Spring Break

So I just realized that I haven’t updated my blog in quite some time, and well, now that I have ample amounts of time, I figured I should probably go ahead and remember my poor neglected blog.

So, we’ll start with Spring Break.  Christopher and I went to Moab, Utah for spring break the first week of April.  I’ve driven through Moab so many times, and have only ever stopped once, and I really wanted to go hiking and see what the hype was all about.

First we stopped at Hole ‘N the Rock, where I met Mater.  That was pretty much the only exciting thing about that stop.  They forbid picture taking, which is a little weird to me, and it’s cool, but not cool enough to stop again.

After making camp, we went over to Arches

We decided to knock out some of the smaller hikes, and then at the last minute ,we decided to hike Delicate Arch at sunset. 

It was so nice to be in such a beautiful place with such wonderful company.

Day 2 tomorrow?

Hard

I have had a hard time going to church lately.

I’m no saint when it comes to being perfect and eagerly waiting for Sunday to roll around so I can go to church, but I have never dreaded it this much.

Come Sunday, I find it hard to get motivated to get out of bed and get ready for church.

Yesterday I waited until the last possible minute to get in the shower, making it almost impossible to make it to church on time.

I know part of it has a little something to do with my previous post, but there’s got to be more than just that.

I know I go to church for me.  I go to better myself, to educate myself and to become a better disciple of Christ.  However, I have had such a difficult time since being here in the Yuma Branch.

I think most of it is there is absolutely no one there for me.  The few women who are close to my age have young children.  The three other women in Relief Society (that’s right only four of us typically in Relief Society) are all so much older than me.  One has great-grandchildren my age (I’m pretty sure) and the other two have children close to my age.  Also, when I try talking with them, it’s like they’re only being polite enough until they can find an opening in the conversation to make a mad dash away from me.

The only person who is friendly and greets me so every week is the first counselor.  I adore him, and he has been such a great help to me, but he is my mom’s age, divorced (twice) and doesn’t have much to say to me.

I have had such a difficult time wanting to go to church.  I wish I didn’t feel this way, but I would rather stay home and clean house than go to church.  I even have been going to Kale’s more frequently so I have an excuse to NOT be at church on Sunday (because if you recall, I work with my Branch President, so my whereabouts are ALWAYS asked about). 

I really wish it wasn’t this hard.  Chris even asks me about church, and encourages me to go, which makes it even worse.  I know I need to keep going to be a good example to him, but I just don’t want to.

I don’t enjoy going, and I often feel almost like I wasted three hours just being there.

I have seriously NEVER felt like it was such a feat, emotionally, physically, mentally, just to get myself ready in the morning to make it to church.

It has become so hard.

Bugged

I had a conversation with my colleague/ Branch President recently that got under my skin.  It has been difficult working side by side with my branch president, because I don’t respect him on the professional level, so trying to set that aside on Sunday is sometimes very difficult.  Often, throughout the week, when I am trying to have conversations about curriculum or lesson plans, he won’t answer and he won’t stay focused unless he’s under pressure from Admin to get something done.  Like I said, frustrating. 

Anywho, beside the point.

We were going over a benchmark test (something that I’m still trying to wrap my head around) and Chris and I were texting intermittently because my colleague takes FOREVER to decide on an answer.  My colleague said it was really rude for me to be texting when I should be focused on the test.  I wanted to tell him off a little bit right there (for so many reasons), but I didn’t.  Then, he asked me if Chris and I were getting married.  Well, for starters, that’s none of his business.  I told him I didn’t know, maybe.  That was my answer: maybe.  Then my colleague answers: “Tiffany, marry someone who can take you to the temple.  That’s what I think.  Chris can never do that.”

I really wanted to tell him off then.  But I didn’t.

This is why it annoys me: My colleague has only met Chris once.  He has NEVER sat down and talked to Chris.  Chris is a great guy.  He has high standards and treats me the way I deserve.  He loves me unconditionally and would do anything for me.  The thing about Chris is that he is better than the majority of LDS boys I have been around for the past five years or so.  I wanted to turn to my colleague and tell him all these things, and tell him the only reason Chris couldn’t take me to the temple tomorrow is because he is not baptized.  THAT and that alone is the only reason Chris wouldn’t be able to take me to the temple tomorrow.

My colleague has NEVER even tried to get to know Chris.  Has he talked to Chris about the gospel?  NO.  The reason I was so offended at his comment, was because of the narrow-mindedness of his comment.  He immediately wrote Chris off the minute he found out that Chris wasn’t Mormon.  I hate that.  I HATE that.  It really frustrates me that someone could be so narrow minded when, as disciples of Christ, we are supposed to set examples of love and friendship.  We are supposed to help those who are ready to hear the gospel, not cast them aside, because they weren’t raised in the gospel.  I know I’m not the best example, and at times I’m probably a bit of a hypocrite in saying all this, but it really rubbed me the wrong way, especially coming from a Branch President. 

I know who I am and I know what I’m doing.  That alone should be enough.

Disappointment

I try to avoid disappointment at all costs.  As I grew up, I was constantly disappointed.  I was disappointed in myself, in my life, in my family members, in monetary objects.  I grew accustomed to disappointment as if it were an appendage that grew on my neck and I left it there.

It was after I went through my teenage years and got into college that I realized I really HATED being disappointed.  I was tired of the tears and heartache.  I would long for something and it would never happen.  I would look enviously at my friends and want what they had, be what they were, only to be disappointed.

So I decided to cut off the appendage that I let grow on my neck and I made a grand plan: never be excited for anything.  Never look forward to anything.  If I never got excited for something, then I was never disappointed if it didn’t happen.  I lived this life for quite some time.  I still kind of do.

But today, I saw this photo:

and probably because of the mood I’m in, I realized I cannot live my life in fear of disappointment.  Yes, disappointment sucks.  It does indeed.  But I can’t avoid it.  It will inevitably get me, and it will be when I least expect it to strike.

I remember when I was in New Zealand.  Amy had arranged with her Auntie for me to go up in her Auntie’s hot air balloon.  I was thrilled at the opportunity, but then I looked at the weather report.  It was to rain on the day of our departure.  So I acted like it was no big deal if I went or not.  I told myself I actually really didn’t want to go in the Balloon.  The night before departure it was pouring rain.  Like cats, dogs, horses, zebras, elephants, you get the idea.  I had accepted that I wasn’t going to go, and I was okay with that, because I anticipated the worst.  Well, as most of you know, the weather cleared and I was able to go, and it was one of the best days of my life.

In my recent life, I haven’t wanted to be disappointed.  I don’t want to open myself up to anyone or let anyone else into my life, romantically or otherwise, because of the possible disappointment I could face.  I realized, especially after examining the above photo, that this notion is stupid.  I can’t punish people I don’t know for what others have done to me in the past.  True, I have been hurt, and true and I have been disappointed because of what people I have trusted have done, but that doesn’t mean that I can hold that against people who I just met, or who I am yet to meet.  It’s unfair to hold these people to the expectations set so low by others.

As I sat and stared at the above photo, I realized that life holds disappointment, that’s part of life.  But I can’t let that keep me from enjoying life; embracing life.  I feel that in the past two years, I have made leaps and bounds of success of becoming a better person, and bettering my life and have made a commitment to not be the person I once was, that I let myself become.  But I realized today that I still hold on to a little piece of that person, and I need to let her go: 

She’s holding me back.

Did I tell you . . . ?

Wow. It has been a while since I have posted anything, and not to say that nothing has happened, in fact, just the opposite, which is probably why I haven’t gotten around to writing anything on this poor neglected blog.

So without further ado…

Did I tell you my principal resigned? Yea, she did, back in mid-September, kind of old news, but it has made for BIG stress since with all the adjustments and different ideologies/perspectives from our now appointed, never before administrator, principal. However, I finally feel like the dust is settling, and the kinks are starting to get ironed out. Not to say that it has gotten a whole lot easier, I just feel like things are getting to be more… predictable, we’ll say.

Did I tell you I spent Halloween with Tobin and Namara? Yea, I did. They were so much fun to take trick or treating, and we went to “Boo at the Zoo” and they were pretty much the cutest kids there. Don’t believe me? Look for yourself.

Did I tell you I’m dating someone? Yea, I am. I’m pretty smitten. His name is Chris and he’s from central California, and he’s working out here at a feed lot. He went to California Polytechnic State University majoring in animal science, he’s 6’2”, has blonde hair, blue eyes, and is quite the gentleman. He’s been really fantastic, and I think I’m going to keep him around for a while.

Did I tell you I went home for Thanksgiving? Yea, I did. I got a sub Monday and Tuesday and went home for a whole week. It was pretty nice to be out of the classroom for that long, and now I’m kind of looking forward to two weeks for Christmas, but I have to tell you, I don’t know how I’m going to go back after two weeks off. That is going to be tough!

Did I tell you my mom and I aren’t speaking currently? Yea, we’re not. Actually, to be honest I’m not talking to Kale either. I’m actually kind of sad. I miss my kiddos. That’s most of it. I just felt betrayed and abused, and for right now, I think it’s best not to talk to either one of them. Of course it makes the whole “are you going home for Christmas?” questions a little difficult to answer, because if I answer honestly, everyone wants to know why, and that’s kind of my business, no one else's. I think it was just the final straw to a long hard week, and the final straw to a long occurring issue that I have with my family.

Did I tell you I love teaching? Yea, I do. I really do. There are days when I just want to run away screaming, but I come back and I love it. I love my students. I love seeing my students comprehend what I’m trying to teach them. I love that my students trust me, even when sometimes the aftermath is a little scary for several parties, I love they trust me enough to confide in me. I love they trust me enough to ask for advice. Side Note: One of our assignments was a Letter of Gratitude, and one of my students wrote a letter to me, thanking me for all I do for her and her class, and telling me how she is appreciate of me for creating a safe space in my classroom. I read it on a really crummy day, which made me so happy, and made me want to keep going and NOT give up on these kids.

Did I tell you I’m engaged!?!? No, I’m not. I just wanted to see if you were paying attention.

I think that brings you up to speed. Maybe I will be a little better in the near future with my writing, because who knows what’s going to happen next!

Patriot’s Pen

We had an assignment asked of our students to write an essay answering the question “Are You Proud of Your Country?” sponsored by the VFW.

It broke my heart how many of my students asked me “Do we have to write about America?”

Yes dammit! You DO have to write about America! You live here, don’t you? Why are you living in this country, using up our aide and putting us further in debt if you aren’t proud of it? I just want to yell at these kids to move out of the country if that’s the case. I know that sounds really harsh and mean, but come on! Really? It just breaks my heart how much these kids take for granted.

I know there are faults with this country, I know that, I’m not going to be naïve about that topic, but having to read essays that explain how our military is a joke, the people in it our brainwashed and how there are so many things wrong with what we are doing here in the United States gets my blood boiling.

My brother is in the military. He is not deployed to a foreign country for no reason. He is not separated from his family, his children, because he is brainwashed and worthless. I’m sorry, but he is helping to keep his family, and YOUR family safe. Just because these kids are not on the front lines, experiencing the horrors that so many of the men and women who are serving our country see and living every day, they fail to see the value and sacrifice being made.

I know most of what was written was a reflection of what these kids hear from their parents, because what 8th grader would write about the jobs bill/act and actually know what it meant, but it still made me sick to read so many UnAmerican essays, that I wanted to just throw them all in the trash.

Someone to Listen

I had a rough day.  I can’t really explain it.

So I went to talk to one of the veteran teachers about my day and I just started crying.

Being in Yuma has been difficult for so many, many reasons.  I just wanted to be done.  This has been hard and no one I talk to understands.

TS told me how no one can understand this area, that Yuma is probably one of the hardest areas to teach for so many reasons, and she’s taught for more years than I’ve been alive and has had the same struggles and frustrations I have as a newbie.  That other teachers and other colleagues she has known don’t understand, because it is just so different and so difficult.

I told this wonderful mentor how I can’t even talk to my mom any more, because all she does is offer suggestions and judge, and she looked at me and said, because you just need someone to listen and someone to talk to.  I realized that is completely true.  100%.  I don’t have anyone to talk to, at all, except my students, and I can’t talk to them.  Not really, not about my personal life, not about my “feelings.”  I just need to have someone that I can talk to that will listen, because mostly I just need to get it out.

It’s times like these that I miss Terry the most.  I know I could call him up, and he would listen, but I can’t.  I just can’t call him and rely on him like I used to.  He’s not that guy any more.  But man alive, sometimes I just want to, because I know he somehow would make it all better, and I HATE that!  I hate it so much, it makes me even more upset than I already am, because I realize I don’t have anyone to talk to about THAT either!  It’s quite the vicious cycle, it really is.

Anyway… Just the woes and frustrations of a first year teacher.  I found out that Sterling has a (small, very, very, very small) group of Young Single Adults, and they get together on Mondays for FHE and Thursdays for Institute.  I decided to start going to FHE on Monday nights for a few weeks and see how it goes.  I think it might be good to get out and hang out with other people close to my own age, and then I will have someone to talk to