tell me that he loves me.   I love that he tells me I'm beautiful every day.  I love that he tells me every day he is lucky to have me in life. I love that he teaches me.  I love how PATIENT he is, especially with me. I love how passionate he is. I love how hard he works.  I love how much he endures. I love watching him with Tobin and Namara.

 

I know that I am honestly the luckiest girl in the world to have Chris in my life. He loves me unconditionally. Chris is my gentle giant that has the most tender heart I have ever met.  Some people questioned my decision. I never have.  As hard as some things have gotten, I have never questioned my love for Chris.  Sometimes I wonder if I'm living in a dream.  I wonder if this is actually my life. How is it that I could be so lucky.

 

And then I look at my honey, and none of it matters, because he is mine forever and I have no reason to question that.

Live the life you imagined…

I’ve been thinking about that quote a lot, especially this past week when I had a week off and was home with more than enough time to myself.

The life I imagined, is not the life I’m living:

I never imagined living 45 minutes away from the closest town and Walmart. I never imagined having 42 chickens being raised in my living room for their first few weeks of life. I never imagined living away from the mountains.  I never imagined having over 50 cows less than 20 yards from my front door. I never imagined making a life with someone.  I never imagined I would teach middle school.  I never imagined I would be up at 5:00 every morning to bottle feed baby calves.  I never imagined I would own my own horse, or go riding my own horse to help round up cows. I never imagined I would be a home-owner before I was 30, and with that home be re-doing the WHOLE thing.  I never imagined I would want to start a family.  I never imagined I would own 4 dogs at the SAME time (2 border collies, 2 toy poodle mixes).

All of the above are currently my life.  None of them are what I imagined.  Sometimes all of the above are really hard for me.  Sometimes I lay in bed crying because I am so overwhelmed with our lives and with what is going to be happening, and what is currently happening.  Sometimes I feel like it is too much for me to handle, because it is NOT what I imagined.

Then there are nights like tonight.  My honey brought home Chinese food.  It is the one and ONLY thing I really miss about Yuma.  It has the BEST Chinese I have ever had, and it is a LOT of food, for a very reasonable price.  (Seriously though, the BEST Chinese, my brother took us to a Chinese restaurant in Colorado Springs that he claimed was “the best” and it paled in comparison)

Looking at my beautiful Easter flowers, and eating my yummy Chinese food, I realized I may not be living the life I imagined, but I am living a pretty darn good life.

I have an amazing husband who would do almost anything to make me happy, I have a roof over my head that I OWN and can make my own however I decide to do so.  I have a job in the field I studied in, we are on our way to being self sufficient as we prep our garden and have all our chickens (30 broiler {meat} chickens and 12 hens). 

I may not quite be living the life I imagined, but I love the life I’m living and …

… I really am Living Happily Ever After.

Two Days in Paradise.

The day after Valentine's I had off for a comp day (parent-teacher conferences). We were excited to actually get to spend two full days, uniterrupted, together. Because it has been a year since we have been bowling together (I would say a year and leave it at that, but I think I might have been bowling this summer, like once, maybe?) We ventured our way to Sterling for a fabulous meal of Taco Bell, and then we went to the bowling alley. We were only about 6 frames in, when the lady working at the alley made us leave. I was really upset. She gave us a gift certificate to come back another time, but I don't think she realized what a rarity it was for us to be able to be there and go to begin with! It took a lot from me not to cry. I know it wasn't a big deal, and it really wasn't her fault, but it's something we don't get to do very often, and she was kinda raining on my day date.

After I finished my little pitty party, we ventured over to Bomgaars which got their second shipment of chicks in. We bought 9 last week when the kids were visiting, but the green egg layers (Americanas) didn't come in the first shipment.  When we bought 9 we were only planning on 6. This time we were only going to get 1 Americana, but we both felt really awkward asking for just one chicken, so we ended up with 3 and rationalized it that we were making it an even dozen.

Our 2 Americanas and 1 Sicilian Buttercup.

Wal-mart was last on our list, where we were only going to buy sour cream and milk. But they had all the gardening stuff out, and we just bought all our trees and bushes for the garden from Gurney's but didn't get any seeds so I convinced Chris we needed to get our seeds for our garden too! He made so much fun of me because of how excited I got over a packet of seeds. He knew I loved Easter and Springtime, but I guess he didn't realize how much!

Chris also suprised me with a boquet of tulips! I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE tulips. They're probably my second favourite flower (next to Sunflowers of course!). I was so excited, (and of course okay with it because it wasn't valentines day or roses!) Every time I walk into the kitchen I make a comment about them.

But they are so beautiful! And I adore them.

Saturday we went to the hay auction and then kind of sat around the house and dinked around. We took the "window treatments" off of our kitchen windows. We also hung a few frames and pictures that we've been meaning to get to.

Again dummy-me, I forgot to get a before picture, but the "treatments" were just 6 in pieces of wood attached to the front end of the cabinents, so they weren't even true window treatments.

(After I took this picture, I realized we REALLY need to do something with this light fixture. It is UGLY and DIRTY!)

These are the kitchen signs I hung. Totally got them off of pinterest- free printables. Man I love Pinterest! This only cost us $3 for the frames that I found at the dollar store, and they look really nice and just gives it a little something extra.

The more time Chris and I spend together the better it gets. It's so much easier to get stuff done to the house when we're off together than just one of us trying to get stuff done on our own. We are slowly making progress, and making this house a home, and making it our own.

Lovely Days

So I don't believe in celebrating Valentines Day.never have. People just thought it was because I was always single, but even in a committed relationship, still not a fan. Mostly because I don't like how it's turned out (so much like Christmas, where people ask for certain things) and because I don't believe in having a specific day to celebrate your love. I tell Chris that I would prefer the unexpected gift on any other day, where there is no expectations and everyone and their mother isn't celebrating as well.

Either way, both V-Days Chris and I have been together have passed by rather uneventfully. Last year, I told Chris I would break up with him if he got me anything, but wasn't sure how well he'd listen, so I got him a card and a gift just in case. Lucky for me, my Christopher is a listener, so I was prepared for naught, so I kept the gift for his birthday and gave him the card. It was a super snarky one anyway, so it really did fit the non-lovey-dovey-ness we were going for. Something along the lines of how I know I can be difficult and mean etc. and then you open it up and it says how totally worth it I am.

This year, we were in our fiscal fast for Valentine's (coincidence? I think not.) so I used some sticky notes to make this little number for when he got home from work:

 

 

The Yellow and Blue (because those are "our" colors) say 'I <3 YOU BECAUSE...' and the pink ones shaped in a heart are all the reasons why I love my Christopher.

Yes, I purposely put the one sticky note by itself off to the side.  There is a purpose behind it, and it also kinda worked as an end point! Double plus!

Chirs might get a little upset I shared this one with you, but it makes me laugh, and it is something he says almost daily.  And because this is my blog, for me, I'm putting it here.

We started watching "Next Great Baker" because of my weird fascination with Cake Boss.  On the season finale, Chris told me what is on the right in this picture.  Oh that boy :)

This is the one that is an "end mark".  It says "I can!" It is often a phrase uttered from my mouth when he asks why I love him :D We're so silly sometimes. Just looking at this makes me giddy.

I think little things like this are what Valentine's Day are supposed to be about!  Not about roses (which are "eh" anyway) and Candy and gifts and. and. and.  It's about expressing your love for one another, and Chris and I can do that without spending money.

Islands

Growing up, I watched my parents fight on an almost daily basis, and I swore up and down I was never getting married. I swore it. I knew me and I knew that I could probably never meld my life with another person.

After turning 17 and graduating from high school, I entertained the idea of MAYBE getting married, then once I was at college for a year, I once again swore off the idea. I had plans for myself, and none of them included a man.

After dating Terry on and off and on and off again for a year, I told him I would marry him. That is one of my biggest regrets in life. I knew I never wanted to marry him, and I knew I probably never would. it wasn't fair to him or myself, but I loved the attention, albeit most of the attention was negative, but it was attention nonetheless. The relationship ended badly, though I don't know how else it could have or would have ended.

After Terry, I once again swore off marriage. I was alone and I was happy. I went to New Zealand, graduated university, started my first "real" job, had my first house, lived on my own, all by myself, and I was happy.

When I met Chris, I figured it would never evolve into much more than a platonic friendship. He would be someone my age to do things with outside of my job. But we fell in love, hard and fast.

Considering how small Yuma was, there wasn't much else to do. Chris and I were at each others house daily, making dinner, playing games, or watching movies. It broke up the monotony of my day-to-day and I looked forward to talking to someone other than pubescent tweenagers.

We decided we were going to get married in January and he proposed in April. Because we didn't want to live together before we were married, we got married 4 months later.

It's really hard for me sometimes, because I was so happy being alone, and sometimes being married is so hard, that I question why I ever got married in the first place. Don't get me wrong, I don't regret marrying Christopher, but being married is hard.

Lately I have really reflected as to why it is so hard for me to be with someone else, and I think I have pinpointed it to a few reasons.

First of all, I have never seen a healthy relationship. What does one look like? How do they communicate? How do they work together? My parent's marriage was all about lies and deceit. Each of them were on their own boat paddling in different directions of each other away from the island in the middle of nowhere. It was always my mom expressing how she was a better parent than my dad, and my dad telling us not to tell mom. Mom pretending to care but really only ever caring about herself and how she appeared to others. The more I look at our family/home life the more I realized how unhealthy it really was.

My parents never taught me how to properly resolve conflicts. All I ever saw was yelling and screaming when one or the other of them was upset. I don't know how to calmly and rationally express how I'm feeling, because I was never taught, and I definitely never saw it.

I'm not making excuses, merely I am admitting my own faults. I see my weaknesses, and I know how they came about, what I don't know is how to "fix" it. I don't know how to communicate my feelings other than shutting down or exploding. That's all I know how to do.

I feel bad that Chris has to deal with me in my broken state. He is so patient and kind and forgiving when I get into my little ... moods, and he never wants to give up and leave. I offer to leave him almost daily so he doesn't have to deal with me any more, but he never takes me up on my offer. I know I need to get better, I need to figure out how to better myself, how to rationalize my feelings, and how to express them in a more mature way, but I don't know how.

When I get in these ...moods, it's basically to a point of no return. I have to let it run its course before I can get back to normal. I have been this way for as long as I can remember, and it's never really been a big deal until now. Now I see it affecting the one I love more than anything in this world. I lash out against him and I hurt him more than I help him, and it's really not fair to him, but I don't know what to do so I no longer hurt him.

Compassion

On Thursday, I woke up with pain behind my right eye. I figured it was because I fell asleep watching Psych with my glasses on. So I got up, showered and rushed off late to school, like I do any other day.

Well after driving to school the pain behind my eye got worse and worse and worse, and I started to get sick to my stomach. If I was focused on something at close range, like my computer or a book, it wasn't bad, but every time I moved my head it got worse and worse. I tried to teach my first class, which made everything even worse, because writing on the board then turning to students and talking and looking for hands and keeping students on task, so doing my job basically, made me feel dizzy and lightheaded. So on top of stabbing pain in my head and feeling sick to my stomach, I no longer could even stand up. I gave my students some easy group work to do and sat down at my desk. I have NEVER had pain in my head like that before. I debated what to do. I felt like I could probably make it through until I was done teaching and then drive home, so that's what I resolved to do.

During second hour, as I was at the board, I could no longer stand up and became so light headed I had to sit down. I didn't know what was wrong with me, and every time I looked up things were blurry and tunneling in on me. I texted Chris to see when he was coming into Brush to drop off cattle at the sale yard. He told me he already did, and was headed home. I wanted to cry. When I told him what was happening, he pulled off the road and turned around to come get me. I called down to the office and told them I was leaving at lunch time after my third hour (Chris was mostly home, and it would take about that long to get to the school).

As I climbed into his truck to go home I started crying. I was in so much pain, and I had never, ever left a job early. Not once. When i got home I was pretty much debilitated. Chris cradled me and got me medicine and fed me lunch. I love that man so much.

I realized a few things on Thursday:
1. I love Chris more than words can express, he sacrifices for me daily, and I don't thank him enough for that.

2. I need more compassion. Chris took care of me and let me cry in my pain on Thursday. I didn't have that much patience or compassion for him when he was sick. I was so overwhelmed and frustrated and exhausted that I couldn't even look at him or talk to him without getting angry. That sounds horrible, but I'm being honest, and I was ready to leave because I couldn't take it any more. I felt alone and helpless. That was selfish of me, because guaranteed Christopher probably felt that in such a greater magnitude than I did, but he never said anything.

3. With how badly I was hurting on Thursday, I can't even imagine how Chris has been feeling the past 3-4 months. Mine was an isolated incident, but I can't imagine waking up day in and day out with that feeling. I don't think I could handle it. I also realize just how incapacitating it really is.

I'm happy to say, after taking two of Chris's migraine pills (OTC, don't worry I didn't take any of his heavy meds) I felt a lot better. I have had a dull ache since then, but it isn't bothersome, and I can still accomplish what I need to get done.

It's crazy how much you can learn from such a small moment in time.

Uncle Chris

So every other month or so, we have the kiddos stay with us for a weekend. I usually agree to it because I figure three days with the kiddos will cure the baby-hungry right out of Chris, and it usually does. But as I watch my husband interact with my niece and nephew it makes ME baby-hungry. I know Chris is going to be such a fantastic father, and I love watching him interact with Tobin and Namara.

He lets Namara "help" him feed the cattle and horses, though I'm sure it slows him down immensely. He takes Tobin out and lets him ride the horses. He lets them both climb all over him on the couch, and the laughter that ensues makes my heart happy.

Yesterday, as soon as Chris got home Namara wanted to put her shoes on so she could go feed with uncle Chris. I noticed that it was taking longer to feed than usual, so I walked outside and saw that Chris had the kids on the 4-wheeler feeding the "big" cows. The looks on their faces said it all: they could die of happiness, seriously.

I couldn't get a picture as they were riding, because that would have shown even more than this picture. Chris was looking for the sled so he could take them out in the field.

(even Chris is smiling and laughing in this photo, which means he's okay with it)

He is seriously so good with them and such a good sport about things (because let's be honest, Tobin and Namara aren't always the easiest kids to have around.)  Even after he comes back inside he continues to play with them, which melts my heart.  I'm sure he would love to just relax or take it easy, but I can assure you that does not happen with these two in tow.

(Namara's face says it all!)

Last night after I had put the kids to bed, Namara came down the stairs crying, and she climbed into bed with us and immediately fell asleep. Not long after Tobin came down the stairs having a bad dream, and Chris picked him up and put him in bed with us too. I don't know of very many people who would do that, and it makes me so happy inside to know that he is mine forever.

I love Chris so much, and watching him so easily become "Uncle Chris" makes me excited for the day he becomes "Daddy"

Home

What a week!  Really.

Jason got here Tuesday night to help us out around the house, take care of the animals, tend to a few things while I was at the hospital with Chris. 

Wednesday Chris and I sat in the hospital for almost 5 hours and not a single person walked into his room.  Not a doctor, not a nurse, no one.  I was getting fed up.  I get they didn't really know what was going on, but don't just make us sit there!  So finally I asked to speak with the doctor.  The CNA says, "okay, let me call his nurse"  She calls his nurse and then turns to me and says, "Rebecca's on lunch, when she gets back in 20 minutes she'll go ahead and page the doctor."  I kind of feel bad for what I said next, but I was fed up, if we're just going to be sitting around all day, then we can do that at home.  So I turn to this CNA who, in all honesty, was just doing her job, and say, "What you can't do it? We've been sitting in there for five hours and no one has even come in to check on him. If you want us to just sit around we can do it at home."  I then turned around and went into Chris's room and told him we were leaving.  The CNA got the other RN to call the doctor and he was there within five minutes.  I guess when you tell someone that you're going to just get up and leave it becomes a priority.

The doctor comes in and checks his blood pressure which was still REALLY low.  I told him that if they weren't going to do anything more than they already have, then we were going to go home.  We could sit around just as easily there as we were in the hospital.  He kind of was a bit condescending and basically talked down to me for defying his authority and knowledge as a doctor, because how could I expect him to just "wave his magic wand when it doesn't work that way."  I turned to the doctor and basically said how dare he speak to me that way, and I know it doesn't work that way, but just sitting in a hospital bed doesn't do anything either.  Finally he decided to put Chris on another blood pressure medication, and had him meet with a physical therapist.  The PT basically told us he didn't have anything he could do for us and left.  The doctor came in again after meeting with the PT and told us if we could walk around for 15 minutes without Chris having any of his typical symptoms, then he could go home. 

They were concerned because when Chris was walking he said he felt fine, but it was after he stopped for a minute that he would start to feel dizzy and lightheaded.

I guess they didn't want to prematurely discharge him, and wanted the medication to have time to start working. 

We walked around for a while and Chris seemed to be fine, he still had a slight headache, but they said that may take a while to go away, especially if there has been an issue with blood flow.

He was still a little dizzy after walking around, but there really wasn't an explanation for any of it. 

So basically, the verdict is we are treating his low blood pressure.  Hopefully that's all this is.  I don't know if it's my negativity getting the best of me, or if it's an intuition thing, but I feel like the doctors may have missed something (though I don't know how, considering all the tests and scans they did)

He is currently on two medications that are meant to raise his blood pressure, so we have to monitor it to make sure it doesn't get too high. 

So far it's still fairly low.  It's much higher than when he was in the hospital, but still low for an average adult. 

We joked about when I end up in the hospital (eventually, with having {future} babies and all; no, not an announcement of any kind).  He told me that he wouldn't have to worry about me, because I sure can stand my ground, and he'll have to keep me from strangling the nurses, his words, not mine.  He even said at one point that I can handle my own so well, he may not even need to be there, which of course earned him a dirty look.

My Christopher seems to be feeling better.  He still says his head hurts a little, but he's out and about getting things done and working on all sorts of projects.  He's already gotten more done in the last few days than he has the last two months.  Kind of kidding, but not really.

It's nice to have Christopher back, and I don't just mean from the hospital.  I mean the Christopher I met and married.  He's been in so much pain the last few months that he wasn't himself, but I have to say the last few days have been great to see him back.  He's smiling and laughing and joking and just being the Christopher I remember.

If we're being honest here, I was beginning to hate being married.  Everyone always says how great it is, especially the first year, and my first few months were not fun.  Chris wasn't the same (though we now know why) and he was making me really frustrated.  I was frustrated with the broken promises, the lack of motivation and determination.  I was frustrated that I didn't feel like i could do anything to make him happy.  I was frustrated with the lack of laughter in our home.  I was frustrated with the lack of communication.

Looking back now, all of those frustrations I was having can be explained.  I feel bad that I was so hard on him, but we didn't know anything was really wrong, and I felt like I was drowning in frustration and {almost} misery.  I feel awful for saying that, but if I have one flaw (which we know I have many) it's that I'm honest.  I'm honest with myself and with others, and being honest, I didn't know if our marriage was going to last.  I feel horrible saying that, especially because, like I said in a previous post, I knew I was supposed to marry Chris.  And knowing that I think made it harder.  I didn't understand why our life together got so much more difficult after we were married.

So long story and emotions short, I'm happy to have some answers.  I'm happy to have laughter back.  I'm happy to have my Christopher back.

Optimism

For those few who know me well, you know I’m not the most optimistic person.  In fact I found a hundred reasons why Christopher shouldn’t marry me; good thing he didn’t listen!

Anyway, this post has nothing to do with me whatsoever, I just wanted you to realize that I am in fact {trying} to be optimistic in the midst of trial.

Where to begin?

I guess it would be shortly after Chris and I moved into our house.  He started having headaches.  I figured it wasn’t anything, and he wasn’t complaining about them very often.  But there were days/nights where he would just veg out on the couch.  Of course just moving into a house that needs a lot of work I wasn’t very happy or patient with Christopher about this.  I complained a lot about the amount of work needing to get done and things to be put away.  I didn’t realize how severely his head was hurting.

A couple of times, (probably when I was complaining) Chris would be doing something and be walking toward me completely ashen and he almost collapses as he goes to sit down, and it takes him a minute to catch his breath.  These “episodes” just seemed to be getting worse, so around the 4th one, (especially with his constant complaints about his head hurting) I told him he needed to go to the doctor.  I BEGGED him to go to the doctor, because these bouts were concerning.

Well Chris didn’t go to the doctor, and last Thursday I was getting ready for work, and Chris was in the shower.  I hear “Tiffany! TIF—“ and a soft thud.  I ran into the bathroom, and Chris was curled up in the bathtub.  He took a minute to respond to me, and I looked my husband in a totally new light.  He was completely vulnerable and scared and pain stricken.  As tears filled my eyes, I asked him if he wanted me to stay with him, to call in to work and get a sub.  He reminded me so of such a helpless child as he told me yes.  I agreed on the condition that we went to the doctor, today.  When he agreed, I knew something was wrong.  I got him a towel and watched as he stood up on shaky legs and get out of the tub.

Honestly, I haven't ever felt that scared in my life.  I have never felt so helpless and guilty.  I really thought Chris was just being kind of a baby.  That’s mean, I KNOW!, but it’s like when I have a headache or cramps, it hurts and I don’t want to do anything.  I realized that his “headaches” weren’t like that at all.

As we got ready to leave, Chris said his arms were numb.  I looked at him, and asked what he meant.  He just grabbed his arms and said they were numb, he couldn’t feel them.  This “episode” was so much more intense and worse than any other he had ever had that it made me nervous. 

When we were on the way to the doctor, Chris grabbed the back of his head and said he felt a lot of pressure.  I really tried not to say anything, I tried to be supportive and not place blame, like nag him on why he didn’t go to the doctor before today dangit!  But I could only think of the worse.  I knew we weren’t going to get any answers right away, I knew they were probably going to have to do a catscan or an MRI but I didn’t say anything.  I wanted it to be simple, but considering my family’s history I knew better.

We got to the doctor, and Chris made me go in the room with him.  I really didn’t want to, but I think Chris was actually scared.  I think he finally stopped lying to himself that this was something simple.  He told the doctor “I think it’s probably just allergies or something” and immediately she told him no.  He was hoping it was something simple she could diagnose then.

After doing the preliminary checks she ordered Chris some blood work, an MRI and got him an appointment at a Neurologist.  She told us it was possibly chronic migraines, and gave him a temporary prescription until we got to the neurologist.

I was exhausted and I knew our journey had just begun.  I went to work Friday and left right at the bell ending our day to drive Chris to Denver for his MRI.  I told him they wouldn’t tell him anything, because the technician is not legally allowed to say anything, and not to expect to be told anything.  So what does Chris do as soon as we get in the car to drive home?  “She didn't even tell me anything!”  I think the stress and the fatigue got to me cause I kind of lost it on him, because I told him I don’t know how many times that she wouldn’t!

The weekend was long and exhausting.  I tried to stay positive this weekend, and it was hard.  Especially because Monday felt like an eternity away, and Chris kept saying he “felt worse” and had a few more small “spells.”

Well Monday rolls around, and we head to Greeley to see the neurologist.  We anticipate a 30 minute appointment telling us Chris has chronic migraines and to send us off on our merry way.  Long story short, that is not what happened, and my dear Christopher was admitted into the hospital.  Chris went so willingly too.  I didn’t agree to have him admitted, because the neurologist wanted to do it to monitor his heart and prior to even looking at his MRI or the MRI radiology report.  I told the neurologist that until we looked to see what the MRI results showed, I didn’t want him admitted and looking at something completely different.

The MRI showed a spot on his right frontal lobe, but it was “inconclusive.”  At that point the doctor was really concerned and Chris was admitted.  They ran test after test, did an MRV of his head, ultrasound of his heart, x-ray of his chest, blood work, more blood work, and NOTHING!  They could not find anything wrong with him, at all.

Well, last night while Chris was sleeping, his heart rate dropped to 35-45 beats per minute.  Which is concerning.  At this point they thought it might be blood pressure, so they ordered a “tilt-table” test, which basically consists of restricting Chris of all liquids and foods for at least 12 hours and then lifting him up to see what his blood pressure does during this time.  After making him wait for 16+ hours they finally do the test and monitor him until he passed out. 

After doing that test, which by the way was AWFUL to watch, they declared that a receptor in Chris’s brain wasn’t working effectively causing him to have low blood pressure, so blood wasn’t getting to his brain the way it needed to.  Finally, I thought.  And it was something fairly easy to regulate and take care of.   Increase salt intake, drink gatorade during the day, medication.  We could handle that.

So a couple hours after his test, Chris is finally allowed to get off bed rest and takes a shower.  While he was in the shower, his heart beat kept spiking.  They thought it might be the way he was moving around, and ignored it.  (The nurse had me go in and check on him to make sure he wasn’t dizzy or passing out or whatever).  He gets dressed and the nurse tells him that before the discharge doctor comes up, they wanted him to take a walk around the floor one or two times.  So, hand-in-hand we walk.  It was a slow-paced easy walk, nothing strenuous or fast paced.  We get back and the nurses explain again that his heart beat kept spiking and for a 25 year old healthy male it was too high for his activity level.  Chris kind of shrugs and says he feels fine, which he looked fine. 

The discharge doctor comes and while we are talking to him Chris gets one of his dizzy spells and almost passes out, again.

So long story short, now they have no idea what is wrong with him and is still in the hospital.  He almost started crying when they told him he had to stay another night.

I feel bad.  I wish I could do something to make it all better, but I can’t.  I don’t have a magic wand that I can wave to heal him.  All I have is prayers and faith.  Prayers that the doctors find out what is wrong soon, and faith that God has a plan and His hand in all this.